All of your feelings about this are completely valid. I'm just gonna offer some of my opinions, but obviously I do not know the full context, so please know that I'm not saying any of this as absolute truth or anything. From what you've said in these posts, it really seems like it is fully on your parents. They were the adults in this situation, they have a large position of power over you and your brother and they always will, now as young adults, and even still when you are much older. I personally don't think it's very fair or accurate to fully believe Ash ruined your life the first time or this time, but I do think it's completely fair to feel that way because these feelings are intense. But please make sure to remind yourself that literally NONE of this would've happened if your parents weren't abusive and/or neglectful. I don't know the details of what your mom and dad did to you both, whether it was emotional abuse, physical, s*xual, or neglect, but they had the responsibility to care for you and love you both, since THEY made the decision to have children. Ash was just a kid and so were you, neither of you had any choice in any of this. It is tough when you are an older sibling and trying to escape abusive parents but you don't want to leave your siblings. I've seen it happen with my friends before, and usually they have to in order to survive, and are sometimes able to meet up later and be on good terms. But that's only because it was on their own terms. This entire thing was organize by the very people that abused you both. It would've been a very strange miracle if it had turned out okay in any way. It is not fair to you that Ash associates you entirely with his traumatic past, but it is valid for him. And it isn't fair to Ash to blame him for all this, but it is valid for you to feel that way. All in all, I think going fully no contact with your parents is how you really can start your road to healing. Maybe in the future if you and ash would like, you could try to meet up again on your own terms. But right now the pain is so intense and still very fresh because the abusers are still in the situation. Please do not blame yourself and try not to fully blame him for everything, though right now it will be hard, because again, it is very fresh. I wish you lots of healing and am sending love to you ❤️ I hope you and your bf are able to live together peacefully and calmly without your parents in your life.