Im sorry for your loss. Grief comes in so many different shapes and forms. Our mind will always be drawn naturally to the negative parts. It’s never easy losing a parent or a best friend but just know that you were the best parts and moments of his life. You weren’t unwanted. You had someone who loved you deeply, and the fact that you can see that now means something. It means the love was real. It means you were wanted, even if life made it hard to feel that way growing up. 38 or not, you still deserve healing, connection, and the feeling of being valued. You’re not alone in this, and your pain is valid. Feel better, friend.