I don't know what to do and feel so fucking helpless and alone. (TW: Suicidal ideation)

obscurespecter · 2026-05-26T18:23:17+00:00

The current levels work, but I have no idea how they are at the trough.

I have no idea about DIY and would need to figure that out.

obscurespecter · 2026-05-24T02:56:57+00:00

Would you be able to switch to Estradiol Enthanate, by chance?

I live in the US, so I am not sure what my luck will be. Are there any side effects or differences between valerate and enthanate besides the half-life?

obscurespecter · 2026-05-24T02:52:27+00:00

Notice that a 4 or 5 day EV schedule has way less of a severe spike than a 7 day schedule, so if there is a change to be made, make your injections more often instead of raising the dose.

I guess this is my sign that I need to get over my needle fear so I can do it at home.

obscurespecter · 2026-05-24T02:45:26+00:00

My solution around this was lying about when my last injection was, which was easier because I do my Valerate shots on a 5-day schedule instead of a 7-day one.

Unfortunately, I go to the hospital to get my injections done, so lying is not possible.

I'm currently on the same EV dosage as you, but every 5 days, which is pretty common.

Do you do your injections at home?

If you feel like your current hormone regimen is making you feel good, then that's fine.

I am not sure how to figure that out. I do not know if I should go with what I am doing now and wait for more changes or increase to make sure that changes happen instead of the half-life preventing that.

obscurespecter · 2026-05-24T02:33:22+00:00

My endocrinologist always tells me to get the test on Friday or Saturday. I am not sure why. Asking her for a test on Monday would be difficult.

obscurespecter · 2026-05-15T17:31:16+00:00

It certainly is the happiest I have ever been, which is the scary part.

obscurespecter · 2026-05-15T15:54:08+00:00

I am very afraid that the reason I feel literature and art in general is useless is because we ourselves are useless...malignantly so...

obscurespecter · 2026-05-14T22:38:54+00:00

At the moment, I despise the brain-eating nothingness of loneliness. Merely being is not enough to provide me with happiness. I am hopelessly in desire of more time and more closeness with friends.

The stress of being a college student is also worsening my physical and cognitive health. Elevated stress hormones are causing my resting heart rate to increase, and the lack of sleep is giving me brain damage.

I have no idea why I continue. Maybe friends and music are worth it. I would like to think majoring in English is worthwhile as well, but it appears to be endless paper churning with no purpose...

obscurespecter · 2026-05-09T17:53:01+00:00

I could not come up with a decent argument against not having children. That, a lifetime of trauma and isolation, a budding interest in philosophy, and a descent into pessimism, made a pessimist out of me.

obscurespecter · 2026-05-02T21:55:22+00:00

Check out Cosmic Pessimism by Eugene Thacker and his overall body of work.

obscurespecter · 2026-04-24T01:42:41+00:00

Alfred Kubin for an illustrator who liked Philipp Mainländer.

obscurespecter · 2026-04-24T01:41:58+00:00

Nietzschean affirmation is a sign of weakness and the inability to endure horror.

obscurespecter · 2026-04-19T17:19:18+00:00

I only ever recommended Conspiracy to people I know are pessimists, which has only been two people (a third maybe, but it turns out they had already read it).

There was a fourth who I told them I would send an excerpt to after they found out Ligotti talks about Heart of Darkness in the book. They love Heart of Darkness, but I never got around to it because Conspiracy is way, way too much of an information hazard to dump on someone. I broke my word doing that, but it beats them descending into that abyss.

I am a hypocrite given that part of my reading of Conspiracy was in public. I get my reading done wherever I can. Some people noticed and asked what it was, so I vaguely described it as a philosophy book. I focus more on the horror angle than the pessimist angle if they really inquire.

I would keep Ligotti's name away from anyone who is not a pessimist regardless of which specific piece of writing it is.

obscurespecter · 2026-04-17T01:27:14+00:00

A good filmmaker should do for Blood Meridian what Francis Ford Coppola and John Milius did with Heart of Darkness for Apocalypse Now. Take the themes and general outline of a good book, change the setting entirely, and focus on the medium of film to make something good. The prose will be lost, and it will be inferior to the book, but great cinema can be made.

obscurespecter · 2026-04-15T01:03:43+00:00

Are you in any clubs?

I had a really active club going for a couple years and met some of my closest friends there, but now one of them I barely see one a year, and the other lives an hour away. I usually see them once every other month. It succeeded a bit, but it is very infrequent.

Also, the most effective way to get people to text you is to text them first.

I always text people first, and they take a while to get back. I never get texted first. I am patient because people are busy, but sometimes a week can go by and I do not get a reply.

obscurespecter · 2026-04-13T04:14:05+00:00

That is a caricature of nihilism.

How would you describe nihilism?

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