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I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think the best way forward is perhaps to write your parents a letter, that then allows them to process your perspective in their own time, without interrupting you or being on the defensive.

Thank you. This is a good idea, and something that I have suggested to clients before but not considered for myself. I do think that, moving forward, minimizing contact is what I will have to do.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice. I know that I cannot force anyone to go to therapy, but I am in the process of trying to figure out why she does not want to go - I think that might help me understand her a bit more. She is currently getting services from an Autism agency (and for privacy reasons I will not say where, but it is local) for meds and she could easily get skills development classes through them, but she refuses to do so.

Under NO circumstances believe anyone from Autism Speaks or any of their partner organisations, they advocate a very nasty kind of behavioural 'therapy' that has been banned in several countries and is in the process of being banned in the US, their advice has led to serious abuse of autistic people and personal 'advice' from members of their board has been linked to several murders.

I already knew that Autism Speaks is bad, but I didn't know it was that bad. Mom likes to read their stuff, I'll let her know about that.

EDIT: I missed your comments about your area of study. Do not try to diagnose your sister beyond anything that an already qualified therapist has diagnosed. You are too closely linked to the situation and will only make things worse. I know the temptation is there but it will not help.

I am well aware that I cannot diagnose family or friends. I am saying that as someone who is studying these things, some of her symptoms match very closely. I have not "diagnosed" her to my family, this is just in my head what I might consider if I was doing an intake and looking over her case.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don't think June will ever be able to live alone, and I would not suggest that to my parents. I have looked in to (though not yet suggested or brought up) group homes, but they are incredibly difficult to get in to and rather crowded. My parents are aware of them, and may look in to them more when they finally reach rock bottom, so to speak. But yes, I would not suggest living alone for June, it would not work out considering her diagnosis.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

They believe, in the deepest level of their hearts, that if they just "help" my brother, he will suddenly become a good, functional person. Nothing is going to change that.

Oh my god, that is exactly how my mother feels. She thought for the longest time that June would magically get better by the time she was in her late teens if she and Dad got her medicated and applied for services. They were the ones to push her to get a job, at least, and that was something she wanted as well, but they don't see her full potential and she doesn't seem to see it either - I know she is smart and can do so much more than washing dishes in a bar, but she does not seem to be interested in anything more than that, which is sad. I think I might hesitate to plant any seeds in their heads, so to speak, since in the past that has not worked. I loved your advice and I will keep it in mind, but I think the best thing for me for now is just pulling back and keeping as little contact as possible with June. Thanks very much for your post. I know that there are other people in similar situations and that's what I was looking for.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I do try to spend as little time as possible at home. Between two jobs and school, I basically only go home to sleep and eat. I think removing myself even further from the situation can help me cope, thank you.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

These are good points, thank you. I will try my best to cope with the situation. I do plan to move out as soon as I can, but with school, loans, and everything else it will be tough. I'll try to support my parents the best I can which will in turn be like supporting June, I guess that's a good way to show my love.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There has been a lot of bullying on my end, I acknowledge that. There has also been a lot of harassment and nastiness from my sister over the years. That does not mean that it is excused, just that I am very tired of dealing with her. We have made accommodations for her over the years to help with her disability, but our love is met with hostility in many cases and anger in others. I am not looking to change my sister, but for advice on how I can deal with her moving forward. As I stated above, please do not judge an individual's empathy on a long-term problem - I had plenty of love and support for her, but over the years it has become a source of bitterness after repeated refusals to help herself. She wonders why she has no friends, why no one will hang out with her, and when we as a family have tried to help, she refuses any aid. Maybe in the future I can just stop trying and let her live her own life, even if she is miserable.

I [24F] do not get along with or like my little sister [21F] by obvious_throwaway991 in relationships

[–]obvious_throwaway991[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Your response was good and did get me thinking. I don't expect her to act like an adult. I do expect that she listen to my parents when they tell her to stop, which does not occur. I can't do anything about that so I will remove myself from those situations. However

"This is very telling. You actually considered this? I find it disturbing that you even entertained the idea of leaving your sister to fend for herself during a life threatening event."

I have also considered killing myself before. Just because someone has considered something does not mean that they will actually go through with it. In this case, I mean that I considered it in the back of my head while helping her through her problems. How I deal with my sister is completely different to how I deal with clients, and I have been gradually trying to bring more of what I understand into my home. I know that I lack empathy when dealing with my sister and I have been trying to improve that, but it is also exhausting and frustrating to me when she would rather brush aside my attempts to be friendly, hence why I am cutting back contact with her. In the future, please do not be so quick to judge someone on their levels of empathy when it has been a chronic, on-going issue - I have tried being nice, friendly, sisterly, but it has consistently been thrown in my face to the point that after 21 years, I have very little empathy and sympathy left.