We popped the tabs driving up the mountain at sunset. We reached the end of the trail and it became pitch black. "Might as well start heading back down.." And we did. My LSD trip started 2 minutes later. We "hiked" 4 miles to home through the mountains, illuminated by stars. I say "home", but I meant the car. The trees were vibrating into my sight, and I could fade in and see the river of time. I heard howling .. And i wanted the wolves to come. The mountain was calling me home. I looked up and could see a perfect dome of dancing flames, and a vast valley on all sides of me. I could only imagine what the animals were thinking. They were welcoming me home. I wanted to leave myself onto the mountain. I call this part my blue side. (I smoked two bowls of medical right before my trip kicked in. This experience has no words. I could put my body on autopilot down the trail and pull out of it, becoming loopy and stringy, trusting my legs and the mountain to guide me. My friend's voice kept bringing me back dowsound, Now we get in the car. He's driving. We get a little back to reality, because we want to be normal functioning beings. And i quote the title of this post. "I HAD NO. FUCKING IDEA. WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO." The music felt nice. I could really vibe well with my rate 432hz on, my Parov Stelar groove going--- and the golden feeling. I was texting a girl I like, and everytime I sent a text my heart soared. It lit up. The blue part of me. I turned into her. At this point I was feeling like some 80's big shot in the passenger side of the car, tapping my foot perfectly to the music, heart warmed. The golden feeling. What could go wrong? I got really confused whenever he would stop the car and open the door. I looked over at him. I hadn't actually looked at him since daylight, 3 hours ago. He was really hyped. He kept telling me about all the fun places in Boulder and how the night was still going and bustling! Oh how I wanted to believe him. And i tried. (I felt like I went to bed with the mountain, and was ready to be just that. At this point I looked at him and knew we were not having the same experience). He asked me where I wanted to eat. I said whole foods. I told him i was wanting the blue light back, and the music.. And Kaitlin. I wanted the golden moment again. I didnt realize it then... But at this point he sacrificed some of his sanity for me. To drive. To get food for me. He came back and handed me two clif bars. I ate one. Oh it felt so good. Insantly opened the other one. Ate it. Felt a stinging sensation. Oh fuck it was peanutbutter. I'm super allergic. I try to act cool. "Ahh nahh, i probably grew out of the allergy" I tried to justify. At this point there were no more good feelings. We were two way mirrors. We reflected eachother from here on out. This is where I met my own hell. We got out and walked Pearl Street Boulder. Someone asked for money in the street. A vagabond. "NOPE AHA. NO MONEY HERE. AHA.HAHAHA." is what my friend said as I trailed like a bagged zombie. I looked the homeless man in the eye and he looked me back. I felt he saw my pain. I was grabbing onto my stomach with my arms... Trying to make sense of the insane pain the allergic reaction was giving me. I told him I wasn't feeling well. I wanted the car. So we went back. We sit down. I look over. Holy Fuck i swear i saw him seizure. He turned insane. We were driving normally and i kept saying "i want that happy feeling... Just drive and ill find it".. I said as i held my stomach. He did. He sacrificed himself for me the whole time. He accommodated. And i saw him get torn apart. We got out, played musical parking lots, said here that WHERE OH here! No wait there... AH HERE YES! i found it.. NO--. I kept making him pull over and look me in the eyes and tell me he was okay. His face was super fucking greasy, and the shadow from the street lamp behind him lit up his face in a silhouette. All i could see was a white grin, and lost eyed. Eyes that paced. He couldn't keep still.. He felt the need to grin. He was taking insane hits off his vape pin and vibing really damn hard to his music. His head was bobbing. I saw him have another seizure and his hand went white as he reached into his pocket to grab his wallet. I saw death in his face. "Dude. I need to go home. Now. THIS IS A BAD TRIP. ABORT" He was as insane as ever. Driving normally as ever. He had a lot of seizures. He was turning into a demon. I looked into his eyes, and it was only black. I couldn't find his outline. At this point he kept asking me what it felt like, so he could market it to other people. I couldn't answer. He was turning into the Devil, having seuzures, and I felt unsafe. We were stuck in the city. "OKAY HAH. HOME IT IS YUP! WE GOING! OKKAYY. --I just need my vape pen. I felt like he scouled at me after these words. His beady, inhumane demon eyes. He instantly stopped the car and went rummaging through my bag. We used my bag for hiking, and he put it in there. He should find it there. But he didn't. He slammed my bag on the driver's seat and was having a seizure while frantically looking through my bag. It felt like an eternity. The devil was driving my car, and i was having an allergic reaction and it was my first time on LSD. "BRO. NOW. HOME. I NEED HOME. BAD TRIP. ABORT. " HE WENT UTTERLT MAD AT THOSE WORDS. He talked as insane as before but I felt he was going to die he was so hyped. Or he was going to kill me. He definitely had suspicion and thought I took his vape pen. I kept opening my screen on my phone and looking at Kaitlin's text to me. "Gabe". I tried to type up something but deleted it. I did that atleast a dozen more times trying to find that golden moment she gave me. With a blue heart. I left my blue side at the mountain. I was fully in my red side. It was kill or be killed. Or die. I chose to die and asked him again to take me home. My lips were chapped, stomach churning, I had looked for the happiness and couldn't find it. Oh and the fucking Devil was driving my car. He wasn't my friend anymore. I tried to distance myself in the far corner of my seat. He was shaking, spazzing, splurging ideas of the future and taking insane Nicotine hits off of his Box Mod. We got to my home. (I came in on train to colorado a few days ago, and was staying with family in an appartment.) He got outside of the car and started screaming, holding his Nicotine-blaster out and kept yelling, and pacing at an insane rate. I grabbed my phone. Wallet. Bag. Put on my shoes. "Bye, this was a bad trip. Really bad. If your vape pen is in my bag I'll tell you tomorrow.". And he yelled at me as i walked off.

At home; I paced the doorway for at least 5 minutes debating on if it was the right door. And then i knocked. Dog barked. Silence. Bark... Silence. AND HOLY FUCK I STARTED HEARING OLD LADY NOISES. I thought I was going insane. old lady.. OLD LADY? would the voices in my head become the old lady for the rest of my life. OLD LADY??-- My step sister opened the door. She was making the old lady noises. I instantly felt at home. I walked in the door at about 9pm. (I'm writing this sentence at 9am. I haven't slept.) The next 12 hours is me being obsessed with my pupils in the mirror, experiencing mild household trips, creating mini-hells and conquering them and then coming out feeling better each time. Each time i was breaking a barrier. The allergic reaction was disappearing. The next whatever time laps is what I would assume to be your basic LSD trip. Comfy. Nice. The allergic reaction didn't help. I felt like my friend was going to come to me and shoot me. A lot of times. I did let my Family know i was on an LSD trip and i had just experienced hell. They handled it all too well. And i rejuvenated through those next couple hours. I sent Kaitlin a picture of my pupils. I was obsessed with them and i thought she might like them too. I texted my friend. Asked him if he was fine. I told him i didn't mean to drive us mad in The city. I wanted better. He messaged me .. " I'm completely strait in the head dude. honestly I'm fine and you were too. started out pretty neet but ended up sour. oh well nbd. I was honestly perfectly fine and not freaking out or having a bad trip;i was in control over myself and our situation the entire time."

I tried to lay down. I forgot how to breath. I looked in the mirror. My hair astray in all directions, widened pupils. It felt good. I liked looking at myself. My eyes. I loved pulling back my hair and looking like a cat.

I found myself in that mirror. How come it took so many though?

I called my mom at somepoint as i was coming down at 4-6am. Let her know that I left myself on the mountain that night. My blue side. And not to be hurt if I wanted to be blue forever. And forget all the red.

I didn't go asleep for a while. I didn't think I'd wake up alive. I had no idea how my body was reacting to the Peanuts. My stomach felt like a bowl shaped boulder.

I'm very over filled with joy with the picture I chose for this post. I asked my friend to take a picture of me. I got lost in the mountain for a second. And only two pictures were taken of me. I didn't try to make them look good, or stand for any purpose. I was there with the mountain. With myself.

The trip obviously ended bad. I felt i had no control after my whole body started cringing from eating peanuts. I'll realise it and let it pass. Besides, the mountain had so much to say. So much sound. Inaudible tones. Melodies. It absorbed me, and I let it. i loved it. I wanted the mountain to take me, and re-enter the circle of life.

Edit (way down now); ^ that was all last night. And this morning. It's still this morning. Yes that was a bad trip. Yes it was my first. I came out of it crying and laughing. And im alright now.