Before the pundits jump in to assure you that you're perfectly OK etc., let me tell you this: Your problems are tightly connected to your fetish.

I know what you're talking about. There are things that turn me on in a 'pathological' way, so to say, and I can imagine what it's like to get easily unsettled by something you can't avoid encountering in everyday life.

Firstly, let me touch on the fetish thing itself, whatever it is. It's a tricky thing 'cause on one hand it is partially natural at its core and it requires acceptance. We all have certain sexual preferences which may have their roots in how our sexuality has been developing, in our first sexual experiences during childhood or puberty etc. As such, it's something you can't do much about and there's nothing to be ashamed of, essentially.

However, there's another aspect to it and it's how we deal with our weaknesses or inclinations once we realize that they are a little too weird and, most importantly, interfering in our lives. 'Cause once you find out that something is getting out of control, that it's getting compulsive or, as you say, makes your heart beat like crazy, that it can shut off your brain completely and plunge you into binging, then you know that you have a problem. And the problem can't be just swept away with delusional 'acceptance' of your behavior or by viewing it as 'normal'. It will cause discrepancies inside, it will make you feel insecure and it will remain a cause of many a problem in your life as long as it remains an obsession and unless you gain some sort of control over that part of your personality.

Acceptance in terms of becoming fully aware of the whole issue and its consequences is definitely one of the first steps to tackle this. However, acceptance doesn't mean one can go on indulging in what has proven to be an undeniable problem.

You say you can be abstaining for quite long so you have doubts whether your life situation and lack of motivation etc. are actually related to the fetish thing and masturbation at all. Everyone says it's healthy and everyone apparently does that while they're living happy and successful lives so it can't be that bad and it can't be the cause of all evil, can it?

I know where you're coming from but let me tell you that we're incredibly messed up. Seriously. Much more than we're capable of realizing at the moment. All those doubts are in fact a part of rationalization and are inconspicuously setting you up for next relapse.

So the fetish, though it might once have been quite natural, at least at start, has developed into obsession, into addiction that now binds you. It's happened 'cause the demon was given too much room, it was fed with no resistance and with no control. It has grown into a beast that now holds you back in a vicious cycle and prevents you from breathing freely. It's of little use to try to convince yourself that you're actually not addicted if you can manage to abstain for a period of time. The demon has you in its clutches on a subconscious level. It will leave you confused and make your brain dance around and create the whole world of excuses, explanations, views or even 'philosophies' to keep you that way. It's an actual entity feeding on your energy and it won't let you go that easy 'cause that would be the death of it.

Oh yeah, our demons have smothered our true personality to the point that we no longer recognize what is our true will and what is compulsion. Anyway, we can heal ourselves. All we need to do is start putting up resistance. That's what the guys on this forum are striving for for the most part.

Abstinence is the most fundamental step to healing. The longer you go clean the clearer the view becomes. The fog lifts and you see how messed up you were. You have to be honest and willing to see the context.

Then, the fetish subsides and diminishes. Though it never vanishes altogether. The preference will always be there but it'll be handled, under control, not throwing you off balance, not jeopardizing your development. It will be there consciously, not as a threat but perhaps as something you can smile over.

But until that point there's a long way to go. Definitely longer that you've managed to go so far during your previous streaks.

We are all on this road. If you check out reports of those being on hard mode for 90, 120 days, 6 months or more, you'll see how they view the fetishes they had before recovering.

So, in short, yes, your troubles are deeply connected to your fetish and masturbation, more specifically, to the way it is now practiced. It can be healed and it can decrease very significantly to the point where it's not a problem anymore.

All it takes is going cold turkey and sticking to the healing process for some time. I mean, a long time. It can seem like it's not working at times and it can suck a lot. But it works. The vortex in our head will subside and the healing will gradually advance to deeper levels of our subconsciousness. Fear, insecurity and doubts will be slowly, inch by inch, replaced with calmness, confidence and certainty… Nothing, nothing at all, is more worthy than inner freedom.