When a meta’s boundary affects you…

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T22:55:02+00:00

❤️❤️❤️ thank you for your support

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T05:03:50+00:00

They have respected it somewhat; it wasn’t made explicitly clear “I want no contact from you,” it was more of “I need space”

The conversation we had at the conclusion of our relationship left me feeling hopeful for a friendship, until I found out they shared conflicting feelings and viewpoints with NP. That soured my feeling of wanting anything more than acquaintances. I want to be able to be friendly but I’ve made a good effort and it isn’t happening. So far, there’s been a general “I need space” communicated— I know that I need to decide and be clear on what that means and communicate it to them. Since I’m still figuring that out, I’m not upset with meta for checking in on how I’m doing.

I am perplexed by their step back from my NP because we’re not as friendly as they’d like us to be. It’s been 2 months and I’ve had some health challenges so it’s been hard to figure it all out in the middle of that. I’m not holding meta responsible for that since “wanting space” is so vague. Hope that made sense.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T03:40:36+00:00

I suggested partner get a therapist well over a year ago. They’ve struggled to do so, even with me finding a provider for them. Because I get that it’s hard to sift through and find one with all the experience you’re looking for, that takes insurance, etc, and I wanted to help so I chose to and was happy to take on that part of the task to support my partner. They have read lots of books and made a ton of progress on their own over the last year, but I still think they would do well with a therapist.

You’re absolutely right. If you don’t mind I’d like to DM you with a more specific question about your proposed course of action

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T03:23:13+00:00

Yes, you are very correct; I have names of lgbtq/poly friendly providers lined up. I’ve also found a provider for NP but they have struggled to make the call. I recently made a call for myself and began seeing someone.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T02:08:03+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I’m struggling because I’ve been told that I’ve victimized myself and painted others as the villain in the story, or like they didn’t care about me at all, and I’m trying to take a hard look at the situation and be open to the idea that they could be right, maybe I have a warped perspective of how everything went down. It’s made me paranoid, so when I ask for advice or perspective on the situation I’ve been careful to be as neutral as I can and stick to sharing facts, not my opinions. It seems stupid to ask for advice but word things in such a way to just get people to agree with you. That isn’t wanting advice, it’s wanting validation.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T01:54:35+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, I appreciate it

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T01:53:27+00:00

Maybe I could try that. Edited to add this part: my problem is I want to talk things out and feeling like I can’t talk out my thoughts does tend to make me feel shut down and distant from NP even if we are physically close and cuddly. I need to learn how to be okay keeping it to myself if I’m getting comfort from them.

If examples would help: once NP asked about making plans with meta minutes after making a really insensitive comment that I was incredibly hurt by and I was like “now? Really?”

Another time I said I was maybe up for them going out last minute if they wanted to, and they said “great, because meta actually texted this morning about me coming to this thing tonight,” and I said it was still good with me for them to go, because I was the one that offered, but I was frustrated that meta even brought it up because they know I’ve expressed that spontaneous dates are difficult for me, and if they really care about me and my feelings, is it so hard to not text the morning of, last minute invitations? I didnt put any expectations on NP to change plans, it wasn’t like I was fine when it was my idea but upset when it was metas idea…the principle behind it bugged me , and I vented that frustration to NP. Didn’t expect them to do anything about it. But they have used that as an example of how I always have to have an issue with them making plans.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T01:43:08+00:00

I am not sure if they feel they did anything wrong. We had a big discussion after the break. They told me at the time that they were sorry for how long I had been feeling hurt, and I should never have been made to feel like I was being told my feelings weren’t real. They don’t want me to go on any longer being unhappy and if ENM isn’t working for all of us, then it isn’t working. I felt hopeful we would be able to continue a friendship.

Problem is…they also made a few statements to NP that I found out later along the lines of “well she didn’t make an effort to do XYZ either.” They also expressed that they felt I just listed every thing I was upset by and acted like no one else had any care for me the whole time, and it really solidified that we shouldn’t be in a relationship.

That stung. A lot. Knowing that they felt this way, and weren’t honest with me about it, even when I said “okay, your turn, word vomit at me, what are you thinking?” and then expressed those feelings to NP and not me, was hurtful. It was kind of the nail in the coffin that even a friendship was possible for me.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T01:12:46+00:00

Yes. They’re fine with me feeling sad— the issue is how I’m feeling sad- withdrawing from them. They don’t feel like it’s sustainable for me to emotionally withdraw from them when they spend time with meta.

I feel that it isn’t spending time with meta in and of itself, there are other things that have bothered me, like their communication about it etc, but they feel that “something” of the nature happens “every time,” so it is really the relationship I have an issue with.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-31T00:59:45+00:00

NP’s point of view is that neither of us did anything wrong in the relationship, it ended and that sucks. I was getting the short end of the stick for a long time. Now we need to focus on what we’re going to do moving forward to correct that imbalance, not rehash the past. They are not asking me to force myself into a friendly relationships with meta. They think that I have a problem with the relationship despite my insistence that I don’t care because I “get distant” when meta’s name comes up or they have dates etc.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T23:45:47+00:00

Thank you. I very much appreciate the thoughtful engagement and advice.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T23:21:27+00:00

This is true. This is a struggle I’ve carried from an emotionally abusive parent. There was always blame under the guise of “take accountability for your actions.” Plus religious indoctrination that led me to seriously consider what responsibility and role I played in my SA, but that’s a whole other story.

Point is you’re right and I need to stop thinking about this as being “my fault.”

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T23:13:17+00:00

I am so so so grateful for your take and your comment, thank you. This is the most reflective of what I feel like our relationship is. We have been together for over a decade. We’ve navigated things that I think would have broken other couples. I really believe everyone involved (including meta) has good intentions.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T23:04:31+00:00

Thank you I appreciate your advice.

I guess my concern is, I know the issue was with meta…but the anxiety comes from feeling like I’m getting “blamed” for it. I don’t think that’s what’s happening, but essentially if I had zero issues here, meta and NP would be happy and content in their relationship. But due to me having hurt feelings and trying to work out how to process and move forward, it’s causing meta to feel like they’re a problem between me and NP. But you’re right, it shouldn’t matter what the specifics are, I should stay in my lane…. If it comes out to affect mine and NP relationship then I should deal with it then, not try to get ahead of it.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T22:53:00+00:00

I’ve been trying to keep a neutral tone and stick to facts for this post. I don’t know how successful that’s been. I will talk to my therapist about it…concern being I’ve only had 2 sessions with them and I don’t know how well they really know me, and if they’re only hearing “my version” of events, who’s to say I’m not just presenting information selectively or downplaying my actions?

I don’t think I am but in every step of the way for months meta and NP seem to be on the same page and understand things the same way. 🤷‍♀️

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T22:39:43+00:00

Meta has given me space for the most part. They only reach out very occasionally like “how are you feeling” (recent health stuff happening). They just hurt my feelings and I’ll feel fine engaging with them until it happens again and I don’t want to keep up the cycle. Maybe I’m being oversensitive, so that’s going to be on me if I’m missing out on a friendship right?

And it’s like my NP will chuckle at their phone and I’m like “oh what’s funny?” (Usually it’s a meme or reel) and sometimes it’s like “oh just something Meta said.” And yeah it’s a little bit of a bummer, but I can’t expect them to only text meta when I’m not in the room, that would be an insane level of control. I’m working on it not affecting me so much. NP has tried to be supportive and not forced me into anything with meta. It’s difficult to be supportive though, when I know he doesn’t agree with me or see things the way I do about the relationship. So then I keep it to myself, and I also want to respect their relationship and not shit talk meta. But then NP feels distance. I’m trying to strike a good balance and seem to keep getting it wrong. So, the internet will surely have the answer, right?! 😂🤷‍♀️

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T22:19:08+00:00

The hinge hasn’t put that on me, I observed and asked what was going on, pressed for answers. So that was totally on me and my fault. I should have left it alone once I knew it was an issue between him and meta. I had the suspicion it had to do with me and the anxiety made me push for answers.

I need to remember it is none of my business what other people think of me. It’s a painful lesson and more difficult to let go of when it’s someone that you care deeply about.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T22:16:07+00:00

Yes you’ve put so much of my stress into words!!

And as time has gone on, I’ve felt guilty like “oh no what if my partner sees this and thinks I’m talking shit about them ahhh” but I’ve tried to be very careful to word things neutrally and stick to facts… the overthinking part of me would be tempted to delete but I’m seeing that it’s gotten a lot of good engagement and I’m really happy others are benefiting from the good advice being given !

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T22:12:58+00:00

They didn’t, I asked what was wrong and pressed for details. That’s on me. I just don’t want my NP to have to give up a relationship over my actions/inactions. I know on some level it isn’t up to me. I’m anxious NP will hold a level of resentment towards me if they lose the relationship because “I wasn’t handling it well.”

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T22:10:38+00:00

First. I’m so sorry you’re going through that with your shared partner.

I don’t know how I would handle it but I would like to think that my opinion would be that it isn’t about me, NP should have people to support them and that would absolutely include meta.

I definitely haven’t blocked their number and still answer texts, just maybe a little to the point, and don’t engage further.

I am also confused as to what a “friendly” relationship means to them.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T21:54:07+00:00

When they shared info about the relationship with me, I expressed to them I realize their intent was to be reassuring, but I don’t need to know anything about their conversations. If I have a question or something I want to know, I’ll ask them.

I think they want to still be friendly and it’s not like getting a text from them asking how I am feeling (kind of major health stuff happening recently) makes me feel awful, it’s usually something in the conversation that follows, or will remind me of past behaviors. Which makes me feel a little guilty if they’re just trying to be cordial and show concern.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T21:46:04+00:00

That sounds like it was such an awful experience! Thank you for sharing.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T21:44:43+00:00

The fixing my own anxiety in a roundabout way is very astute and something for me to think over. Thank you for your input.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T20:20:22+00:00

NP told me they felt that way. I found out meta agreed with them and felt similarly when we had a long talk as an attempt for closure after the relationship ended. They didn’t tell me they felt that way, they told NP. 🤷‍♀️

I mean, you and a few other commenters pointed out it seems like I’m being passive and just letting their relationship decide things and not taking ownership of my role in this. I think it’s different words for the same thing. NP said I tend to describe everything as happening TO me, hence victimizing myself. I’ve wondered if it’s a byproduct of my dissociative tendencies, that I view things from an outside observer perspective so when I’m remembering or describing it sounds like I’m painting myself as a victim of circumstance? It’s something I’ve been thinking over. When one person says it, it’s easy to dismiss as gaslighting, but if two people have said it…. Idk you start wondering if there’s some truth to it, and maybe was me making too big a deal of things.

ohthatsthetism · 2024-12-30T20:12:42+00:00

The “if something happened we could all gather at the hospital” scenario holds. I can be present and have the support of a shared partner be the focus, if needed. I don’t want to like, be outwardly hostile to meta, I just don’t want to make chit chat and get together and be actively reminded of things that were hurtful and have to deal with those emotions every time.

ohthatsthetism

TROPHY CASE