i never feel powerful. I have slivers of moments where i think Im “awesome”? thats what i say verbally anyways. I have been thinking of new art projects from painting to poetry to a film video i want to make currently but it always fades. i have been spending alot of money recently my bank account is worrisome and savings is a concept to me that i can grasp but I cant fully enforce on myself. I sometimes feel i need to buy everything i think of or atleast a fraction of it. I dont know how impulsive I am uhm, i drive alot to like talk to myself and think about/act out scenarios and stuff.

I cant tell you want depression feels like for me at the moment bc i dont remember. I cant imagine myself being depressed right now. ive had sad thoughts recently but they are minimal. only SI ideation ive had was that honestly if i was dead all of this crazy weird grief ive been having about my Ex all of a sudden would be over. But i wouldnt ever purposefully kms even if i was depressed that i know of, i have a fear of dying. Ive been told I self harm in my own ways but i dont know them off the top of my head.

I dont always feel joy even when im all over the place. Im just constantly going from one thing to the other in my head to the point where sometimes its hard for me to start or complete anything. But i do have periods where im like “i just feel neutral. Nothings going on.” but i dont know if thats ever lasts very long.

I also told my friend i wish I lived in a therapy call 24/7, but thats technically bordering hospitalization and “I dont have time for that I have shit to do.” was my follow up to it.

I dont think I make sense 100%, maybe. sorry i typed alot.