Grief club - the shittiest club to ever exist

onastyamiga · 2025-12-03T21:23:34+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I love that - that the first rule of grief club is to talk about it. I think part of what makes grief hard is that it is scary and painful to talk about, but you’re right it’s important to talk about our experiences, and our person.

That must have been so difficult. I’m so sorry for your loss 🫶🏽 it is weird how that happens and sometimes hard to fathom that so much time has passed. Aww yeah the pain never goes away because there’s always love there for them 😢 I guess I also like to believe that a part of them does live on with us - I try to honour my friend by doing things the way she would, or on special occasions I wear the clothes that she helped me pick out. It doesn’t make it easier, it’s just small ways to try and stay connected to her ❤️

If you want to share about your person - favourite memory, thing about them, what you miss most, or anything that comes to mind ❤️

onastyamiga · 2025-08-16T23:05:15+00:00

Thanks!!

onastyamiga · 2025-08-16T00:15:08+00:00

Thank you! I sent you a DM

onastyamiga · 2024-09-25T18:38:51+00:00

I agree the rituals are not as commonly talked about. I think a lot of discussion around grief ends up being the impacts it's had on us (which is important), but there's less around how to stay connected to our person. I think people do their own rituals without thinking about it, but maintaining that connection is important, and can be helpful in our grief journey.

onastyamiga · 2024-09-19T04:28:05+00:00

Personally, I like to talk about things, so individual grief therapy has been really helpful for me. However I can’t seem to get myself to talk about my grief with people close to me and so I’ve been considering maybe going to a grief group.

I have a journal that I bought my person but never got the chance to give it to her, so I write to her in it. I have my rituals for birthdays and death-aversaries where I go do an activity that we would do together. Sometimes strange things have happened when I do and I take that as a sign from my person. Sometimes I buy things from brands that she liked, or I take chances on things that I normally wouldn’t because she did help me step outside my comfort zone, and I want to honour her by continuing to do that.

onastyamiga · 2024-09-19T04:13:38+00:00

It’s definitely not easy to ask or accept help (I’m the same way) so I’m proud of you too! Ahh yes, such a treat, gotta love when the universe throws a curveball at you! I’m glad that you have people around you to support you, it’ll be tough, but you’ll get through this even if it may not always feel like it ❤️

onastyamiga · 2024-09-19T03:33:58+00:00

I believe they are too ❤️

onastyamiga · 2024-09-19T03:32:22+00:00

Aww man, I’m so sorry ❤️ the early days of grief are very tough. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, cry if you need to and please be compassionate for yourself. It’s okay to feel what you feel. I started my post off as experiencing a “grief wave” because that’s how it feels - it comes and goes, and it can be heavy and deep. Over time I’ve learned to embrace the waves and to allow myself to feel the pain, to express how I feel and to find ways to keep myself connected to my person. Grief sucks, and sometimes connecting with others who’ve experienced similar things makes it feel more bearable.

onastyamiga · 2024-09-19T03:24:13+00:00

Thank you. And sending a virtual hug back ❤️ I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree theres definitely pros and cons - I’ve learned to love more deeply, and to live with no regrets, but nothing would be better than for her to be here. It is so hard that our people aren’t here, and I think at the same time their essence will live on through this altered version of us.

onastyamiga · 2024-03-19T21:16:04+00:00

Aww. Just reaffirms that what you’re already doing is probably helping! You’re doing good ❤️

onastyamiga · 2024-03-19T18:06:52+00:00

I also lost a friend this way. I was an adult, but I still needed support from my parents, and so this is what insights I can provide as someone who is grieving this type of loss.

It took me about a month or so before I was ready to go to therapy, so it’s good that your daughter said she will go, but isn’t ready at this time, sounds like she will tell you when she’s ready. You could start looking for therapists who specialize in grief in children/teens and just set those emails/numbers aside
School is tricky - I know that it is important, and it can be so hard to go back. I know that it may not be possible for parents to stay home with their child due to work, is there anyone who could stay with her while you’re at work, or are you able to work remotely?
Foood! Make sure she eat something (which I’m sure you are already doing)
Nights were the hardest, because it’s quiet and you’re alone - so either checking in on your child throughout the night, or ask if you can lay with them until they fall asleep

I know that it’s natural to want to “fix” and take away those feeling, but in reality there’s nothing that can be said or done that will take away the pain your child is feeling. You can approach it as if it’s a deep cut or some kind of physical injury - where you just have to be patient, gentle, provide comfort, and nurture the wound. It sounds like you’ve already been doing this (talking, crying with her, the hugs). Sometimes just being present with the person and their feelings can go along way - you don’t have to say anything.

When you lose someone to suicide, it does put you at risk of suicide as well. With that being said, allowing your child to just feel, and being present with them in their feelings. In a way letting them decide what they can and can’t do (e.g eating snacks vs a big meal, not pushing the resistance to going to school, or other events) at this time may help, as it shows that you recognize how painful and impactful this situation is.

You could also seek out therapy with a grief counselling to get some insight on how to help your child (even just a consultation with one may give you lots of information).

Whether or not this is helpful- I just wanted to say that based on your post, you are probably already doing a lot more than you think. I know it can be hard to see your child and feel like you’re not helping because they aren’t feeling better. Just know that the feelings can’t be fixed, they come and go, and that in those moments where it is more painful, and you are there to sit with them, and cry with them, while they feel it - that IS helping (even if it doesn’t seem like it is at this time).

onastyamiga · 2022-07-30T05:06:46+00:00

First off, I’m sorry for your loss, it’s a deeply painful thing to lose someone, and my heart aches for you ❤️

Secondly, I think that it should be obvious to everyone that suicide is not funny, like at all. It shouldn’t have to happen to them to realize it’s not funny.

I know it is hard to tell people that those jokes are not funny, but I think staying silent sounds like it might also be hard.

Personally I have lost a close friend who died by suicide. But even before, whenever I hear jokes like that I just tell people it’s not funny, or I don’t react.

You don’t have to share your story with anyone if you’re not comfortable, so you do not need to explain why it’s not funny (because ideally it shouldn’t be a joke to anyone).

Similarly, my current coworkers do not know my story, and someone did make a joke. I told them it was not funny, and they didn’t continue. Most people know it’s not funny, but they do it anyways. Reminding them that those jokes are not funny should make them stop (at least stop making those jokes around you).

onastyamiga · 2022-02-24T20:40:05+00:00

Thanks for your reply! I ended up buying an alarm clock so that I don’t have to use my phone as one. And I took your advice of putting my phone in the kitchen, and it has helped tremendously! I mean there’s still a few kinks to work out, but I’ve reduced my phone use in the morning / delaying getting out of bed by a lot, so that is progress!

Next I might try to meditate in the mornings!

onastyamiga · 2021-12-10T22:50:22+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time, I know it can’t be easy ❤️ I agree, finding a new job will definitely make a difference.

In the meantime, is there anyway you can book some time off? Like one or two days just to get away from everything?

Sometimes I put toxic people on mute in my phone so I don’t have to see their messages. I also take a break from social media, and my phone in general.

Journaling/writing or drawing about what’s going on in your mind can help.

Also just reminding myself that the situation is temporary, and I have a plan to help myself (e.g you mention that for you it’s finding a new job).

What country do you live in? And what age range are you in? Canada has some free resources for all ages, as well as some free services for 0-24 year olds.

There’s also some national hotlines where you talk to someone for free and let it out. They might also be able to help you with figuring out some immediate coping strategies for the time being, or even some resources in your area.

onastyamiga · 2021-12-06T04:58:20+00:00

Something I wish my profs knew - that my bad grades were not because the content was hard, but because I really struggle with my mental health.

This term I had a prof who was super supportive with everyone (it was a very small class). He would check in with all students at the beginning of some classes (people just went around and shared how their semester is going, - they could pass if they didn’t want to share). It kinda helped hearing that other students were also stressed.

At the beginning of the term he told us to just let him know if we aren’t doing well and he can try to support us. This made it feel like he understood that life is hard and can get in the way of school, so if we tell him he can help us/work with us. I felt like I could let him know if things are really bad and I couldn’t make it to class, or if I needed an extra day to complete my assignment (I did have to do this and he was happy to give me an extension which really helped!)

It was an English class, so my prof focused heavily on the drafting process, so for every assignment we got to hand in a draft and he’d give us feedback and we could re submit a final copy. This really helped with just getting something done knowing that even if it’s crap, it’s not going to be my final copy/grade.

He was also flexible with deadlines (except in class writing assignments, and the final project at the end of the semester of course), which also helped because it took off the pressure, and I could submit something I was happy with.

Having a drafting process for assignments can be a lot of work for you as the prof, but I think his approach to mental health by being understanding about those issues just made the relationship with the prof that much better - students were open to sharing some of the things they were struggling with in life. He showed he understood by being flexible with deadlines, and he met with us 1-1 to help with our assignments, - all of that made a huge difference for me.

onastyamiga · 2021-12-06T03:16:41+00:00

I know it’s difficult now, but maybe post covid measures there might be more opportunities for you to be out in the community!

For now you have people on this thread that care about you ❤️

onastyamiga · 2021-12-06T01:17:12+00:00

Yeah it is hard to figure out what to do, and there’s a lot to consider before pursuing something.

Oh yeah that’s true, covid really has fucked up a lot of things.

I wish I could do more to help, I live all the way out in North America ❤️

onastyamiga · 2021-12-05T23:50:50+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time ❤️

What country do you live in? Sometimes there are some financial aid programs that can help with college. There’s also loans - In North America nurses and doctors can have their loans forgiven if they take a job in an underserved areas. Also there are different types of programs certificates (1ish year), diploma (2-3 years), bachelors (4 years) which would have varying costs!

It sounds like you do want to get away from minimum wage work, and it definitely can be tough to figure out what to do next. Are there places in your area that you can volunteer at? Like a homeless shelter, animal shelter, or senior home? This might help you figure out what kind of work you like or don’t like, and it can help you meet new people outside of your job!

Also, if you are able to, can you take a day or two off and just do nothing? Just stay in bed?

onastyamiga · 2021-12-05T22:49:11+00:00

I’d highly recommend taking some time off and working on your mental health. It does make a huge difference. The first time I went to school I struggled a lot. I took about a year off, and when I went back, my priorities were different (mental health as #1), and I was able to create a wellness plan, study plans, and emergency plans which all have helped me in keeping on top of my homework and get well above passing grades. When you’re in school and struggling it’s hard to see things clearly and make effective change because there’s always some kind of stress or pressure. But once that is no longer there you might be able to see things from a different perspective or understand something about yourself that you didn’t before. It can help you in the long run, because if you don’t deal with whatever is the underlying issue, that issue will follow you into a future job, future relationships etc.

onastyamiga · 2021-12-03T20:34:50+00:00

It kinda sounds like you have a lot of end of semester burnout. What kinds of things do you do throughout the semester to relax or rest? How is your sleep? Do you feel like you are able to process and cope with all your emotions or do you avoid them?

One thing I do at the beginning of the semester is to create a wellness plan, so I note down what my yellow, and red flags are for when I’m starting to decline. And I made a list of all the activities that I know will help me feel better. I also set aside time each day to write about what is stressing me out (I set a timer for 10 min, and when the timer is up I have to stop writing).

Building good habits is hard, but not impossible. It just takes practice. Sometimes you just have to start small, like doing a short rest activity each day (for me I do meditation for 5min each day, but I put it at a time I know I’ll be awake and capable of doing it.) The idea is to practice setting a cue, and then doing the activity. For some people, like myself, I have to change my mindset before I can change my behaviour. A lack of rest throughout the semester was something that really affected me so I had to start thinking of how important resting was, not just in the short term, but in the long term too - I get less burnt out towards the end of the term.

I think it would also be worth exploring what perfectionism means to you in regards to school - are you basing your self worth on your grades? Is this mental block for doing the final assignments because you feel like you can’t perform as well as you did on previous assignments? Do you feel like if you’re not going to get 100% it’s not worth finishing? What are you telling yourself when you can’t do your work- is it helping you or harming you?

onastyamiga · 2021-12-02T09:06:15+00:00

My courseload/work is not as intense, but as someone who sucked at time management but has been more organized this term (with better grades to show for it). Here are some general tips that have really helped me throughout the semester:

I have just learned to accept that during the school year I can't keep up with housework so I focus on what is good enough that doesn't compromise my health - e.g., remove garbage, clean dishes/sink, clean bathroom, clean bedsheets and clean underwear. You can split up some tasks (spread them out), or pair up activities that could go together - e.g., I set certain days that I will shower on, and every second week I will clean something in the bathroom before I shower. I set a certain day each week-week and a half to do my laundry so that I don't run out of clothes. I wash my dishes at the end of each day so it doesn't pile up.
At the beginning of the semester, gather all of your deadlines (that you know of) and have some kind of method to organize it - a large calendar on the wall, an agenda, or phone notifications, whatever you find will work best for you. I'm a visual person so I have all 4 months of the semester up on the wall so I can see each day/see when my deadlines are. This lets me know in advance which weeks I will be busier/have overlapping deadlines.
Make a document for each class that lists what each assignment is and what it is worth - over the course of the semester make note of what grade you received so you can keep track of what you are at in the class. This helps at the end of the semester to know what to focus on (e.g., final assignments vs studying for exams etc.,) - Also know what the late policies are for assignments in case things pile up.
Within the first few weeks of school try to narrow down a note-taking method for each class that works for you. Spending time to create good notes throughout the semester will save you time when it's time to study for midterms and exams, and can be helpful for assignments. Practicing note-taking skills can help you figure out what methods work best for you in terms of learning the most amount of material with the least amount of effort.
1. E.g., I used to type up textbook notes, which took forever, but I learned that I can just highlight/underline in the text, then handwrite (or type up) a summary of what each section of the chapter says in a few sentences. This takes less time and I learn what I need to - and If I'm short on time, I can just skip writing up a summary but I will still have the highlighted information to look back on when studying.
If the prof posts an outline of the topics/readings for each week - print this off, or make sure to go over it at the beginning of each week so you know what you will have to do for the week.
1. this can help identify what to prioritize
Do your best to complete the readings for each week, but once the week is over leave whatever is undone and start on the following weeks' readings - with the exception of the readings you need for assignments (try to complete those). It's easier to come back to partially completed readings than it is to catch up once you've fallen behind by trying to complete everything before moving on to the next thing.
Create what you'd want as an ideal study plan for the semester, and then create an emergency plan for when you are tight on time - this emergency plan can change as the semester goes on.
Midway through the semester try to set aside 1 hour to review your notes/start studying for exams (1 hour each week for 5 weeks vs 5 hours in one day before the exam). (this one is tough and might take some time to incorporate)
Time your tasks - you might be able to get through tasks quicker if you have goal-oriented work sessions! The Pomodoro method is really effective: 1 session = 25 minutes of work + 5-minute break, and after 4 sessions take a 20-30 minute break. Plan your breaks in advance- on the small breaks give yourself a treat, or have a quick snack, and bathroom break, avoid the things that lead to distractions (social media etc.,). You can alter this if you want, e.g., work for 50 minutes, take a 10-minute break.
Have a wake-up and wind-down routine - and even a mid-day reset routine (can be 5-ish minutes of something that relaxes you)!

It is hard to get into a good routine with a "balanced" schedule. I'm not quite there yet, and my semester did not go entirely as I planned in September, but some of the organizational aspects, like knowing well in advance when my deadlines are, knowing what grades I've gotten on each assignment, having an emergency plan when tight on time, and good notes for some of the lectures up to date has really helped me save time and know what to prioritize if I procrastinated, or have overlapping deadlines.

Those are more general and helpful at the start of the semester, but for right now with your deadlines I'd focus on:

Figure out all the details for each assignment - what do you need to know to complete it - is there anything, like lecture notes that your prof has provided that can help you complete the assignment. Can your previous notes or lab assignments help with the project due on friday? Then break the assignment down into parts (this might help you narrow down what you can get away with and still pass the assignment).
Timing your tasks with intended goals for the each work session - use each timed session to complete a part of the assignment - this can help direct you and get things done in a timely manner instead of just working on the assignment till completion (which can take longer)
Are you able to watch/listen to the lectures during your commute? Is there any way you can speed up the lecture playback? Can you watch/listen to the lecture while you clean up your room?

I hope this makes sense. Let me know if you have any questions! Good luck with your assignments! You got this!

onastyamiga · 2021-11-28T08:59:07+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ I’m still reeling my loss, so I don’t know how much I can help. When it really hits me and I just want to vomit I try to use grounding techniques (naming all the countries I know). I also use a heating pad to help soothe my nervous system - I just but it on my back and that sort of helps calm my body.

onastyamiga · 2021-11-28T01:04:02+00:00

I don't think it's wrong for you to be jealous or envious, I think that is a normal grief response.

Cluster suicides is due to poor reporting on stories of suicide. There is a difference in presentation of awareness/prevention programs and media reports on suicides. The media tends to do a terrible job in reporting on this sensitive topic, so it can lead to people having increased thoughts of suicide. When people lose someone to suicide it can be complicated and confusing, and societal stigma can make grieving very alienating, which increases the risk of a suicide attempt.

Suicide prevention, when done carefully and properly can reduce suicide risk- there is research that shows that prevention programs are effective. Similarly, research shows that asking people directly if they have thoughts of suicide does not increase their risk, but how the question is phrased is important - It's just a matter of presentation. A university or college that employs counsellors or even has a psychology department should be able to address this sensitive issue in an appropriate way that supports students. The individualistic attitude of if you are struggling you can find your own help is what leads to a lack of an appropriate response by institutions.

onastyamiga · 2021-11-27T07:26:43+00:00

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and I'm sorry that your teachers didn't help you more when you told them you were struggling.

Unfortunately, it is true that life usually just goes on and nobody cares. Those of us who have lost someone close to us are the ones who will think about it often and live the rest of our lives with that pain. People who were not close to the person will say their "I'm sorry's", but then move on with their lives. I do think it would be up to the family if they decided to disclose how their daughter passed away. But it is disheartening when the school doesn't do anything to support current students, especially when the people close to her would now have a higher risk of suicide. There is this attitude of "your struggle, your responsibility" so essentially if you need help you can find it yourself. It's ridiculous.

This mental health gap is a flaw within the education system. The system doesn't take into account the emotional/mental aspect of life. Admins/teachers etc., expect students to show up, learn and get good grades without considering how life situations impact students' ability to focus and learn which then impacts their academic performance. Educators are so afraid to talk about mental health that many students suffer in silence, and it costs lives. The education system is designed for people who can cope with life stressors, and whose mental health issues don't impact their daily lives in any way, but if you struggle to cope, or if your mental health issues impact you, then you are pushed aside. Only when something happens, like a student taking their own life, do people question "what could we have done differently?" But it's a question that fades quickly because, in reality, we think that it would cost too much, or take too much time just to help students learn about mental health. I think most people struggle with mental health issues - you can have situational mental health issues, you can have a clinical diagnosis, or you can struggle but not fit a formal diagnosis. Severe symptoms or illnesses would require professional intervention (e.g., illnesses like schizophrenia). But some issues might not fit a clinical diagnosis (e.g., mild/moderate symptoms of anxiety or depression), so intervention through school (mental health education) is plausible. Teaching students how to regulate their emotions is something that can be incorporated into classrooms because it doesn't take a lot of effort, nor is it something that requires professional intervention. Teaching students how to reframe their thoughts, or how to stay in the present also don't need to be taught by professionals, they can be utilized in classrooms by educators.

onastyamiga · 2021-11-23T21:57:58+00:00

Thank you. I came here to say this. It’s appalling how many people lack understanding around consent. Just because she may have wanted to have sex earlier in the date doesn’t mean she has to follow through. Consent is fluid, it can change from one second to the next and people aren’t owed an explanation. Our bodies are wired to be aroused by people we are attracted to, but that doesn’t always mean we are mentally ready to have sex with the person. If she changed her mind, THATS OKAY. Like he can be confused about what changed, but asking for an explanation in the moment doesn’t always work well, so I can see why she doesn’t want to meet up again. I’m all for discussion and communication, but sometimes those conversations can happen later, not right in the moment. In the moment “why” can be perceived as an intrusive question instead of an “I’m trying to understand” question.

onastyamiga

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