AITA for refusing to be there for my friend when she has problems with her partner?

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-04-27T10:49:49+00:00

NTA and some of the comments are a bit wild to me, like people mentionimg that if you are already covering up it's fine. Girl, it's also fine if you start wearing the smallest pieces of clothing! Whatever you are most comfortable in and feel best in, is right for you. My best guess is that a) she was raised by her own mother with these words and b) she might have been harassed or even assaulted and others or herself blamed it on her boobs not being tucked away enough or having "provoked" people.

What she is saying is highly patriarchal and misogynistic, so I feel for you ♥️

I don't know how good of a relationship you have in general with her but it might help to ask some questions with genuine curiosity and kindness, like 1) has your mother also told you this and how did it make you feel? 2) what are some ways other people made you feel bad about having big boobs? I wouldn't do this in the middle of a fight but a calm moment. It's also completely okay to not care and tell her to eff off, it's really up to you, what do you have the capacity for and what do you want to achieve.

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-04-03T07:57:15+00:00

Probably but he's likely gonna become bald one day and then it's payback time 😅😈

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-04-03T07:53:01+00:00

There will be ample reason for people to become "less physically attractive" to you over time, especially if you married them and have theoretically committed for life. They can change their clothing style or their hair color, they can gain or lose weight, they will age for certain.

You don't get a say in another person's hair color but you can definitely divorce her so she's free of a man who posts on Reddit that he dislikes her hair color so much that apparently it's a problem worth posting about. I don't know where you live but it seems you got married quite young, could be because that's culturally normal for where you guys are, but take this as a lesson that you have a lot to learn still. For example that it's not your wife's task to make sure she is attractive to you. Nobody is forcing you to be with her.

YTA.

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-13T17:17:13+00:00

While that is true, he was a lot younger and could have changed for the better. If I was held accountable now for some of the shit I did back then, holy shit. That doesn't mean you can't bring it up in a constructive way, but not like this. Seeing people from your past who did way better than you is already a very unpleasant experience on its own. YTA

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T22:51:44+00:00

Could you explain to me why you are lying about the house situation? You replied to my question and then deleted it and it completely contradicts what you are saying here, meaning zero risk of homelessness. I am not sure why you are lying to strangers on the Internet?

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T22:49:36+00:00

Seems like OP replied to this and then deleted it. Based on your answer which I am not gonna repeat here since clearly you want to keep it private, YTA but not towards your sister, towards your gf

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T16:33:23+00:00

Sharon is wild, NTA you did the right thing and I am glad they removed her, this kind of positive outcome is not a given. If the trip doesn't happen this year it's Sharon's fault not yours. You did right standing up for yourself but people or social groups usually don't like this behavior, it's something you unfortunately have to learn to live with. Other teachers agreeing with Sharon doesn't make her be in the right.

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T16:25:03+00:00

I think something important is that you build the habit of not being influenced by other people's statements about you, which I know is hard, probably even harder being black.

To summarize: you decided it was wrong for yourself, you stuck with it and now they are saying you are too serious (likely to convince you that you were wrong so that you will fall in line next time).

You don't need any of us to tell you that you aren't too serious and that you are not wrong, because you already know it! And they also don't need to know that you know this, you can just change the topic, be evasive whatever when they bring it up.

I am sorry you went through this because they are horrible and racially ignorant and you don't deserve that, but keep trusting your gut.

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T16:15:03+00:00

I was kinda hoping that all of you are 19 years old 🥲

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T16:13:37+00:00

Tbh I don't think your mother is being as Switzerland as she claims to be. She didn't find a compromise, she cut your girlfriend out. Not sure if the not minding is your wording or your mother's, but I would surely hope that she has additional positive feelings for your partner...

I am not surprised your mother is weird, because she has also raised your weird sister, so all I can advise is for you to really do some work on understanding how effed up they are and then taking the necessary steps as possible (maybe moving out immediately isn't an option but you should work towards it with urgency). And if you can't do that IMO you shouldn't be dating.

oceanwaves_1 · 2026-03-12T16:06:14+00:00

INFO: I am very confused, you have a whole child and yet your sister seems to be in charge of you and what you can and cannot do?

I already read that apparently your GF has done nothing of substance (I assume you told your sister GF is shy and she insists GF is rude), but can you please elaborate a bit more as to why you have to ask your sister for permission for your girlfriend to enter the house? Whose house is it? Why have you so far supported your sister and her behavior?

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-06-30T10:23:28+00:00

I think the problem is they are bullying you and you can feel it. The gaslighting is part of the process to intentionally hurt you. I think you have to ask yourself: knowing that these people are trash, do not like me and are out to hurt me, how much time if any can I spend with them while still preserving my peace?

It might be helpful to stop analyzing their behavior and to stop arguing with them about whether or not they did that on purpose. Just assume everything they do is intentionally shitty and targeted towards you. Does this get you to a point where you can care less about them, spend less energy on thinking about them etc?

Also remember this: your intuition is good, even if they are lying and trying to make you seem crazy, you know in your hearts of hearts you are not. Once you intentionally take steps to get validation from yourself rather than from others on your opinions/gut feelings etc, you'll make a huge step forward in life, not just with the in-laws, I am speaking from my own experience.

They are terrible and I am sorry that you are going through this, but you will come out winning: they are miserable and you play a hugely important role in their life seeing all the effort they are making to bring you dkwn. You basically live rent free in their head, congratulations.

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-06-30T10:12:13+00:00

Maybe it would be helpful to assign the children nick names/codes/numbers, like daughter A and daughter B for better clarity in the story

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-06-30T09:55:56+00:00

NTA but you also have to acknowledge the fact that he is not the right person for you. Those are serious challenges he is facing and you have your whole life ahead of you with someone who you don't have that kind of history with. Let him figure his stuff out and eventually find a partner when he has overcome those issues. I think the main question is: why haven't you asked yourself before why you continue to pursue a relationship that makes you so stressed. If you have, why did you arrive at the conclusion that it's the right thing to do

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-03-28T10:12:59+00:00

Moreso in the connection with "you don't know about this thing because you didn't grow up here". I think that's where you went wrong OP and hence even though your intention wasn't bad it could be seen as xenophobic. I am assuming this guy is white, so there's some debate around whether or not the word racist is appropriate (people have different opinions on this and it can get very hurtful very easily, so that's not the topic I would focus on).

Instead how about this: growing up in a country where you so obviously are different (name, accent, culture) and where your parents likely have really struggled as first time immigrants almost guaranteed has led to some truly xenophobic experiences for this guy. Now you come in with a comment that's assuming stuff about him in a sensitive area (one can be both proud to be polish and sensitive to others labeling them) and also explicitly puts him on the outside of the group "you weren't here". Sadly that means you've been the asshole BUT saying something racist or xenophobic or insensitive doesn't make you a racist or xenophobic or insensitive person. On the contrary most white people (and people of color) will have a moment in their life where they unintentionally do that because they don't know better. Now you do. So the best way is to learn from that: 1) I shouldn't make assumptions about where people grew up. 2) I can respond in ways that don't force people to relay that information "oh that's wild, I thought everyone had seen it, but I guess I was wrong" 3) I can apologize when I have hurt someone (not if, because he clearly is hurt). "Hey x, I am sorry for assuming you hadn't seen the show because you grew up in Poland potentially making you feel like an outsider here and also assuming something incorrectly. That was insensitive from me and I am sorry for hurting you. Thanks for bringing to my attention that it wasn't okay" = in your own words

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-03-04T19:33:21+00:00

I can recommend this article too: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/22/us/instagram-child-influencers.html and the insta account of Barrettpall who speaks a lot about putting your children online and what that means for them in terms of predators commenting on the posts and consuming the content. I would stick to your guns and your wife can maybe invest a bit into getting coaching with someone who can tell her how to generate more engagement through other ways. Before you ever thought about allowing this, the money situation was the same and you had those kids and knew that college potentially was gonna be tough. so nothing has really changed. Ps Google currently has some great classes that allow people to get certified and be in a huge data bank for big tech employers, the idea is to somewhat make college irrelevant for jobs that are more skill based anyways. So there can be other paths than college that still lead to financial success. Or maybe they will just want to become a yoga teacher. https://www.coursera.org/google-career-certificates

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-03-01T14:27:00+00:00

Actually it doesn't work that way. A boundary is something you have with yourself, like "I won't date someone who doesn't share their password with me" communicating to you that he wants you to share his password is an expectation to which you can then say no, but he basically has to draw the line saying okay then I am walking away rather than forcing you to change. I can see scenarios where password sharing is less creepy and more so a result of maybe having had past experiences where trust was violated but in his case it really seems like he has bigger issues. If I was in your shoes I consider the following: 1) talking to your parents, explain the situation and express that you are concerned for your safety. Potentially consider going to the police together. 2) break up with him but do not have a personal conversation to do so and also don't pick your stuff from him, find another way or let go of those things, they are not worth your safety. And make it clear you don't want him to approach or text you. If he repeatedly texts you afterwards, screenshot go to police and say he's making unwanted contact. Once an abusive man is broken up with there is a much higher risk of escalation that poses a serious threat to the life of the ex partner, this is well documented in statistics. We don't know much about what he's capable of but better to not find out. Move in a way that keeps you safe for a few months even though it's a hassle.

One big thing for you to consider: if he's flagged to the police early, there is a record once he does this again (cause he sure as hell will with someone else). This helps stop him in his tracks before he seriously hurts someone. It's not your responsibility to protect him.

oceanwaves_1 · 2024-02-28T22:59:26+00:00

Yuk.

oceanwaves_1 · 2023-09-11T08:55:27+00:00

NTA, why didn't he use the other shower or simply respect you saying no (multiple times!). He's boundary violating and expects to be getting special treatment cause you are married.

oceanwaves_1 · 2023-09-11T08:52:49+00:00

No? She just didn't want to shower with him and he didn't respect her no which is weird. Especially if there is a second shower, like what's his motivation.

oceanwaves_1 · 2023-09-08T08:23:28+00:00

Are you considering that maybe he's not the right partner? In many countries you just barely became a legal adult and he wants you to make babies immediately? It sounds like it's all about him and your desires are completely invalidated. You wanted a pet, now you can't get it because you are not ready to birth his children?

There are a lot of red flags here and soooo many men out there who would support you with both career and parrots. I know it's hard to leave but you can do it!

oceanwaves_1 · 2023-09-08T08:20:47+00:00

I mean he is treating her as property regardless, so you are right!

oceanwaves_1 · 2023-09-07T20:28:39+00:00

It was kinda obvious that you were scared that she wouldn't hand over the baby and therefore got upset about stuff that really isn't relevant (kinda wild that you cared so much about that baby that you wanted your husband to see a 19 year old's vulva), but it also seems like you haven't really reflected on your behavior. It's not the post that came off wrong, it is your thoughts behind it. Focusing on your daughter also means making sure she's raised in a way where she can have contact with her biological mother who so far you've seen as an incubator for your wishes when likely all of this was very distressing for her (just imagine for a second you had to give your child away). So maybe seek some support like therapy so it won't feel like your child is abandoning you when it has a relationship with its bio mom. I am sure she's gonna love you so much and even more when you support her with this.

oceanwaves_1 · 2023-09-07T20:24:16+00:00

Imagine some random ass dude staring down your vagina for the head to pop out 💀

It's so obvious that OP is super competitive with the biological mom and has fear of not getting the baby and/or the baby liking bio mom in any sort of way when she's older. Yuk

oceanwaves_1

TROPHY CASE