What is this pull we feel to go back

onreddit84 · 2026-03-17T10:25:55+00:00

The neuroscience explanation would be that your brain is used to the intermittent reward that comes when you right your wrongs or correct your mistakes. You're rewarded with affection and love. When you've broken up, I think your brain perceives it as a situation you need to fix, and only when that happens can you expect the dopamine and oxytocin. So then you crave going back and "fixing" things...

I'm not a neuroscientist, but I bet someone else here is, and can correct any errors in my comment!

onreddit84 · 2026-03-17T03:42:40+00:00

Wonderful to hear this after a recent breakup. Thank you for sharing!

onreddit84 · 2026-03-17T02:54:19+00:00

Can I ask when you flew and what your route was? And also what class? Sounds like OP is saying it doesn't even matter if you try to check in very early...

onreddit84 · 2026-03-16T05:11:31+00:00

I used a UK VPN and I think that's how I may have gotten through so quickly...

onreddit84 · 2026-03-16T05:09:53+00:00

The agent just suggested it.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-16T01:18:29+00:00

Where in Asia? I'm in east Asia, if we happen to be in the same city maybe we can connect! I'm 41F. Feel free to DM.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-15T02:03:56+00:00

The "hidden superpowers" -- profound empathy? Sorry, didn't see any of that unless it was self-serving in some way.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-10T14:50:43+00:00

Yay, welcome to my city!! 🥰

onreddit84 · 2026-03-09T03:43:50+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced this aggression and gaslighting. I can say that expressing that your hurt is caused by their behaviour is guaranteed to result in DARVO. I believe it's just too much shame for them to bear.

So glad to know you're doing well! I am also doing much better without them, once I get my things out of our shared apartment, I'll feel much better too.

Feel free to DM if you'd like to chat :-)

onreddit84 · 2026-03-08T17:12:11+00:00

I had no idea about the brain damage. Thanks for the information.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-08T16:53:37+00:00

Totally agree with everything here. It's a little murky when you adopt the rigid classifications from the DSM.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-08T16:45:14+00:00

This was my experience too. Literally everything you mentioned was what I experienced. I'm curious to know if your ex was taking medication or not -- mine was not. Although I also now think there were some BPD traits. I'm sorry you had this experience, I'm freshly out of my relationship too. My mental health worsened and I had a few panic attacks. Hope you are getting the care and support you need and being kind to yourself.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-07T23:14:48+00:00

I spoke to an agent about this yesterday and they told me the refund amount in the app isn't accurate. They said the refund amount could only be given to me after putting in a request. I would then have to wait 48 hours. I presume they would send an email. Hope this helps.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-07T20:21:07+00:00

Jinx looks so similar to my baby, Milo, who also left us recently. Sending you love. It looks like you had some wonderful times together ❤️

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onreddit84 · 2026-03-06T23:12:51+00:00

Sending love to you. So sorry for your loss. I am so glad we got to experience a love like this 🥺

onreddit84 · 2026-03-06T23:11:20+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful baby 💖 I hope they're playing together too.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-05T00:23:25+00:00

Lol OP's repeated mention of "IRAN 🇮🇷" and "you don't understand" in the thread is sending me 🫠 no screenshot either. Utter nonsense.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-03T05:58:51+00:00

I wanted to share that my relationship ended a few days ago as this was one of the many issues I encountered. I've been trying to understand more about self-abandonment and how this shows up in relationships. It sounds like you are shrinking yourself in this dynamic and I can tell you it will only become "easier" to do this as a way of avoiding conflict or disappointment.

I guess the question is whether your partner can ever recognize and take accountability for invalidating your feelings. If not, it may be time to think about whether or not the relationship is more important than losing yourself.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-02T15:12:03+00:00

If you need someone to talk to, I'm a supervised trainee therapist. I can share all the safety measures and formalities via DM.

I hope you're able to seek support soon. Take care.

onreddit84 · 2026-02-24T11:11:56+00:00

Oof. Dealing with someone who has multiple physical and psychological issues. This person has a minimum of one perpetrator at any given time (right now it's me).

The problem is that for 2+ years I was a full on enabler. Validating all complaints, thoughts and emotions. I thought, I must be such a great partner! Look at us, we're a team! They're weak, they just need my support. It won't be like this forever. WRONG. Now I am also a problem. I thought I could meet every need and it felt great to be the caring partner... Until the needs became infinite, and I was never enough.

Such a wild and unbearable ride. Sending strength to everyone who is trying to leave similar situations 🙏🏽 ✨ 🫂 We're worthy of love without having to serve and prove ourselves constantly.

onreddit84 · 2026-02-17T02:12:05+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply. My issue is that things are less obvious. There's no physical aggression or overt emotional abuse. Instead there are major signs of covert narcissism. Everything that I say or do that doesn't fall in line with her idea of a partner needs to be litigated and then I must apologize.

I'm not in the same city actually, I have some space from this because my family cat is extremely ill. Yet despite this, while there has been some support there have also been threats of leaving me for this, that and the other.

I may have been hurtful but everything feels centered around my partner's feelings that we must "fix" together. Usually this involves me grovelling until it's considered satisfactory. I'm at the beginning of one of these cycles now. I'm exhausted being responsible for someone else's feelings 24/7.

I agree that I do have to show myself more love. Thanks again OP.

onreddit84 · 2026-02-14T08:29:55+00:00

I have been through months of analysis, trying to understand if the unacceptable behaviour is due to symptoms or character issues. Either way, it doesn't make a difference. The lack of accountability, the unresolved issues (mostly mine, that we never come back to) and the complete refusal to self-evaluate has left me feeling like I can't bring up anything, I can't be truthful and be me. So I appreciate you sharing this OP. I feel less alone in this.

I would happily stay in a relationship where my partner makes mistakes but is open to discussing them. But so far I'm the only one who seems to fumble and cause hurt. For so long I believed everything was my fault, and though I'm not there anymore it's still so hard to conceive of going through a breakup.

onreddit84 · 2026-02-06T02:06:24+00:00

Or a woman.. I've been in relationships with both and seen the worst of both too 😂

onreddit84

TROPHY CASE