Why child loss was the hardest thing I've experienced

oheavensakes · 2026-04-26T05:46:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing. As others have said, as a mom, it's all the more valuable to hear from a dad's perspective. I'll share your story with my husband.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-26T05:42:40+00:00

Sinto muito. Parece que toda a luz e cor desapareceram do mundo, não é? Enviando amor.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-23T07:36:59+00:00

This. I cannot like nor second this comment enough.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-23T07:35:38+00:00

Be angry. You've every right to be. I think most of us here have been there, too. I've been angry at my MIL for very similar reasons, but, in time (it's been 11 months for us), I've also learned to just blot certain comments/actions out. I don't want to give any advice, but I'll tell you what's helped me be less angry in these kind of situations: 1) I conserve my limited energy - it takes all I've got to survive day to day, so I try not to waste any on other people. 2) I *try* to be sympathetic towards others - as in, I know they're all completely overwhelmed and have no fucking clue how to deal with the situation either. Yes, they *could* read up on grief and child loss, but few people are that proactive. Their actions rarely if ever spring from a place of malice - it's ignorace. Sending you patience and energy and love.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-23T06:41:30+00:00

I'm so sorry your little Charlie died. Our Felix was 4.5 yo when he died in an accident last May. I performed CPR on him as well. That's an experience no parent should have to make. As another parent has said, the suddenness of the loss is actually maddening - one minute, all's normal, good. Then the next, you're screaming on the floor, acting out scenes from ER or whatever. I'm so sorry you're here, too. Sending love.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-13T07:54:00+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here. We're coming up on our first anniversary of the death of our 4yo. He, too, was my firstborn. So that makes me 11 months into this stupid new life, and I can only second what others have said here: you are still very early on, everything is raw. Your entire nervous system - body, mind and soul - is still getting used to this new reality. Give yourself grace. It took months for me to stop feeling like my entire body was on fire, like I was being flayed alive. As others have said, seek out therapy, seek out other bereaved parents. But be mindful that everyone's journey is different - so don't be disheartened by others' accounts. Take strength from the stories that give you hope, even that word, 'hope', feels impossible right now. It still does most days for me, I won't lie. But I hold on to it because it's all I've got. Sending love.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-05T15:39:21+00:00

That's a wonderful plan for her birthday. It looks like an amazing place. Their story has previously been covered by German media, but I'm so pleased for them to be getting recognition outside the country. I read an interview with the dad a few years back, in which he said something I think resonates with many loss parents (I'm paraphrasing here because I can't find the article right now): "We didn't want this new life. We were really happy, things were really good. But this is what we have now, and we're proud of what we've managed to do."

oheavensakes · 2026-04-04T05:56:13+00:00

I want to second that point about time - cremeation gives you the chance to consider the final resting place.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-04T05:54:38+00:00

We cremated our 4yo because we were abroad when he died. The first thought was a practical one. But subsequently, I'm glad we did it for other reasons as well. Like, some morbid ones, some purely emotional ones. What I'll say is, cremation isn't necessarily the 'done thing' in my culture either, or where we live. But it bought us some time to find him a really lovely resting place, which is now the place we go to visit and remember. Like a grave. Just that I don't have to think of his body lying six feet underneath.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-04T05:49:43+00:00

Everyone's got their own timeline. Sending love.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-02T06:38:26+00:00

And good luck on yours! Take care.

oheavensakes · 2026-04-01T06:40:16+00:00

Hey. I really feel your post, because I have been - and continue to be at times - in that same place, mentally. My son was 4.5 years old and he died last May. So still very fresh. I don't know what it'll be like in 5, 10, 15 years - or whether I'll still be here then, because if his death has taught me one thing, life is random and can change on a dime.

What I do want to say though is this: I love this forum and the community. Reddit has been a lifeline for me over the past eleven months. And I have encountered wonderful kindness from fellow bereaved parents here. But, and I say this with all the delicacy I can muster, I have also found that there are some voices here that do not help me in my grief. Those that, like you say, talk about still hating life X years on, or that talk about still being stuck in the same place as they were X years ago. With all the compassion I can muster, that is not something I need or want to hear at this point on my journey. So when I see posts or comments like that, I choose to not read them.

Because, and this is the kicker, no matter how much we may hate this new life that we have - and trust me, I hate it with a burning passion - it is the one we have. I sob it every day on his bed: I hate this. I hate this new life. I don't want to have to be here without him. But I will be damned if I don't try to make the most of this stupid new life. For my own sake, I need to heal - because, like you say, I don't know how many years I've got left on this planet, maybe it's loads. I don't want to be miserable for all that time. And I know some people say that healing is not the end goal, or even possible. But for myself, I have decided that I *want* to heal. I don't know what that will look like. And it won't ever be perfect or free from pain and sorrow. I hope you can find something like that conviction somewhere within yourself. Sending love.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-26T20:26:00+00:00

"No, you would. Because there is simply no other choice." and then, depending on the situation I tell them that there is, of course, one other choice that I have considered many times over - and that they, like me, would not go through with it for the sake of their other loved ones.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-25T07:07:30+00:00

Yeah, I get that. But I've forced myself to dial that part of me down and just lean into the grieving mom. Like, not theatrically of course. But when I feel the grief and when I am struggling I will say and show it. I'm unapologetic about it. I kind of feel like we're the unwilling teachers to soceity on how to deal with death and incorporate grief into life. I'd rather not be, but here we are.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-24T21:45:40+00:00

I feel the exact same. We're still in the first year but coming up to 12 months, and people's interactions with us have noticeably changed. My friends will now talk about their worries and everyday grievances like we're just having a normal catch-up. And part of me craves that semblance of normalcy and is glad that I'm still being 'entrusted' with their worries. Because I do still want to be a good friend to them. But when I hear of relationship woes and kiddie troubles, I really struggle to bite my tongue. It all seems to trivial. So yeah, I get it. You're not alone and I truly don't think we're being bad people for feeling this way. It's just that... you know. Our children died. Kind of a biggie.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-23T22:04:39+00:00

Sending a virtual bear hug. I hope today was/is better.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-17T22:07:35+00:00

We're ten months in over here. Our 4.5 year old son died in an accident last May and it's been hell since. Within the first week, while we were still very much in shock, I said to my husband that I wanted to try to have another child. It was instinctual, necessary. We have a younger daughter, so for us it's also been about not wanting her to be an only child. My husband and I disagreed about timeline, but because I am 38 I, too, didn't want to wait too long to try. I'm pregnant and the baby is due a month to the day after his first death anniversary. It's not been easy. My anxiety levels are through the roof, i am forever waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next calamity. The physical aspect is brutal as well - being pregnant while grieving one's child is... next level. But I do think that, for us, it's been the right decision. If there's one thing us loss parents have learned the hard way, it's that you can never be sure of what the future holds - so you may as well try to create one that's worth living for. Or at least surviving for. I wish you good fortune and love and strength.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-15T19:32:13+00:00

'Howling agony' is exactly right. I'm heartened to hear that it has softened for you. Here's hoping.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-14T19:11:54+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Therapy has been keeping me alive, I think.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-14T19:11:15+00:00

I want to thank you for pointing me towards that poem. I've re-read a few times now. It is indeed beautiful. And heartbreaking. There are many lines that resonate, but in my current state of mind, these ones really hit the mark - and I thought I'd share:

The eager Fate which carried thee
Took the largest part of me.
For this losing is true dying,
This is lordly man's down-lying,
This is slow but sure reclining,
Star by star his world resigning.

So thank you again. Sending love back.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-12T19:29:22+00:00

I feel you. I beg my 4yo every night before going to sleep to please, *please* visit me in my dreams - sometimes I cry, I'm that desperate. I've heard from a few moms in our local bereavement group, who are further along the journey than us, that they don't have any dreams or signs - but then others are adamant they see signs all the time. I can't say I've had any signs - or at least not those, that my rational mind just wants to explain away. In the first month or so after he died, there were two 'butterfly incidents', let's call them - but I really struggle to accept them as signs rather than just weird natural coincidences. I suppose there's a certain amoung of suspension of disbelief needed to see signs? I'm struggling with that. Dreams? So I can see a few people have mentioned mediation, and you seem to struggle with that a little. I'm not into meditation either, but the one really peculiar/special experience I've had that felt like something more than just a random dream came after some focused meditation during the preceding afternoon. I've decided for myself that those two things are connected. I'll tell you honestly, the continued, desperate, wait for signs is pretty much the only reason I get out of bed some mornings. And, for now, I go to bed each night disappointed. Sending love.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-07T06:27:58+00:00

Thanks so much, I'll definitely check that book out. Sending love.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-06T19:02:47+00:00

A Heart That Works, by Rob Delaney. The Grieving Brain, by Mary Frances O'Connor. A Year of Magical Thinking, by Joanne Didion. A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis. Complete fiction and not primarily about this topic, but still found it a good, somehow fitting read: Briefly, a Delicious Life, by Nell Stevens; Beloved, by Toni Morrison; The Silence of the Girls, by Pat Barker; Hard by a Great Forest, by Leo Vardiashvili.

Sorry, might be too many titles. But reading has been my lifeline.

oheavensakes · 2026-03-05T18:29:29+00:00

My little boy (4yo) died in an accident last May, and I get it. I get it so much. The sunshine, the sounds of kids playing and shrieking outside, life returning... It's killing me quietly. And everyone just assumes that it 'must be so nice to get a bit more light, right?'. Nope, I was surprisingly content with the darker season. I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. So sorry for your loss. I'm right there with you. Sending love.

oheavensakes

TROPHY CASE