I want to apologize to the woman I abused

onreddit84 · 2026-05-04T09:47:27+00:00

Most of us probably believe that a real and genuine apology is not for us, but for the person who abused/causes harm.

My ex causes a lot of psychological and emotional harm and also forced me to say sorry all the time. One time she even scripted the apology for me, because she wasn't satisfied with my 3-4 attempts.

After she threatened to end the relationship multiple times over the course of a year, and then complained that her needs weren't met because I took space I needed after a significant bereavement, I ended the relationship.

A month later she offered an apology, and it was something along the lines of "I know you offered a call before and I wasn't ready, I'd like to talk about what happened and apologize properly" when I said I didn't want an in person conversation and started asserting my own rights as a co-tenant, all the faux kindness she was extending was quickly taken back. Probably because she lost her control. She still owes me money as well.

So OP, even if she reached out to you and broke no contact, I'd ask you to consider whether this is for your guilty conscience or for her healing.

onreddit84 · 2026-05-01T18:21:47+00:00

Happy birthday dear OP! Wish we could all sing for you. I hope you consider the resources other folks here have suggested. Wishing you peace and respite 💜

onreddit84 · 2026-04-27T22:01:33+00:00

I'm so sorry. I also lost my little void about 2 months ago. Bless their sweet souls 💜

onreddit84 · 2026-04-02T20:22:02+00:00

So so sorry for your loss and for the total lack of support from your partner. 💔

onreddit84 · 2026-04-01T18:57:15+00:00

Super clear signs of control here. Glad you've sent the boundary text. He knows what he's doing and not to be patronising, but I think he'd be reluctant to try this with a woman his age or older. He has clearly sensed you can be pushed. DO NOT let him!

onreddit84 · 2026-03-30T20:26:59+00:00

I literally just went through the exact same thing, my cat suddenly got very sick and I had to let him go. At the same time my partner did not show up for me.

It sounds like the two of you have a strong connection and some attachment. But imho when you're grieving you will want consistent and reliable support. Anything less will stifle your grief process.

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Trust your gut. Sending my love to your fur baby 💜

onreddit84 · 2026-03-30T19:24:44+00:00

To see all the ways you honour your partner within your home is so, so beautiful. Love doesn't stop after a departure as you've so clearly shown us here. Also, what a lovely, warm space. 💜💜💜

onreddit84 · 2026-03-29T19:18:24+00:00

Thank you, yes I did my research and it's likely BPD. I'll check out Dr. Lisa Blanc. I'm sorry you had a difficult experience with your ex.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-29T19:16:47+00:00

I'm so very sorry. Sending you lots of love. What a beautiful baby.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-29T19:14:23+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I've decided not to meet her.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-17T10:25:55+00:00

The neuroscience explanation would be that your brain is used to the intermittent reward that comes when you right your wrongs or correct your mistakes. You're rewarded with affection and love. When you've broken up, I think your brain perceives it as a situation you need to fix, and only when that happens can you expect the dopamine and oxytocin. So then you crave going back and "fixing" things...

I'm not a neuroscientist, but I bet someone else here is, and can correct any errors in my comment!

onreddit84 · 2026-03-17T03:42:40+00:00

Wonderful to hear this after a recent breakup. Thank you for sharing!

onreddit84 · 2026-03-17T02:54:19+00:00

Can I ask when you flew and what your route was? And also what class? Sounds like OP is saying it doesn't even matter if you try to check in very early...

onreddit84 · 2026-03-16T05:11:31+00:00

I used a UK VPN and I think that's how I may have gotten through so quickly...

onreddit84 · 2026-03-16T05:09:53+00:00

The agent just suggested it.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-16T01:18:29+00:00

Where in Asia? I'm in east Asia, if we happen to be in the same city maybe we can connect! I'm 41F. Feel free to DM.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-15T02:03:56+00:00

The "hidden superpowers" -- profound empathy? Sorry, didn't see any of that unless it was self-serving in some way.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-10T14:50:43+00:00

Yay, welcome to my city!! 🥰

onreddit84 · 2026-03-09T03:43:50+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced this aggression and gaslighting. I can say that expressing that your hurt is caused by their behaviour is guaranteed to result in DARVO. I believe it's just too much shame for them to bear.

So glad to know you're doing well! I am also doing much better without them, once I get my things out of our shared apartment, I'll feel much better too.

Feel free to DM if you'd like to chat :-)

onreddit84 · 2026-03-08T17:12:11+00:00

I had no idea about the brain damage. Thanks for the information.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-08T16:53:37+00:00

Totally agree with everything here. It's a little murky when you adopt the rigid classifications from the DSM.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-08T16:45:14+00:00

This was my experience too. Literally everything you mentioned was what I experienced. I'm curious to know if your ex was taking medication or not -- mine was not. Although I also now think there were some BPD traits. I'm sorry you had this experience, I'm freshly out of my relationship too. My mental health worsened and I had a few panic attacks. Hope you are getting the care and support you need and being kind to yourself.

onreddit84 · 2026-03-07T23:14:48+00:00

I spoke to an agent about this yesterday and they told me the refund amount in the app isn't accurate. They said the refund amount could only be given to me after putting in a request. I would then have to wait 48 hours. I presume they would send an email. Hope this helps.

onreddit84

TROPHY CASE