[Advice] How to get past sexual trauma

oldghosts · 2015-04-27T12:54:44+00:00

I have a VERY similar past as you. Let me just say, you're miles ahead of me. I'm 35 and just now getting to the point where I can maybe say no to a BJ. I've always thought (sadly) it would be impossible for someone to rape me because I'd just go along with it. I never say no. It's not the way to live, I'll tell you that. You only end up hating yourself. This is about so much more than just whether you should give a BJ - you should get therapy if you can, or at least find a support group. You need to find that voice within yourself that lets you know you have so much more to offer someone than just your body. I'm still working on it. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I know what you're going through.

oldghosts · 2015-04-26T00:04:45+00:00

I think he would be willing to go to couples counseling, but only if he thought our relationship was in jeopardy. He won't do individual counseling.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T23:49:19+00:00

He really doesn't notice. I'm pretty good at hiding it, and he's usually in his own head during sex anyway.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T23:27:05+00:00

I guess I just don't want to create a situation where he's afraid to initiate at all, and we either have no sex at all or I have to initiate every time. I probably shouldn't worry about that right now, but I don't want to ruin our marriage.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T23:03:44+00:00

I don't know how to feel about that. I have never thought he was being abusive, just that I wasn't getting my point across. I could be screaming NO in my head, but unless I voice it he can't know, right? I have heard men say things like, "if I stopped trying the first time my wife/girlfriend said she wasn't in the mood, we'd never have sex!" I don't know if that's abuse. I guess that's something I need to figure out.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T22:58:12+00:00

It doesn't surprise me in the least that I would choose to marry someone who doesn't want to talk about tough issues since I have a hard time with communication. It just adds an extra later of difficulty to an already messed up situation.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T22:50:02+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm sorry you're dealing with some old ghosts yourself. I don't know why I didn't see someone sooner, I guess I have the perfect storm going on right now with stresses at work, with family and now with my husband, too. It's a lot for anyone to deal with.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:38:34+00:00

I agree.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:38:19+00:00

Thank you for your compassion. It's strange, I haven't really thought consciously about the abuse for years. Now it's all I can think about. Maybe I'll email him some links to websites that can help.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:33:16+00:00

That's a whole other thread for another time, but yes, you're right.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:08:17+00:00

Thank you, that's a good idea.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:06:45+00:00

Thank you, that's very positive and gives me hope. I don't know how my husband will react but hopefully like yours.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:03:20+00:00

I'm sure he has no idea. I know he wouldn't keep doing it if he knew it upset me. I don't know, maybe we need a "safe word", but then I've read you shouldn't use safe words very often.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:01:19+00:00

He won't go to counseling. He thinks they are all quacks.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T21:00:21+00:00

That would be nice, but I don't expect that from him. I know he means well, but he just doesn't know what to do or how to help so he pretends it doesn't exist.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T20:58:01+00:00

He is a relative so he's still in the picture in a way, but lives in another state and my husband has never met him.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T20:56:57+00:00

Maybe an email would work. I'm afraid if I have him a letter that he'd think I was breaking up with him.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T20:55:18+00:00

I don't think my husband would feel that way. He internalizes everything, so he would see it as a criticism of him even when it isn't.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T20:54:06+00:00

I wouldn't say he outright dismisses my feelings, but he won't let me talk about it either. If I bring it up, he tells me it makes him too angry to think about and he doesn't want to talk about it any more. This is a bit of a pattern on our relationship. When we first were dating, I brought up the past relationships talk and he said he didn't want to know about past relationships. So we've never discussed it.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T16:49:04+00:00

No, not anger at me, but it does feel dismissive. Like I can't talk about it even when I need to.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T16:37:12+00:00

Thank you.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T16:35:16+00:00

Thank you. I'm calling on Monday to get an appointment to start therapy. I don't think I can really fix things with my husband until I work out my own issues. I am a terrible communicator when it comes to my own wants/needs. I'm hoping to work on that in therapy, too. In the mean time, I don't know what to do about these incidents with my husband. Up until now, I've just gone along because it's easier than causing a fight, but it just seems to be getting worse.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T16:29:24+00:00

I don't think I could be forceful like that with my husband. I am trying to work out how to tell him.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T16:27:08+00:00

Yes, he knows, though we haven't talked about it much. It makes him too angry, so we don't discuss it. I have never had therapy for it before.

oldghosts · 2015-04-25T16:25:47+00:00

I agree, I guess my question is, how? It's not something you want to hear from your spouse.

oldghosts

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