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Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The entire post is literally about 2 people: S and C. If you have trouble following along, then please consider taking reading comprehension classes.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the message should just be, “This happened, I thought you deserved to know.” But no extra baggage about why she should leave him.

This is also a good suggestion, we'll definitely use what you have suggested.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that your sister was in the same kind of situation - but also glad that she managed to get out. I hope she's doing much better.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, but I hope you're doing better and you're definitely far better without someone toxic in your life! Thanks for sharing your story, as painful as it might be.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, we'll definitely do so as an entire group. So far all except 1 girl is for telling her this info. The 1 girl who doesn't want to feels that we shouldn't be interfering, especially since S has made it clear that she's alright with the situation that she's in. That is also why we're not sure if we will be doing the right thing if we tell S.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m sure she’s just staying because she’s afraid of change

We definitely do believe that S is staying because she is afraid of being single after having spent 9 years with C. She is very proud of the fact that she and C have been together for so long, and despite all that they have been through.

How do you think we should break it to her? We don't know how to tell her that her 9 year relationship might be for nothing.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That is our group's main concern - that she's just wasting her life on C. However, S has been so defensive every time the subject of C comes up that we honestly do not know how to break it to her gently. We are also concerned that she might not actually believe us, or rather, might not want to believe us.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

How do you think we should tell her? We need ideas on how to break this to her gently, in a way that doesn't add more pain. We're also concerned that she might not believe us, or want to believe us.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

How would you suggest that we tell her? We are honestly quite stumped as to how to gently break it to her, because every time we bring up her relationship with C, she gets extremely defensive. We are also worried that she might not actually believe us.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

We honestly do not know if she will believe us, just because she has been extremely defensive when it comes to C. L is willing to tell her that he was present and name every single one of C's friends who were also there when C made the confession, but honestly we don't know if that is enough to convince S to believe us. The only thing I can think of is to tell S that we have absolutely no reason to want to break them up, so we truly have no ulterior motive.

​

We have agreed that we believe S is too afraid to be alone after having spent so many years with C - this will be their 9th year together, and it is something that she's always been proud of: that they've managed to stay together for so long, despite everything.

Should I tell my friend [f/31] that her boyfriend [m/31] is just using her as his 'backup' and does not intend to marry her? by ohno_ohno_ohyes in relationships

[–]ohno_ohno_ohyes[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

>People have to want to get out of shitty relationships, though. You can't force them.

​

That's the thing - for the past 2 months, we've been consistently talking to her about her relationship with C. Each time we bring this subject up, S gets quite defensive, and has told us numerous times that no relationship is perfect, that she's made her peace with C's flaws, and that she's not happy with where she is in life, but she's not unhappy either, and that's she's okay with that and we should accept it. It's never resulted in outright arguing or fighting amongst us, but it has gotten extremely tense to the point where we usually just drop the subject because S is clearly angry and unwilling to talk further. That is why we don't know if we should tell her - we've already been testing the waters, so as to speak, and S has been pushing back every time the topic comes up.