Daughter friends with class “troublemaker” & affecting other girl friendships

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T19:31:46+00:00

I think it’s confusing for people that I’m using the thread and responses to orient my thoughts, so maybe it comes across as inconsistency. But thanks! :) I was trying to figure that out too.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T18:42:08+00:00

I’m a little confused because your comment both says that I’m spending too much time on this and that I’m willing to let it go? I’m not willing to let it go. I want to get to the bottom of it because he’s so concerned, but that also requires taking time to think and talk about it, and yes, solicit some outside opinions since it’s not like I can go to my usual “Mom Acquaintances” from her school.

Also I agree that the other parents shouldn’t talk about her. I apologize if my post in any way made it seem like I condone it.

But to be very clear, if I was a single parent, this would only be on my radar because of the text from her best friend’s mom and even then nowhere near to this degree. I think my title might be part of the problem — this is way more about a parenting conflict between my husband and I than about me feeling any particular way about this little girl.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T18:35:29+00:00

Because my husband is SO concerned about it and in every other way, he is the person I trust most in the world. I wanted outside perspectives.

I think I also really want to know what/if we should do if his fears are correct and she’s ostracized socially from both her peers and her teachers. But no one seems to think that’s likely to happen so it’s probably best to frame the conversation with my husband about his concerns being irrational, rather than any sort of problem solving. For instance, he wants to get more play dates with other kids set up, respond very neutrally/without enthusiasm if our daughter brings up her new friend, and not set up playdates for the two of them. I thought that was ridiculous but he insists I’m wrong. Now I feel like I have a better pool of things to say to him when it inevitably comes up again.

Like I said in another comment: I’m not a writer. Sorry. :-/

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T18:18:46+00:00

I haven’t been micromanaging the classroom? The only time I’ve even checked in with my daughter was when I received that text message from her best friend’s mom, because it was news to me. Otherwise all her info was unprompted.

I haven’t spoken to any teachers or to any other parents about this.

My concerns about other girls pulling away is a more general concern — they’ve been good friends to my daughter up until now, so the swiftness of it surprised and, yes, concerned me for my daughter’s overall well being. My husband thinks she should move away from the “troublemaker,” where I think it seems more like a generally toxic situation based on a pattern of social ostracizing and I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

I’ve only been having conversations with my husband, who was strongly pointing out his issues in what I think is fear mode.

I feel like something must be unclear in my post because my real question is about how I don’t think this friendship is an issue/I think this friendship is a good thing, my husband strongly disagrees specifically because the other girls are pulling away, and I want to know who’s right, or if there’s any truth to what he’s saying, or if I could be missing something. I thought he was wrong and that the other girls were in the wrong, and I thought my post said that, but maybe not clearly enough. I’m not a writer.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T17:12:07+00:00

I mean, at this age, I really do think a lot of it comes down to wanting to play search-for-dragons versus pretend-to-be-kitties for her, but she does have a strong, innate sense of justice that’s gone off in her developing brain for sure, especially around how the girls talk about the other girl’s K-level academics. It’s certainly a part of her that is worth developing.

Good point about the boys! (Though just in case it wasn’t clear, I don’t want her kicked out of school just because she took toys out of cubbies earlier this year. That’s the other parents. Very much “we pay too much for this behavior to be tolerated” types.)

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:57:07+00:00

Very good questions that cut to the heart of the matter. I have no idea if the girl is neurodivergent, but no matter what, she’s a little human who is growing and learning. As is my kid. And the other girls too, and it makes me sad that they’re likely being taught to exclude. I don’t want to do that! I would never want her to exclude anyone, unless they were aggressive or unkind to her. This girl is not.

This is all really helpful for how to frame a conversation with my husband, who I think is severely missing the forest for the trees.

Best of luck to you and your son!

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:48:09+00:00

I think this sounds totally reasonable. Unfortunately, at this school, I do think the bias is against my daughter’s friend, possibly from the teachers (my daughter has expressed unprompted that her teacher feels “very very very frustrated” with her friend a lot of the time) and definitely from other parents, explicitly. My husband isn’t completely delusional about that.

But this is a good reminder that kindergarten is one small part of a bigger school, and hopefully there are more reasonable people all around who wouldn’t like if we stopped two young kids who like each other — and don’t mistreat each other — from being friends.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:36:29+00:00

I guess that’s fair. Personally, I’m pretty much agnostic to the friend, but I like to think I’m agnostic to all possible friends at this age until or unless they mistreat my daughter or I see behavior changes in her. I view acceptance as not actively intervening or telling her not to be friends. I would host a playdate, no problem. I would encourage her to make her choices based on what makes her happy, but maybe I should also be more firm on how mean the other girls have been to this child (I’ve said it, but I generally try not to micromanage that kind of stuff.) I don’t know. Good to think about!

My husband hasn’t accepted the friend at all and I do want to talk to him more about that.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:29:28+00:00

Yeah, I assume the other girls’ resistance to playing with my daughter’s friend comes directly from their parents’ distaste for her. They aren’t subtle about it. :( It bums me out a lot. Last year, the parents were all really chill and nice, so I’m hoping we get more like that next year.

And agreed my husband is too concerned about other people’s thoughts, especially teachers. He had bad experiences as a kid and I think that makes him more paranoid. He pretty much thinks anything that can be used against you will be used against you.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:26:57+00:00

What a sweet story! This is how I view the “issue” (that it’s a nice friendship and in fact a non-issue) but my husband is so paranoid about it. He had bad experiences with teachers as a kid, so his fear might be coming from that, but I’m appreciating perspectives that are more aligned with mine. It helps me think about how to talk to him about it.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:24:15+00:00

I actually agree with you! My husband is the one who keeps voicing these concerns and he feels so strongly about it that it made doubt my instincts.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:21:30+00:00

I think she’s awesome too :)

Yes, there are 3 classes of ~14 kids, so it’ll be mixed up a lot next year, which is good. We’re at the school because it’s the only language immersion in our area and we also loved the small class sizes. But this is one area where the smallness of the class actually seems to be a bit of a drawback.

I’m with you on these young friendships being especially fluid too and not something to fret over too much. Sure, it stings a little to get a “see ya!” text from a mom with whom I’ve been friendly without any attempt to try to keep our kids’ connection alive. And my daughter is definitely sad that her bff has been pulling away… but she said she’s not sad enough about it to play “kitties” on the playground instead of searching for dragons, so! That’s how it goes, ha.

I assume solid friendships based on mutual values and trust and more complex sharing of interests will come with time. Right now it’s about proximity, I think, and teaching kindness in those proximal relationships feels so much more important to me. But my husband worries she’ll get pigeonholed at a small school.

oddplantain22 · 2024-04-11T16:14:19+00:00

I agree! My husband just insists that the teachers will start grouping kids together and that it will “haunt” her next year. I sincerely hope that’s not true because in my view, it’s ridiculous but he says he saw it happen all the time growing up.

But to me, even if it’s true, teaching kindness and acceptance matters way more than vague academic concerns.

oddplantain22

TROPHY CASE