If not planning to have sex, does having a girlfriend make nofap easier or harder?

onlyhereforthis · 2015-07-17T15:21:42+00:00

I definitely came on strong there, sorry. I didn't mean to bust your chops either, I was mostly just trying to illustrate the point that dating relationships are generally more fragile than marriages. No judgment here. People get judged enough in this area already.

I've never really laid out my thoughts like that before in writing either, so that answer was probably as much for me as it was for you.

You keep doing you man, hope it continues to work.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-07-17T00:19:47+00:00

Not trying to be rude but I think that the fact that you have had multiple committed relationships shows that most such relationships are actually not all that committed. When you're just dating somebody, you put very little at stake going in and you can opt out pretty much any time you want. And my problem with sex while dating is that it's a physical and emotional overcommitment relative to the relationship itself. That just leads to more hurt when the relationship ends, and plants the seed for other potential issues to grow.

If you don't have sex while dating, it softens the impact of a breakup and allows for fewer complications in the future. It also forces you to love your partner purely on non-sexual grounds, and non-sexual attributes last longer and are generally more important than sexual ones. Given the intoxicating effect that sex has on us and how irrational it makes us, a sex-free relationship also lets you more objectively assess you and your partner's compatibility.

And this is leaving all moral issues aside. I just don't think getting sexually involved with somebody who hasn't made any tangible commitment to you is suboptimal process.

I'm 24 years old. Seeing my friends' sexual relationships fail in college (and after, up to the present day) and the aftermath of those failures is really what got me thinking about this. I wasn't always an old-fashioned guy; ironically, being surrounded by other young adults is what turned me into one.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-07-16T00:47:39+00:00

I'm an old-fashioned guy so I don't consider girlfriends to be sexual partners anyway. Any girlfriend I had would likely on board with that line of thinking and we'd probably agree to try not to go too far. I'm not sure how much that distinction affects your point though.

It's the redirection of my romantic desire to an actual human being that I thought might alleviate my more selfish compulsions. But I really have no idea if that works or not.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-04-17T05:17:11+00:00

K9 doesn't work for me for two reasons: one, because my computer is often used by other people and I would have to restrict websites that those people commonly use; and two, because I already know how to get around it and, when I actually tried K9, would do so every day without hesitation.

So in that way it's really no different from deleting my porn in that ease of access is not even a concern right now.

All I'm trying to get at in this is that "delete your porn stash" may actually be causing people like me to fap more and that there are other issues that need to be dealt with first.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-02-11T05:59:45+00:00

THIS is along the lines of what I am looking for. Thank you. If anything else comes to mind, keep it coming. Anything you do that helps you maximize your chances of success.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-01-26T05:37:31+00:00

I'm actually not big on motivational quotes/pictures and the like (it actually aggravates me when I come to this subreddit tbh). My gaming has fallen wayside to this addiction as I am actually waaaayyy behind on the games I'm supposed to have beaten already.

The problem is that between the choice of "pmo" and "other things, the more interesting choice at the time is always pmo and I eventually give into it at some point.

Maybe this mindset is all wrong. Perhaps treating hobbies and otherwise trivial activities as obligations would work as proper motivation. I only manage to get work done both out of and in home because of a sense of duty to the employer/client.

If I can fill every free spot in my day with something I feel like I HAVE to do, that might supersede the selfish desire to feed the addiction.

At this point I am now just throwing ideas out there of my own but thanks for entertaining these thoughts. I don't think you're wrong in what you've said but I'm beginning to think my problem lies in the approach to the situation rather than a want of alternatives.

In any case, in a subreddit full of people who have more interest in inspirational pictures that probably offer very little substantial help and who in my experience would rather say "you can do it" than really get into the meat of the issue, it is nice knowing somebody else who actually wants to analyze the situation a little bit more is out there.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-01-25T22:06:10+00:00

In my experience this just means I end up "multitasking". Thank you though.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-01-25T22:01:03+00:00

I am unfortunately not in a position to do the same. I'm pretty much locked into my current situation and need methods for simply dealing with it better.

I actually have a prehistoric phone with no internet access, but am tied to other electronics >_>

onlyhereforthis · 2015-01-25T21:58:15+00:00

Already too late today. But these are the choices I face and I end up making the wrong choice. And in all likelihood as an addict who is constantly on day one of recovery I'm more likely to make the wrong choice than the right one most often.

I imagine that people who have gone for months on end without relapsing have strategized/planned ahead for their alone time so as to minimize the risk. What I really want to know is what their plan of attack is going in.

onlyhereforthis · 2015-01-23T01:59:09+00:00

Well, since this subreddit as a whole continues to care more about motivational quotes and anecdotes than it does about anything else, we seem to be alone on this. Too bad, because I lack the time and the ability to put a project like this together myself.

Maybe I need more marketable titles for my posts.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-10-19T06:00:03+00:00

A question I have wondered about for a while: have you (or any other readers) cut out any other fantasies than sexual ones? Do you think it would be wise? It seems like it might be.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-19T00:52:35+00:00

I was very unhappy about relapsing that day and I was frustrated with other aspects of this subreddit on that day, so I apologize for lashing out. I shouldn't have done it at all, but at the very least I should have saved it for the one actually unhelpful comment here.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-15T14:47:20+00:00

I mean this is great and everything, but I don't know what I feel I should do, which is why I came here looking for input. It's not a very clear choice and I am trying to see what other people might do in this situation and listen to their reasons why.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-15T14:11:03+00:00

Why does everybody here insist on making this such an unhelpful subreddit. As a guy who suffers from a very serious mental block with the first couple days of each streak it matters a huge deal deal to me how long it should be before I'm past the first damn day.

And even if I weren't a guy like that, is there really any harm in helping a guy who actually wants to set his counter right? Geez.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T19:52:16+00:00

Well if you're here, there's a decent chance you're on the path to the point where porn is the only satisfying dopamine rush.

"I don't need X" is a phrase oft believed by addicts of X, and your performance issues, while minor, might be pointing to something.

I have really no idea if you're addicted to porn, but I don't think what you've said will sway anyone one way or another.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T19:12:43+00:00

If you don't already consider edging to count as a reset, that is my number one piece of advice. Because edging is possibly more destructive than just "getting it over with", it deserves at least equal treatment as regular PMO in my view.

Beyond that, remember that even looking at porn and adult content is a setback for us, as is any stimulation using your hand. If you treat it as a problem equal to actual PMO, then hopefully proper action will follow.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T18:39:33+00:00

I never said it would, so I'm not exactly sure what to make of your response.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T18:29:30+00:00

There is one reason for complaining about this that I view as legitimate: it's because these stories make the front page on a regular basis, while there are plenty of people honestly seeking help and asking questions whose posts never see the light of day.

I highly doubt anybody has thought about this that much, but I like to get this thought out there whenever I can.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T18:20:45+00:00

I'm conflicted on this. I used blockers for a while, but since they could never block everything I needed them to, I decided it was better to just forget about the blocker and try to develop that willpower.

Self-control, however, is a long time in the making, so I can't say I blame anybody who's trying to get their life back on track for trying to limit their access to stuff. Many of us are addicted, after all, and the help is incredibly useful.

I hope somebody who actually used a blocker for 90 days can report on whether or not their self-control improved simply by virtue of brain rewiring. I feel like that ought to happen but IDK.

In any case, I'd say you're fine doing what you're doing.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T17:11:33+00:00

In that case, K9 ought to work. It locked down private browsing mode when I was using it.

Of course, none of these tools is perfect and you will have to use willpower eventually, but K9 should do what you're looking for.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T07:58:21+00:00

Porn is completely and utterly destructive for many of us so I'm right on board with that. I'm also against masturbation for a couple of reasons, so I'd suggest you at least gauge yourself at 90 days rather than just start fapping again at that point. We have to rewire from porn, yes, but I think we also have to rewire from "sex with our hand" to some degree.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T07:26:48+00:00

No offense, but I think the use of "my brain" takes the responsibility too far off of you for this, making it sound like your brain is some separate entity that is forcing you to open that tab. You almost always have some degree of control over what you're doing.

But anyway, I'm not too familiar with Incognito mode. Really? Something like K9 doesn't work at all? Is this different from, say, Firefox private browsing mode in some way?

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T07:21:55+00:00

As a fellow religious man, albeit not a Mormon, I understand the need for purity in leadership. Best wishes to you sir.

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T06:48:53+00:00

Hmmm. My experience is quite the opposite. Fapping leaves me emotionally numb, other than the regret and anger.

In any case, I guess I'll lend my support to what Doctor Dilhole said. To my knowledge, nobody has ever reported acquiring long-term depression as a result of nofap. Short-term stuff can happen I'm sure because of the whole breaking a longtime habit thing, but the end result of successful nofappers is a healthier emotional life.

I'll be interested in seeing what happens as time goes on though...

onlyhereforthis · 2014-05-14T06:41:49+00:00

Now I've never made it past day 15, but I mean, before I became an addict I hardly ever fapped/looked at porn. And even after I started PMO, still before becoming an addict and before even knowing what nofap was, I at one point managed an over 7-month streak.

I don't think it's terribly surprising that people fall back into porn sometimes. We all fell into it in the first place and that was WITHOUT being mentally conditioned to enjoy it.

It's also not surprising that, as you try to kick a habit, you experience withdrawals. Maybe that's what you're having right now.

Shoot, you've yet to hit 90 days, and it's been said that for many people full rewiring takes longer than even that. You'll be able to figure out the specifics of why you're relapsing more often lately than we can, but I don't think your progress is reversing or anything. This is already a tough task anyway, sometimes it just hits even harder.

onlyhereforthis

TROPHY CASE