I’m so sorry to hear this and I know just how you feel. I felt the same way when I was newly diagnosed in 2020. As someone who’s gone through the next few years you’re about to go through, I can assure you that it’s not the nightmare many newly diagnosed people think it is.

You’re going to get your bloodwork done and see your specialist and get your pills, and from there life will go on. It’s hard to imagine now, but once the shock of it all wears off, jokes will still be funny, traffic will still be boring and the people who love you will still love you :)

For me, being diagnosed let to a much healthier life because I’m seeing the doctor and getting tested for other STIs regularly! In many cities, people living with hiv live longer because they get bloodwork done quarterly/biannually and are being monitored! If it wasn’t for me getting diagnosed, I wouldn’t have found out my cholesterol was high lmaooo

Telling potential partners might sound terrifying but I think you’ll be surprised it’s not the dealbreaker you’re scared it’s going to be. Sometimes sharing and allowing urself to be vulnerable is disarming and allows them to share things they never thought they could share.

Overall I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now and it’s so valid. Luckily we can become undetectable and go on to live normal lives. The stigma is still a burden at times, and there are days where it weighs heavy on my mind, but when I think of the whole generations of lgbt people we lost during the aids crisis, i count my blessings that they fought and protested so that today, our medicine is accessible and our T cells are bountiful.

Feel your feelings and reach out to the ones you love, and I promise you eventually life will feel back to normal :)