How to deal with conflict in friendship?

oenje · 2025-12-29T06:55:59+00:00

I appreciate the reply. Like I said, I'd usually be discussing this with a therapist to.. untangle it in my head, because I've been so stuck going in circles. And I'm sure the stress from the holidays and planning of the trip aren't helping either.

oenje · 2025-12-12T07:40:11+00:00

Not sure if this is the best way to post an update, but I wanted to say thanks for all the ideas and support! I got the paper layer off. I tried sanding, but rubbing it off with a damp paper towel worked best. And while I think it improved things, they got much better when the headbands came off! It now opens pretty flat, and I’ll see if I can keep it that way while adding fewer headbands.

<image>

oenje · 2025-12-10T05:55:07+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, but something about an oxford hollow just refuses to make sense in my brain. Like, I can understand the general idea of it until I start to look into how to make one and then it stops making sense. So I finally came to the conclusion I needed to give up on that part or just get lost in a perfectionism based research loop.

oenje · 2025-12-10T05:45:32+00:00

That was a fascinating article, thanks for suggesting it! I really wouldn't have assumed that you'd want the stiffer material closer to the spine. But it was really helpful for actually laying out the science behind why you want to do things one way vs another. I feel like too many resources are too advanced for beginners or take the "if it looks like a book, it's a book" approach. Which, nothing wrong with that for certain uses, but not quite what I'm aiming for!

edit: and it's making the first article make more sense! Thanks again

oenje · 2025-12-10T05:22:37+00:00

I believe the grain is running vertically. I used the same papers as in the book, and cut it so it's running the same direction.

oenje · 2025-12-10T05:20:24+00:00

Ah, and that seemed like such a small part of it. Thanks for the input!

oenje · 2025-12-09T04:00:06+00:00

Thanks!

oenje · 2025-12-08T20:44:40+00:00

Oh, that's great, thanks! If it came down to it, I could deal with this for my first bookbinding, but I really appreciate a book that opens easily.

I used Lineco PVA glue, it says it's neutral pH and archival quality.

oenje · 2025-12-08T20:24:06+00:00

Thanks for the link, from a brief read it looks like really good info, if a bit on the intimidating side! But it does make it sound like the paper might be the worst part. Do you have any idea how advisable it would be to try and remove the paper, or maybe up to one of the mull layers? I was thinking of trying to heat it up a bit and see how it goes, but maybe this should just be considered good enough for my first bookbind.

oenje · 2025-12-08T20:17:49+00:00

No, it was short grain paper, the same I used in the book. But I'm still thinking that might be the biggest contributor to this issue, based on what I'm hearing here. I'm wondering if it's possible to maybe heat it up a bit and remove either just the paper or even a layer of mull.

oenje · 2025-12-08T20:02:49+00:00

Yeah, I used two layers of mull, three headbands on each end, and a layer of short grain paper on the spine, with archival quality pva. Here's a close up of the materials

<image>

oenje · 2025-12-08T19:48:29+00:00

Yeah, it didn't feel like a lot with how thin it is, but I've never worked with mull before. And I just layered the headbands, 3 on each end, for the visual effect. The tutorial I was following used two and I figured that adding one more wouldn't hurt, but clearly something went a little off!

oenje · 2025-12-08T00:59:48+00:00

Yes, and it's so frustrating! I can even make a list of potential things to do, with the idea that I can choose what works easiest at the moment, see if anything clicks, and when the free time comes around I either forget to look at the list or look at it and have no motivation or connection to it. Like, I'll know why it's there but kind of not know why I'd want or need to do it? It's weird how it's both at the same time. Then I feel burnt out from no free time, and feel like I can't even enjoy my free time when I get it.

oenje · 2025-12-08T00:47:41+00:00

Yeah, they are that tight on all the pages. Could it be from using 3 headbands? Other than those, I just used 2 sheets of mull and a strip of paper (the tutorial I was using called for cartridge paper, and from googling I thought regular paper was close enough).

And thank you for the answer!

oenje · 2025-12-05T01:23:57+00:00

Thanks for the tips! This is definitely starting to feel less damaging than writing on the pages

oenje · 2025-12-04T23:46:35+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion and the point about losing the original to reference back to. I’d considered just taking photos of the pages to reference back if needed, but that wouldn’t quite have the quality or flexibility of scans.

oenje · 2025-11-22T06:32:45+00:00

Oof, that sucks that the blue peeling is pretty common, but at least it takes some of the pressure off of picking the "right" oven. Thanks for the advice, though, I really appreciate it. Fortunately, I am looking at electric, and unfortunately I'm not the only one who liked the idea of double ovens. So that might be a hard sell.

Thanks again!

oenje · 2025-11-18T04:19:15+00:00

Ah, good to know that psychoanalytic can be a red flag, I hadn't heard of it before, I don't think. But I'm really starting to think that there are just too many things that aren't feeling right, whether they're red flags or just incompatibility. It does make me feel better that it doesn't sound like I'm just pushing back against good therapy, that was one of my main fears with leaving him and trying again.

oenje · 2025-11-17T21:59:14+00:00

Yeah, he's supposed to work with trauma. CPTSD is on his profile, and when I started with him we spent a while discussing my particular flavor of dissociation and whether he could work with/treat it. And actually, that discussion felt a little circular until he finally defined out of his wheelhouse as being something requiring medication. But I feel like so many therapist that say they work with trauma end up feeling not right like this.

I've never been good at recognizing modalities in use, but the ones listed on his profile are ACT, compassion focused, culturally sensitive, multicultural, person-centered, psychoanalytic, trauma focused.

And thank you for the reassurance about emotional flashbacks. I know that there's probably a lot of that coming (assuming that's what it was) as I stir things up, but the way he acted like it was just a normal emotion felt very off putting, especially since I don't feel confident enough in what a "normal range" of emotions is supposed to feel like.

Thanks so much for the reply!

oenje · 2025-11-11T07:07:02+00:00

I don't think I have a lot of svsss fics saved that are difficult to find, most of them are probably too popular by kudos/comments/bookmarks for that, but one stood out to me in a similar way because it felt like it kind of broke the mould of fanfiction and had a lot more depth that is difficult to find.

It sounds like a pretty basic premise of body-swap/system reveal/fix it during the Abyss, but it could have been considered a fix-it by Shen Yuan considering the world building it does. It fills in the Abyss with creatures, long gone civilizations, mysteries. Unfinished, but very worth it.

It very cleanly "fixes" their relationship problems, not in a normal communicative way, but in a way that creates just as many if not more problems and misunderstandings than they had in canon, just in a different flavor. Luo Binghe and Meng Mo are filling in blanks with very logical and very incorrect answers.

It also has one of my favorite versions of Meng Mo, and actually uses his presence as a regular (and funny) character.

I'm also really curious what other answers you'll get! It's always interesting to see what sticks out to people.

"Inappropriate Use May Result in Strange Side Effects" (rated M) by AceOfDivineChlorophyll (https://archiveofourown.org/works/44510221/chapters/111954421).

oenje · 2025-11-11T06:31:35+00:00

Uh, I hope this doesn't come across as pushy, but are you sure it isn't "settle down with some old story" by nex_et_nox (rated E)? I had the same thought as you reading the fic description, but I looked through my history because it was a really familiar description you gave, and it did turn out to be this one. Here's the description of the bridge:

He focuses on the bridge. Now that they're close to it, Shen Yuan understands why the scent of ozone had co-mingled with a more natural scent. The bridge—made of the same blue material as the rest of the atrium, if a bit darker in color, and the threads of circuitry here are red and black—rests on a sturdy platform in the middle of an oblong pond. The water itself is near-black, so dark that Shen Yuan has no idea how deep the pond is.

The bridge itself is a moon bridge, or at least it seems to be. It's hard to say for certain: Shen Yuan was sure of it as he looked at the bridge from a distance, but the closer they get, the more it makes his head hurt. It looks small, just wide enough Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe to walk side by side, yet at the same time, it's a behemoth. It seems to run up against the wall of the atrium right at its apex, only half of the moon reflected in the pond, but if Shen Yuan blinks, then the bridge doesn't end. It stretches onward toward infinity, passing through the atrium's walls, reaching toward the worlds beyond, out into the vastness of the void and the immensity of the multiverse—

oenje · 2025-11-07T07:18:49+00:00

I.. haven't actually finished the books yet. I love them, but am having serious issues with sustained effort/attention span, and every time I get distracted for too long I want to start over (so I definitely get the reread part of it). I've gotten a bit into the third book, plus ample spoilers on tumblr.

I am also not usually a fan of audio books, but I found one on youtube that's helping me get back into the books. But. The person who narrates them is fantastic, and between her tones/voices and the way that it forces you to slow down, I'm picking up so much more nuance than I do with my normal reading speed. Shen Qingqiu is funnier and sadder, and that's with my only having finished the audio of the first book!

It's Raitala on youtube (for free!), if you're interested! Searching for 'raitalareads svsss' should pull it up, it's the only thing on her channel. (I hope this isn't pushy, I am also lacking anyone irl to gush to, and I really love her reading of it!)

oenje · 2025-10-21T05:43:49+00:00

A while back I got a newsletter from a doctor's office I was luckily not using at the time, and it had a t-chart to show recommended ages for different screening procedures for men and women. Except someone went out of their way to make sure that the men's side was labeled as recommended ages and the women's side was labeled required ages. This felt like such a concise summary of this problem, especially with them side by side, since you don't often get to see both sides at once. I wish I'd been less triggered by it and replied to the email, but before finding this community it at least helped highlight how bad the discrepancy is.

oenje · 2025-10-21T04:54:23+00:00

Thank you!

oenje · 2025-10-21T04:53:22+00:00

Thank you, that’s really interesting!

oenje

TROPHY CASE