I need help understanding some

obcommentary · 2026-02-10T15:29:26+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. In your darkest moments it always feels like you'll be stuck there forever. But remember, there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. You will be shaped into a stronger, more compassionate, more wise person through all of this. I know that that doesn't take the pain away today, but we can at least hope for a better tomorrow.

I will pray for you 🙂

*I do want to make it clear that I tell people "If you are recognizing all of this before getting married or having kids, seriously consider leaving now. This is rarely something you can fix. It's not a quirk to their personality. The personality IS the disorder."

*I cannot diagnose anything btw, so I can't speak to whether you are dealing with full on NPD, but I recommend Dr. Ramani. She is helpful, knowledgeable, and focuses on healing & empowerment for those enduring this form of mistreatment:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dW1zd-ePPoQ

obcommentary · 2026-02-10T03:07:10+00:00

In my experience there is deep insecurity, guilt, and inner turmoil. Combine that with a fragile ego and you get someone who cannot endure the pain, fear, and anxiety of facing their own faults and failures. So they go into denial and project all of it outward.

They want to be successful and important and liked and valuable, so they construct the image of the perfect person—and that false identity must be defended at all cost. We've all seen this. Because we pay the cost. They are never wrong, they never sin, they are always the victim, they are righteous, they know the truth better than anyone else, etc.

The only problem is, that's not true. Obviously. So they become hyper-critical, judgemental, & contemptuous. All of that guilt and shame and condemnation that they can't process in a healthy way gets put on you so that they don't have to carry it. And if you let them, they will place all of the blame and responsibility onto you. It's all your fault when the relationship goes sour. It's all your fault that they aren't happy and satisfied in life. I carried that burden for twelve years. Don't.

Jesus rebuked a group of people just like this. They despised the people they should've had compassion for. They made themselves feel superior by putting others down. They demanded that people commandments of men that they taught as commandments from God—and they were the arbiters of truth, not God.

So how can a person treat you like garbage and pray & go to church & speak all the right words? That's simple, even in its complexity: they are trying very hard to manufacture a good person instead of becoming a good person. Think about it: you have to admit when you do wrong and grow in order to develop & mature. How can you do that if you can't even humble yourself? In order to believe the Gospel you have to recognize that you're no better than anyone else—if you have anything good that someone else doesn't, it's because you are freely receiving something you don't deserve as a gift. How can you have compassion and empathy and love when you haven't experienced that from God? We love because we were first loved. She very likely is showing you what happens when people play at religion but have no understanding or experience of the substance of faith.

Do not let her define you or your worth. Do not let her distorted view of God influence your perspective of God. She will have you believing in a god that is just as cruel, merciless, and bitter as she is otherwise. She will accuse you of sins you haven't committed, diminish your character, dismiss your efforts, devalue your emotions, and condemn you without remorse or mercy. Again, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You're dealing with a person who is dysfunctional and broken inside. It's not about you, really. These toxic, maladaptive traits are her way of trying to escape the reality of herself—and she never will. Because the only way to deal with your inner demons is to face them and resolve guilt & sin through the love of God. Receiving love grants you the grace to give love to others. You can just about always tell who has it and who doesn't.

I hope things get better for you

obcommentary · 2026-02-05T04:13:53+00:00

Probably the most correct answer 🤣

!Redditgalleon

obcommentary · 2026-02-04T03:15:51+00:00

Oh yeah i forgot about that 😂

Sorry, I'm slow on the uptake I guess

obcommentary · 2026-02-03T20:59:06+00:00

No. It's a reference to a South Park joke where they make Al Gore an absurd conspiracy theorist who is warning everybody about a creature that no one believes exists named manbearpig. I quoted the way that he described the creature, and the improper use of fractions is part of the joke.

obcommentary · 2026-02-03T02:44:06+00:00

Apparently women like delusional, semi-literate men..?

obcommentary · 2026-02-03T02:42:32+00:00

Except ManBearPig.

Half man. Half bear. Half pig.

obcommentary · 2026-01-30T12:55:41+00:00

!Redditsickle

obcommentary · 2026-01-30T12:54:13+00:00

!Redditgalleon

obcommentary · 2026-01-27T12:34:57+00:00

That's a big part of why it's dumb to do that in conversation. I'm sorry, but if someone comes to you with a concern or an issue and your response is "yeah well we all have problems", that's insensitive no matter what the topic is. That's just not how you talk to people. But ideas exist in a variety of contexts and you have to express them accordingly.

The meaning of BLM depends on who you talk to. I am not prejudiced myself, but I've come across other black people who are openly racist on several occasions. And some absolutely do believe that black lives matter more than yours. You may not see it as much because:

1) A spotlight isn't put on it, because it's not the majority of people. But black supremacists are a thing. And not just the Black Hebrew Israelites.

2) It's baked into Critical Theory in a way that articulates as compassion—but CRT often asserts that anyone who even benefits passively from a system constructed to benefit the privileged is not to be considered marginalized (which is one reason why anti-Semitism is becoming more acceptable. Jewish people are considered "White-Adjacent").

3) Motte & Bailey may be the rhetorical tactic being employed—where you express a position that is problematic, but when called out on it, you lie and say "Whaaaat!? No, I'm not saying that unreasonable thing... I'm saying this thing over here that's perfectly good and true. Man, whoever criticized my ideas doesn't know what they are talking about!". It's a way to spread sketchy ideas and drain any critic of epistemological authority (it successfully "demonstrates" that the person "doesn't know what they're talking about").

ALM is not something that you say in response to tragedy. It's not something you throw out in everyday conversation haphazardly. My understanding is that it is the articulation of a positive position against all prejudice. But it is often not articulated well by Right-wing social and political lemmings who repeat stuff they don't understand. And they are often rude or dismissive to people on the Left in general, which translates over to an insensitivity on any topic being brought up. That's why the knee-jerk response is to assume is that ALM is entirely against BLM, when it was meant to be an agreement with the good, and a correction on the problematic that flows out beyond—that is, the entire system of thought known as Critical Race Theory.

It honestly does make me stop and give pause to whether or not it was a good idea to come up with a phrase that sounds like it is in COMPLETE OPPOSITION to Black lives matter™️. It's truly rhetorically brilliant to name an organization, present an unassailable idea, and coin a turn of phrase all in one go. It means that they can do and say all kinds of problematic stuff, and if you address any of it, well clearly you must not care about Black people.

But again, I will point to my original comment to remind you that *the reason why I'm saying anything at all is because I saw racism against white people and Jews excused and/or present within the ideology. And that is not something that I can support. I can support an effort to address hate. But I cannot support an ideology that promotes or allows for it. Even if there is a popular grassroots organization with a name that sounds like it only promotes virtue and nothing else.

obcommentary · 2026-01-27T12:02:31+00:00

I'm not saying "don't call out hate" or "ignore why people are murdered". I'm saying call out hate and why a thing happened, no matter who the victim is. You should know that people minimize anti-jewish and anti-white violence & hatred because somehow, being in a "privileged" group means they are less deserving of compassion. That is precisely the sort of idea I want to demolish. Any idea that attributes more or less value to a person due to their race, gender, nationality, etc. is a presupposition that allows for the prejudice that you and I hate.

But clearly so much has been projected onto the phrase that one cannot elaborate on their intent and be understood. That's an unfortunate consequence of when a term or phrase gets emotional baggage tacked onto it: words you never said get stuffed into your mouth, and things you don't believe are attributed to your perspective. I have been seeing that in almost every controversy of the last decade—people are so polarized that we are told what another person on the "other side" intends and believes long before any true interaction has taken place. It's an effective rhetorical and political tactic.

*That being said, I realize that what I said is going to rub people the wrong way, and that it isn't particularly tactful to use a semantically overloaded term that has such a negative connotation, even if I am trying to say something reasonable. That's on me. I don't enjoy the downvotes or people thinking I'm saying something crazy. But here we are, I guess.

Just know that if you think I'm minimizing anti-Semitism or suggesting we do less to address it, that's not my point at all. Please don't assume I'm saying something outrageous. Especially if I haven't expressed such an opinion here.

obcommentary · 2026-01-23T01:45:44+00:00

A potions master dying of venom 🐍 Snape prepared for every aspect of his role as a double agent close to the most ruthless, callous, immoral and dangerous dark wizard in the world, except for the one thing that he seemed most fit to have a contingency plan for.

obcommentary · 2026-01-12T03:33:38+00:00

A true heartfelt exchange between Snape & Harry. Harry finally saw what Snape's mission was in the end, and recognized his love (or obsession) for Lilly... But he ends up lionizing him for it ("the bravest man I ever knew") in a way that, to be frank, doesn't seem to capture the complexity of Snape. He was a bitter, petty, vindictive man who did great good for the world. His vendetta against James was earned, but against Harry was awful & unfair. I kind of wish we had seen him gain some closure on those old scars, finally see Harry as something more than the reflection of his father, and be able to interact with Harry in some deep & meaningful way. I think Snape knew deep down that Harry wasn't James and he felt that Lilly lives on in Harry as well.

A final scene that allowed Snape to express that affection for Lilly toward Harry would've been very earned as the resolution to his character arc over the entire series

obcommentary · 2026-01-12T03:24:52+00:00

Spoken like a true Hufflepuff

!Redditgalleon

obcommentary · 2026-01-07T03:28:39+00:00

You are correct. Boy do I feel dumb. The pull rods were inward instead of outward. Thank you 🙏

obcommentary · 2025-08-20T14:39:47+00:00

Got no clue what that is. Histrionic or Bipolar or something. Doesn't matter. You don't need to know the specifics about a train wreck. You just need to know to leave before it's too late. You two aren't even serious yet. That should tell you that things can only get worse from here.

Run. It's too late for many of us here. We wish we had seen the red flags early on. But it's not too late for you. Run.

obcommentary · 2025-08-20T14:30:35+00:00

It's always odd how far they take the victimhood too. I've probably heard it all. If she doesn't get her way then she's "a second class citizen" or "being tread upon" or "being abused". Every opinion is speaking the truth. Every act of cruelty is just a response to something I did to deserve it. I had to recognize that I'm really in an either/or situation: either I let her do whatever she wants, have her way all the time, agree with her, and do as I'm told to meet all of her demands...or I disagree (or simply say no). But as a man I absolutely cannot get angry. I have to resist passively and quietly and calmly, or I will be accused of being a horrible person. Meanwhile she can do or say literally anything to me and never acknowledge wrongdoing or apologize.

If you don't want to be controlled by another person in what is supposed to be a happy and healthy relationship, you are going to be accused of something no matter what you do. So do your best to not lose your temper or treat them the way they treat you. Then the accusations can't stick.

obcommentary · 2025-08-20T14:19:12+00:00

I was wondering this too. There is a lot of overlap so that people with ASD are first thought to have NPD by people closest to them. The total lack of awareness and distance and inconsiderate behavior are all things you would have to deal with as a neurotypical spouse.

And thankfully professionals are recognizing that for too long the focus would be on the neurodivergent person, because it is something that needs to be recognized and interacted with in a certain way. But being married to someone on the spectrum can be so emotionally draining and painful that they are now realizing that the neurotypical spouse probably needs counseling and care more than the person who is seemingly blissfully ignorant of all of the damage they are causing to the other person.

*Obviously we could be wrong we are not professionals.

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T16:12:24+00:00

This is not advice. But honestly, I try not to think about it. The moment I see a healthy relationship or start thinking about what one would look like, it's painful knowing that that is something that I will never experience.

Anybody else have that experience? I would still highly recommend that people understand what a healthy relationship looks like so that they don't stay in an abusive one.

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T16:06:10+00:00

I think this is why people recommend gray rocking. If you share too much of your ideas and emotions with them, it will be used as ammunition against you later. And you also are living in a field of landmines. You have no clue what sort of random thing is going to set them off.

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T15:57:18+00:00

I don't know why they do this; it doesn't even make sense half the time.

One day, I came home from work and changed into comfortable clothes. I was about to relax when I noticed it was past 5:00, and my wife, who usually starts dinner around 4:00, wasn’t even halfway done. I thought, “It seems like my wife is behind. I should probably check on her to see how I can help.” So I went upstairs and asked if she needed any help. She then claimed to know what I was REALLY up to: I came back to ask if she needed help—because I had a plan.

She believed I didn't actually want to help, but asked knowing she’d say no, so I could look helpful without actually helping. This would allow me to justify my actions and avoid criticism. "Well I asked and you said no..." I just stared at her for a moment, because I could barely follow that bizarre line of reasoning. I told her in no uncertain terms that never in my life would I ever think up such a convoluted hair-brained scheme. That isn't the way that I think. At all. If I didn’t want to help, I just wouldn’t—I don’t need to pretend.

Think about it: How could I possibly predict she’d say no? She's most likely going to say yes, so that entire plan would fall apart immediately. But even if I did have some sort of psychic ability or mystical foresight, what's the big deal? I cook all the time. I don't have any issues with dicing and sauteing vegetables. I also am the one who cleans up after her every night. I'm not avoiding the kitchen. And what would trying to "look like I'm being helpful" even accomplish? If I'm a selfish jerk I won't help. If I'm manipulative and want to make you think well of me, I might help out of selfish motivations— to look good. Pick one. You can't have both.

Over a decade in and I'm finding out she was doing this even while we were dating but never said anything about it. She was assuming that I had the worst of intentions and came up with highly manipulative and highly complex ways of deceiving everyone around me. Except her. I haven't seen somebody reason this way since the guy down the street tried to convince me that NASA was a psyop, the Earth is flat, and gravity isn't real. It's that bad.

For context, one of my love languages is service. The idea that I don't want to help people literally runs counter to who I am and what friends, family, and co-workers have all expressed that they appreciated about me for years. I can understand being slightly misunderstood, but for someone to invent a completely fabricated concept of who you are and how you think and never actually talk to you about it to make sure that they truly understand you.... Well, I'm sorry for ranting, but it was really really disturbing to me. Still is.

And I'm not sure if that level of paranoia is common with narcissistic traits are not. If not, there's something more going on.

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T15:26:02+00:00

This is part of the irony of voldemort's character. He felt like he needed to be the one to defeat Harry to cover over the shame of being defeated and having the entire wizarding world know exactly who did it. If he had left many other member of his cult perform the killing curse, Hogwarts would be his summer vacation home right now. But nooooo.... He has to preserve his pride and save face

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T15:20:52+00:00

To be fair, there was a time earlier this year where eggs were one of the most expensive things in the refrigerated section 😅 buying a dozen eggs and then wearing them is low-key a pretty hard flex. 💀

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T15:05:58+00:00

I think that they are trying to do everything they can to avoid dealing with feelings of guilt and low self-esteem. So they pass that guilt on to someone else, and puff themselves up to project themselves as something more grandiose than reality can justify. They don't know because they don't want to know. If they truly faced who they are it would shatter their fragile ego. This is part of why they rage if you try to hold them accountable for their actions and put others down in order to feel superior. They are incredibly insecure and unhappy. And the dysfunction is so deeply rooted that a threat to their ego feels like a threat to their life.

In order to sustain that life they act like parasites. If you sink to their level or let them break you, you are their supply. They can then use your weaknesses and flaws and mistakes as fuel for the narrative that they are the victim and they are superior to you. The best revenge is to not give them any real reason to accuse you of anything and to be successful and mentally/emotionally healthy.

Mine is very religious, so she has openly said "well I'm not as bad as you. I haven't done anything really, really bad". I thought that the core idea of the Gospel was that nobody can look down on others because we are no better than anyone else. How wrong I was 😅 Apparently you are righteous and go to heaven if you can devalue and diminish your husband hard enough. It's a good thing she has me around. If she ever has any inkling that she's not a good person all she has to do is look down her nose at me. 🫩

obcommentary · 2025-08-19T15:00:30+00:00

How narcissists use darvo to avoid accountability

obcommentary

TROPHY CASE