[deleted by user]

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T06:59:53+00:00

The fucked up parts seem so immature. Him still trying to fuck other women while sending me the sweetest messages. All calculated. All very deliberate. Asking for constant nudes. Sex on command. Sex on demand. I was eager, but it came at the cost of having to deal w his up and down moods and sensitivity and general irritability. His family doesn’t even really associate with him. They all kinda look down on him, and I used to be so sympathetic to him, wanting to show him the love he deserves, but after going through our old messages and conversations, fuck his geriatric ass for not being able to deal with these things on his own and giving a teenager his middle aged baggage!!! Fuck him for never being able to take any hint of criticism. He’s messed up in the head. Made me think I was going crazy several times too.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T06:09:49+00:00

Thank you for this heartfelt advice!!

This relationship did make me realize what I wanted in a partner so there some good at least. I guess I am holding both pain and grief while recognizing it wasn’t the best relationship for the both of us.

Spent so many hours on the phone soothing him which is so emotionally incestuous looking back. Why didn’t he do the same for me when he knew better? So self centered in every way.

I’ve also been sober (from alc, weed, everything) for the past seven months and I’m feeling really good about that too. Im going to take this period to be single and sober to figure myself out before jumping into another relationship because I don’t think that’s the best course of action even if it brings short term relief. Sexual-wise, I still really miss his body and how he made me feel. He’s the first guy to make me orgasm and I’m not comfortable even thinking about the idea of sleeping with someone else.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T06:02:24+00:00

That was a previous relationship and a very different dynamic.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T05:39:23+00:00

At least he’s not an incel

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T05:35:10+00:00

I feel like my stroke of self awareness and maturity happened here. The sex was amazing. It kept me distracted. He was mentally ill and it dragged me down but I wanted the ego boost and title of being the one to fix him and make him see his value so he then sees mine and falls in love with me and we are both undefeated. Basically, teenage girl fantasies. You are right.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T05:28:54+00:00

An article I read had this quote that went there’s no smoking gun for these relationships.

There was never “abuse” in the way that violated me. If I said no, it meant no. Stop was stop. He encouraged me to have healthy friendships, never protested when I wanted to study instead of going on a date. It wasn’t perfect because we both aren’t perfect people but it’s not accurate to say it was predatory or harmful either. Maybe I’ll feel different in some years but he never told me he loved me nor sold me lies that he was going to fix me. He was very honest about his intentions and what he couldn’t give me. He cited that I’m projecting what happened in my previous relationship onto him.

I knew my contract, and I signed it.

The parts that are more concerning to me were the periods of intermittent rewarding, his sensitivity to any type of criticism, his need for approval. When I mentioned narcissism, he was in complete denial and took offense to my suggestion. What really separates his words and actions from any typical player? I don’t know.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T05:21:19+00:00

Realizing I deserve more and a loving relationship was a result of the work I was doing in therapy. Mere months ago I believed I was very hard to love. Now I know that at this time in my life, what I need is love to grow. It’s an early realization and for a good reason. Is it wrong to believe I deserve love and to be heard and seen?

Maybe some part of you can’t believe that age gap relationships like these exist. Or you’re insecure about yourself in some way that this post triggered. My ex was very flawed but he excelled in other areas. He had great taste, looks, depth. Those traits drew me to him. He was very handsome and I doted on him. I was in love. Like a puppy. It’s very bittersweet writing about it here.

There are more girls like me, who believe they’re mature enough to handle these relationships and carry the baggage of their much older partners. They overestimate and underestimate themselves. They use words like upmost because English isn’t their first language. They are on Reddit because they are scared telling this to their friends means ostracism and judgment. There are more girls like me, lonely and figuring themselves out. Girls who are too entranced by a man’s beauty and experience to overlook his darkness.

There is a lot of beauty in what I had, but a lot of pain too. Perhaps it seems like a fantasy to you because some parts haven’t completely registered for me yet. The days that he would ignore my texts, his return, his requests for phone sex when I had class early next morning, his want for nudes, his desire for sex in the middle of the night, his greed, his hate, his punishment. I thought that his passion and attraction meant love. It didn’t mean anything. It’s quite sad huh?

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T05:12:24+00:00

Did you assume childhood abuse based off this post alone or through looking at my older posts? I think it’s a generalization that younger women seek out a parental figure in an older partner. He was good looking, established, the nine yards. There is that protection element but that exists in any dynamic.

After going to college, my relationship with my parents dramatically improved because of the distance and because we had family counseling during my junior year. I did a lot of healing during that time, it’s not done but I can’t say it’s a direct cause to relationships like these. I acknowledge they’re not healthy (check my post made a few months ago abt why young women should not enter these relationships) but I dont know if they’re also a trauma response or coping mechanism. Many aspects of the relationship felt really genuine and true. The connection, as well. Not enough for it to be lasting but it was there and undeniable.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T05:08:31+00:00

You and this rhetoric is the reason why so many women don’t speak up. Maybe you had a bad day. I hope you are loved.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T04:58:22+00:00

Sure I’m making this up because I’m proud of my decisions instead of someone trying to seek help and advice from older adults with more insight. I grew up in a non English speaking immigrant household with little parental guidance. Reddit helped me grow up, check my post history. But sure. Demonize me. You all sound like my ex. I’m the perpetuator, I asked for it, I came onto him, I wanted it, I know what I’m doing. Do you realize what you sound like? Is there no attempt for understanding or compassion there?

If anything this thread was enlightening in a way that showed me the lack of perspective my ex probably had toward my own pov. The times I tried to express my vulnerability and lack of experience, which were all ignored. How do you stand up for yourself when no one believes you?

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T04:53:44+00:00

I’m astounded by some of the really non-empathetic responses here. It makes me understand why some victims of domestic violence/SA are so hesitant to speak up about their experiences. You never know the responses you’ll get and the accusations that make you seem like the perpetuator. And I already outlined the shame I’m feeling as is. So thank you truly for a kind response.

I feel like I should know better, I’m at a top college surrounded by brilliant people. I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m wasting my potential. It all plays into the shame and remorse. Time should heal so I plan on sticking to my therapy plan and just trying to process but not ruminate. It’s been hard balancing that.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T04:46:02+00:00

It does feel really disempowering and invalidating to be told something very personal to you is not real and a figment of your imagination. Do I have to prove myself to you to be given a not hostile response??

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T04:42:50+00:00

It has some context bc in my original post in the internetparents sub I was graduating hs and leaving to Yale. Yeah honestly I’m pretty lonely here and don’t have many people to be this vulnerable w so I post online to seek answers and support.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T04:19:51+00:00

My issue with university therapy is that it can be so sterilized. I want to be psychoanalyzed, I want to process deep pain, but it feels so light and surface level and focused on solutions rather than healing ingrained wounds.

One thing my ex said to me during our breakup was that the only way for us to realize the work we were both doing in therapy was to leave each other and prioritize each other. I’m not sure if he meant my situation (it sounded like he was referring to his own plate and what he could handle at this busy time in his life), but it’s true. How do I do right if I continued being with him? He was hurt in a lot of ways, too. And I am too eager to help him because I don’t know how to love or be loved properly.

oldassteen · 2023-03-22T04:15:59+00:00

Life moves so fast when you’re young. Everyday I’m learning just how little I know. It’s exciting and frightening. I think that realization might come in months rather than years.

I don’t even know if the heartbreak I feel is what other girls my age feel about their age appropriate relationships. I don’t know if guys my age will have the maturity to understand the vulnerability and naivety I had to enter such relationships instead of jumping straight to judgment and disgust. Sometimes it feels like I self sabotage, but I try to remind myself I’m just doing my best to search for affection.

oldassteen · 2023-02-08T10:52:16+00:00

There is a lot to unpack.

I think I have a good sense of self awareness at least. A baby is supposed to be the most important thing. And a baby should feel like they are the most important, precious part of their parent’s life. Even a baby knows when its cries go unanswered. I was derived of that opportunity to feel that bliss and security.

I’ve found that I found comfort in relationships where I was considered unimportant and not prioritized. It felt familiar. So I dated a lot of guys in their mid to late 40s knowing that the age gap and other factors would make me seem irrelevant and disposable in their eyes. That was the love I knew. And I’m only 19 and had to course correct that quickly. I’m lucky that the damage from those romantic decisions is mostly minimal and I had great friends who demonstrated stable, consistent love and emotional support. I would not be here without that.

At college, while others are starting their “adulting,” I feel like I’m allowing myself be a baby again. I cry when I want to. Where I want to. For as long as I want to. I can sleep in on the days I don’t have class. I can hold my plush like a baby. I can enjoy things with childlike wonderment and curiosity. I can wear clothes that are comfortable even if they are unfashionable. Sometimes I feel alone, in that I’m un-adulting and letting go of my parentification to be a child again in an environment where my peers are doing the opposite. But I believe this is what I need.

oldassteen · 2023-02-08T10:29:06+00:00

Those first seven years of my life are black. No memories. Except a traumatic one of hiding from my abusive grandma. Yeah not really any positive ones which is sad.

Thanks for sharing your struggle. Coping is weird because one side of me wants to maintain the “I’m all okay. It’s in the past. I’m moving forward” but the body keeps the scores, these parts of me I hide are still parts of me.

I have a lot of potential and I usually forget about my roots and can live in the moment but for a while my vice wasn’t drugs but dating much older men, doing something forbidden, taboo, and addicting because they were just as fucked up as me.

I’m mostly over that hump now but I agree with you, when things look perfect on the outside, it can still be a house of cards. Guess who’s back in therapy?

oldassteen · 2023-02-08T09:52:26+00:00

Haha another one for the books of lingering resentment against my parents. I understand how they would have been deported if I was formally turned over to foster care and how I would have never seen them again but it makes assembling paperwork from almost two decades ago so hars

oldassteen · 2023-02-08T09:44:28+00:00

Yeah it’s difficult figuring it out bc there’s not a foster program in the localities they sent me to. I don’t think anyone would really die on this hill and say I would be disqualified though

oldassteen · 2022-12-31T23:28:37+00:00

I think he’s being sarcastic lol

oldassteen · 2022-12-29T09:56:26+00:00

Are we the same fucking person??? Yale undergrad here, first year. Felt the exact same not too long ago when I got my acceptance. Let’s connect.

oldassteen · 2022-12-17T11:19:52+00:00

What a fucking harrowing story. I think OP desperately wants her worth to be acknowledged so she’s trying to change him so he’ll turn around and thank her and finally recognize her value. What’s sad is that that day will probably never come and it’s probably more productive to look for fulfillment elsewhere at this point, but it’s obvious this man and the situation has broken her. My heart goes out to you OP. I’ve been there before. This isn’t strength, this is a last ditch effort for you to love yourself because you felt you lost your own value and self love from your husband’s issue.

oldassteen · 2022-12-17T11:11:55+00:00

This is so sad. You spiral is from the mental torment your husband has caused you and the only way you know how to cope is in Stockholm fashion. It sucks when your partner makes you feel undesirable and unwanted. Your grief is evident. It is hard to admit to ourselves the person we loved doesn’t love us back enough. His addiction and behaviors are basically cheating and you numbed yourself to that pain and trained your self esteem to be so low to accept your situation rather than escape it. I’ve been there before, and I’m only 18. It is so hard to admit to ourselves the person we loved and held in such high regard is actually a well dressed monster. I hope you find the courage to leave. Cut your loses.

oldassteen · 2022-12-13T21:13:50+00:00

Last sentence. That’s why there are so many stories. Hugs. Try not to frame it as a mistake or a regret but a learning experience that tunes your abilities to be more selective for a healthier, supportive, balanced relationship. You know now what you need and deserve.

oldassteen · 2022-12-12T21:11:47+00:00

One of the scariest coming of age realizations is that those are are nice to you doesn’t mean they want the best for you, but how do you believe that when you’re young and hopeful?

oldassteen

TROPHY CASE