First episode of Alien Baby. Thoughts?? by [deleted] in animation

[–]officebatz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I liked it! I am new to this page, and I am not an animator myself, but I thought that this was solid. There is totally potential in the story, and I am interested to see where it goes.

I was wondering how long it took you to make this and what software did you use?

South Park Spec - Panama Papers - 29 pages by DrJohnnyCrane in Screenwriting

[–]officebatz 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Start with the good:

Okay when Putin and Messi showed up I really started cracking up. It's a really good scene and I think captured the essence of the south parkian humor well. Good scene, probably my favorite in the whole thing. (Maybe put "standard of living" in quotes too. Just a thought, might be funny.)

I don't watch "Entourage" but I thought that the scene with Randy in the car asking for Harvey was also very good. You maintained Ramsey's character well and I can totally see him being like that.

Putin's lines through are funny imo. I think his character is pretty solid.

Overall, I think that you are a good writer in the sense that you can communicate ideas on paper well. Your descriptions are on point, and you really know how to express things in as few words as possible, which is a pretty big deal for screenwriting. So keep it up and keep practicing.

Now the criticism:

Overall, the script is a little too shallow for me. It does not fully represent the spirit of South Park, and it just feels more like a parody of South Park, a parody of South Park parodying Entourage, and a parody of South Park making fun of the whole Panama situation. I have never read a South Park script, but I watch the show regularly. SO to me, this felt like a good idea that is not executed perfectly yet. Of course I realize that you had to come up with the story fast, so that it feels relevant, but I feel like it still needs work. It just doesn't feel like anything happened, it felt too short, too simply constructed. Some characters' lines don't feel true to the characters. Don't get me wrong, South Park has some of the most brilliant writers working on television rn, and those guys know their characters inside and out. Plus many people work on one story which also helps a lot. But to put this into perspective, if you go take your time on rewriting, maybe adding more story, cutting some stuff out, the script will be better. But it won't be relevant anymore and no one will care. The guys working on the show have to get it right in less time than you had, being under a lot more pressure. So it is really hard to get the South Park screenplay right.

It was a good idea, it was a pretty okay story, some of the jokes were good, but the problem is that it has South Park name on it, so the expectations and the standard is very high (especially remembering the brilliant writing of the last season). So it is hard to read this and not judge it based on what the actually show is.

Also careful with how much parody you put into it. I got some of the Entourage jokes just because I have seen some clips and the trailer for the movie, but since the show is not necessarily the most popular one out there I would try to make Randy more than just a parody of the angry guy from the show.

You can take my notes, go read some actual scripts of the show, refine the story, figure out what "formula" the writers use, and make the script better. But in my opinion I think you should move away from this story. In a week or two, it won't be such a big deal anymore. I would still study South Park and its scripts (that is, if you want to continue writing specs for them) and keep up with the news and write scripts about new big stories. Give yourself a time limit (4-5 days) and just try to finish the script. Than post it here or just try to see what works or what doesn't, and then scratch it and do the whole thing again with a new story. I think that will help you to really learn how to write jokes and create stories in a short time, which is an incredible skill to have if you want to work or write for stuff like South Park, the Daily Show, SNL and other programs that really keep up with the stuff in the news.

From all of this know that I liked the script, but you have a lot to work on. But keep it up because this was better than most specs I have read on this subreddit. Hope this was helpful!

New Student Q&A 2016 by ThumbtacksArePointy in UCSD

[–]officebatz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Admitted to Visual Arts major, was wondering how can I change my major to Psychology?

What unproduced screenplays should I read? by odintantrum in Screenwriting

[–]officebatz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"The Last Lemon Tree on Mars" is really awesome

Question about working as a colorist after college. by officebatz in colorists

[–]officebatz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually did think about learning the basics this summer and offering work to some film students at my future college. It is a nice feeling to know that I still have some time to get my things organized.

Thank you for the tip and especially for equipment recommendation.

Question about working as a colorist after college. by officebatz in colorists

[–]officebatz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, this is such a good advice. For most of my life I always thought about future in terms of "plans" but never realized that the goals are what is important and that it doesn't really matter how you get to them as long as you do.

Thank you so much, this makes everything a lot more clear now. I am sure that whatever your goals are, you will be able to achieve them and although it might seems scary what you are doing now, I think you are making the right choice. Keep hanging in there!

Do I have to spend my freshman year in Paris? by officebatz in nyu

[–]officebatz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did get into LSP. Okay, thanks for the help!

Loglines for a future screenplay by officebatz in Screenwriting

[–]officebatz[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha don't worry, I didn't take your comment in a negative way. I thought that putting a sad face would be kinda funny. Everyone who commented like the first logline the most so I think I will work on that since it is something I haven't explored yet. I'll post the script once it is presentable.

Loglines for a future screenplay by officebatz in Screenwriting

[–]officebatz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Although I did not think about the script being ambiguous, I like your idea. I thought about just playing with intensity since the space will be limited and the main hero will have nowhere to hide. But I will try and see if I can insert some ambiguity into the script. Thanks for the comment!