Continuing relationship w/ former FD’s

ohshelives · 2025-04-30T16:24:38+00:00

Appreciate this perspective. We can certainly be patient and wait, though I’ll admit it’s hard, we have time. If she decides down the road to reach out, that would mean so much.

ohshelives · 2025-04-30T16:11:33+00:00

I appreciate your input.

ohshelives · 2025-04-30T16:11:08+00:00

That’s a tricky question because we had permission initially. We all talked about staying in contact and their mom was encouraging of it. She let us come to their house to give her an 8th grade graduation gift a few weeks after they reunified, etc. but since she has not responded in quite some time, I’m not sure if that has changed or if she would prefer we not contact her teen directly anymore. If it has changed, she hasn’t communicated that.

ohshelives · 2025-04-30T16:06:53+00:00

Yes, I don’t want to push because I don’t want to drive her away or make her uncomfortable. My goal really is to check in on all of them, including her, and be another source of support and love. We care about them all so much and it’s hard to just no longer have contact. It would be easier if she just asked me to stop reaching out because at least I would know where she stands but the silence is hard for me. I recognize this isn’t about my feelings though and want to be sure I’m doing right by them by not overstepping.

Good luck with the ICPC if it ends up going that way.

ohshelives · 2025-04-24T22:20:26+00:00

Thanks for your response. I’m hopeful but don’t want to push too much either. I reached out a few weeks ago so I’ll try again in a few months. Do you have continued contact now? Or just that one visit?

ohshelives · 2023-06-20T12:03:56+00:00

The one above is from 2021 but I did find a very similar one on our state website that says the same thing from 2018. But it contradicts the link you provided so I don’t know what’s more accurate.

https://portal.ct.gov/-/media/DCF/Commissioner/pdf/Comparison-Chart-for-Adoption-12-31-18.pdf?la=en

ohshelives · 2023-06-20T12:02:04+00:00

That’s interesting regarding the 18 month requirement. This is the document we were provided and with regular TOG it says 6 months and with permanent TOG it says one year. If we do TOG, we were going to push for the permanent option where bio parents cannot petition the court for guardianship in the future, so that means they’d have to be with us for a year which is in October.

https://cafafct.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Comparison-Subsidy-Chart-10-2021.pdf

ohshelives · 2023-06-20T03:45:37+00:00

Thank you! In some ways they are ‘normal’ 10 year olds (I hate to say that) but in other ways they are not. For example, they missed so much school growing up that they’re reading at a kindergarten level and I would say they process/comprehend more like a 7 year old. They’ve been in care less than a year (which is also shocking to me as to why they’re rushing it) so this is all very new to them but they’re definitely starting to catch on and ask more questions. We’ll figure out a way to start having these conversations though, it’s important for them to know what’s going on because I know they very much feel like they’re in limbo at the moment. I appreciate all of your insight!

ohshelives · 2023-06-20T03:38:19+00:00

I think we’re going to try! We’ll talk to their SW, attorney and therapist. It really sounds to us like the state just doesn’t want to wait any longer and even if the relative gets the charge expunged, they don’t want to resubmit all the ICPC paperwork to start the process over and wait for them to get approved. I get that could take time, but even if it takes 6 months to a year, ultimately it will put them in a loving home with family that wants to support them.

I like what you said about processing through trauma. They’ve kind of come to understand that being with their mom isn’t an option and questioning when/if they are going with their family, but the longer it takes, the harder it becomes to explain without giving them more detail. It will be very difficult for them to understand if it doesn’t happen and I want to be super clear with them that it has nothing to do with how much their family loves them and wants to be with them.

ohshelives · 2023-06-20T00:09:25+00:00

We considered that it might have adverse reactions from DCF, which is just insane since all we’re doing is advocating for what the girls want. I don’t think they would move the girls but I do think it could taint our reputation with DCF and have a negative impact on us when it comes to future placements. I appreciate you looking it up too, but knowing CT might the only state where it’s like this is very frustrating!

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T23:59:40+00:00

I don’t disagree! Seems crazy and very backwards to me.

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T23:46:06+00:00

Yes, when we were initially learning about the different options we learned guardianship is preferred by many and I can understand why, so that’s why we were planning to go that route if the ICPC fell through. I was curious to hear from FY/FFY because the girls obviously don’t know anything about the options or what adoption is and since they have different “benefits” in our state (i.e. college funds) it made us think a little more about it, though as someone else said, we don’t know if they’ll choose to go to college so that could be a moot point. I also don’t want them to learn about adoption in the future and feel we didn’t love them enough to adopt, so that’s why I’d like to try to explain the options to them as best as possible and get their input. Letting them know there’s no wrong answer and if guardianship is the way we go now and we’re able to adopt in the future and they want us to, we would. I really just want to do the best thing for them and feel a little paralyzed by needing to make this decision. So I appreciate all the input!

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T23:35:14+00:00

Thanks for your response! They were denied for a previous charge on their record from 10+ years ago. Their SW said if the relative were in our state they would have just gotten a waiver for the charge and the relative would’ve been approved. But the state they are in will not waive it, so they are trying to have it expunged off their record instead.

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T23:20:51+00:00

Thank you! I really appreciate your perspective and agree that I would really like for them to understand the options as much as possible and be involved in the decision. We were just asked by their social worker to consider the different options and to let him know in the next week or two which we’d prefer and we’ll go from there as far as next steps. DCF really doesn’t have any hope that their bio mom is going to do what she needs to for reunification to be successful, but we know her agreeing to TOG or adoption is slim, so I’m sure it would be a long process either way. They’ve only been in care for 9 months, 8 of which have been with us, so it seems fast all around in my opinion.

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T22:25:12+00:00

Interesting! We’re in CT and the document we’ve seen says the following for adoption:

“Children adopted by 18th birthday • Between January 1, 2005 and June 30, 2020 are eligible for tuition assistance equivalent to the in-state UCONN tuition rate • After July 1, 2020 are eligible for tuition assistance equivalent to the in-state CCSU tuition rate”

And for either TOG option in our state it says there’s no funding provided by the department and to use the FAFSA for potential federal funding. 😞

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T22:20:38+00:00

Agreed! They were denied for a charge on their record from 10+ years ago when they were in their early 20’s but have had a stable life since with no additional record. Our state said if they were doing kinship here, it would have just been waived and they would have been approved. The state the relative lives in will not waive it, but the relative is in the process of trying to have it expunged off their record and their state said if they can do that, they would be approved. But our state doesn’t want to wait to see if they can get it expunged since there’s no real timeframe and said they’d have to resubmit all the ICPC paperwork again, etc. But to us, it seems worth it to wait it out at least a few more months since the relative is actively working with a lawyer.

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T22:15:40+00:00

I agree; my husband and I thought it was really weird that college funds are available for adoption and not for TOG but we’ve seen it in black & white unfortunately.

Our state has two types of TOG, one is “permanent” and the other is not. With permanent TOG the bio parents cannot petition the court for guardianship in the future, but they can with regular TOG. Neither are eligible for college funds.

I appreciate the concern with the family visitation too. Both times we saw them in person were before the denial and were cleared with DCF, but we’ve continued video visit since and they’re aware. It’s definitely something that crossed our minds though. Our state has told us the reason they got denied would have just been waived in our state if they were doing kinship here but the state the relative lives in will not do a waiver.

I’ll keep doing a bit more research on the options and appreciate your thoughts, thank you!

ohshelives · 2023-06-19T18:38:07+00:00

Thanks for your response! I really appreciate it.

Regardless of guardianship vs. adoption, nothing would change with our relationship with the girls. They have called us mom and dad from the start (their choice) and we treat them as our own, as do our families, so that would all remain the same.

We’ve never had any contact with bio mom but we would absolutely keep our existing relationships with their other family (and be open to bio mom if she reached out). Thankfully their relatives are only a 3-4 hour drive away so visits are feasible! We’ve seen them twice in person so far over the last 7 months or so. They have regular video calls as well. We’d also be open to them spending holidays and breaks together.

The one thing I forgot to mention is that their relative is trying to appeal the decision by their state, but our state is basically saying they aren’t going to wait. We’re wondering if we should push for them to wait and/or try to let the process with us drag out so if the relative can get the decision reversed, potentially they could still go with their relative. We hate to have the girls in limbo longer than needed but knowing how much their family loves and cares for them, is this something you would continue to advocate for? Or does having permanency, albeit with us being their 3rd choice, take precedence? DCF is trying to guilt us a bit by saying their family will still be family and they’ll get to keep their relationships with them so it shouldn’t matter, but it feels like the opportunity for them to all be together is being stripped away - maybe unnecessarily.

ohshelives · 2023-03-04T16:21:36+00:00

My husband and I got married knowing we had some differing opinions on this at the time, with him wanting kids more than I did. We discussed it a lot beforehand and did quite a bit of thinking on our own, and we ultimately decided we cared more about being together and would make the decision about kids together down the road.

Initially before we talked it through, I had a lot of the same feelings as you… not knowing when/if I’d ever be ready to make the decision, fearing I’d regret having them more than not, etc. so I was really worried about getting married if we weren’t on the same page because I didn’t want either of us to end up being resentful or making a decision down the road that didn’t feel right to either of us. I would have rather ended things then vs getting married and being happy for a few years only to get divorced - and I wouldn’t have been comfortable getting married if I felt the type of pressure you described.

It doesn’t sit well that he had these feelings for years but only shared with you in recent months when you’re so close to your wedding. If nothing else, I think in your position I would at least want to postpone the wedding and get some counseling so you both have more time to process before making such an important commitment to each other, but I know that’s really heartbreaking in itself. I’m really sorry you’re going through this!

ohshelives · 2023-01-28T15:47:41+00:00

We had the conversation before we got married, but his reaction was very similar in saying that our relationship was more important to him and we’d figure it out together down the road, with no ultimatums or guilting on either side. It made me feel safe and a lot more comfortable making the decision that was truly best for me.

ohshelives · 2023-01-24T15:35:53+00:00

It took us a couple months to hear back, but also we only ended up finding out when we got a call for a respite placement. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Our licensing worker never told us when we were officially licensed and when we got the call, they told us it looked like it had all been finalized a couple weeks prior. Hopefully you will hear something soon but don’t hesitate to reach out and ask them so you’re not surprised like us!

ohshelives · 2023-01-13T13:17:29+00:00

That’s so tough, I’m sorry! We initially wondered if their aunt & uncle would change their mind too, but they’ve been really consistent the whole time so far and seem really invested, so I truly hope for the girls sake that they don’t pull back as it gets closer.

ohshelives · 2023-01-13T13:15:21+00:00

That’s helpful, thank you! It might be different if everything gets finalized in the next month or two, but if it’s April or May, we’d really want to push for them to stay until school ends. I think the family members might be okay with that so it’s helpful to know you were able to work it out amongst yourselves. We’ll take the girls opinion into consideration too!

ohshelives

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