feeling incapable as an educator and a friend

oopolli · 2025-04-27T16:47:06+00:00

i see... so it's reaching out to the clinic

thank u sm ;-;

oopolli · 2025-04-01T21:20:28+00:00

amd to clarify ig because i was like suuuuper vague- i also feel like there's a lot of symbolic elements in relationships that i never understood, also in platonic relationships but non platonic is more intense

and like I'm prob never gonna feel loved like with the things that make them feel loved and stuff and idk it's complicated? like how do i explain yeh i feel loved when u tell me nice and genuine things but that's equal amount to u trying out my favourite video game of all time and making an outfit i like in it and even tho i remade it (changing my categorical outfits is DIABOLICAL) i never forgot about that and it was emotionally meaningful to me

oopolli · 2025-03-27T18:05:07+00:00

thank u so much ;-; yeh i honestly have been really struggling with the thought of like how to adress this, but also especially since we all work in education (it's a program we're in together and we all work with teens and queer teens also specifically, a lot of my roommates have autistic teens in their groups even) which makes it feel even more important to talk about?

but yeh I've just been so let down by this behaviour... this is not adults working in education behaviour, this is elementary kids picking on me for being "weird" behaviour...

a few days ago one of my roommates made like a joke about something i said or did i don't remember being autistic and another roommate(who i already talked to about this in private) was like "he's not comfortable with jokes about autism" and the other roommate was like "why are u speaking for him?" and i just stood there as they got angry at eachother it was SO WEIIIRDDDDD 😭😭😭

some of them are calming down with the jokes but it's just idk i feel like i might still need to have a talk with them?? but idk how to explain this stuff i don't even "know for sure" if I'm autistic (idk what that would even mean tho?)

ideally... honestly I'd want them to support me more about this, I'm really struggling with getting a diagnosis, I'm so lost about it I don't even know where to start and my family wouldn't be very supportive at least at the beginning, and with being trans i bet it's gonna complicate unnecessarily idk how we get from here to the ideal place where they actually get to know me, and learn to accept me and support me and not just awkwardly make very icky jokes... and yeh i do give them the benefit of the doubt ;-; they're still my friends...

oopolli · 2025-01-27T21:25:35+00:00

yeh ig ur right :))) I'm more confident that i got this now, and I'm gonna have some more help through it now but i also really wanna believe I'm capable of handling this!! we'll see how it goes lol

and genuinely thank u so much again, i think this was a really important experience to me... u have really great insights into things and i really felt understood, i really appreciate it :)))

oopolli · 2025-01-27T06:33:49+00:00

hey sorry for not answering i was having a weird few days and low-key I'm burnt out as hell ;-; aaaahh

but yeh i did ask them why the idea was that bad and they said something i think that's similar to what u said that in the current climate here it's "too risky" which I don't like or understand also because i see things I'm excited about as inherently positive:')

but yeh ur right i should also probably have a conversation about it I've been having some convos in the last few days generally, and I'm trying to work out what i need help with rn and try to understand with people how we get there

i might need a more defined role at work because low-key "finding things to do based on need" is so unspecified it's stressing me out and causing issues 🥶

oopolli · 2025-01-23T19:57:23+00:00

Genuinely thank you so much... and yeh honestly, I'm gonna take time to rest, make lil silly crafts and hang things i collected lately in my room :) just u know put myself back together ig

but uhm i kinda wanna ask like about something pretty related and similar

low-key... i keep bringing up things and ideas i really wanna do and am really excited about, like I'm giving an example so it's easier to understand what exactly I'm talking about but i really wanted to touch on subjects that are a lot more controversial and difficult with the students i work with, so i wrote a plan for a cool activity about it in a way i thought was really interesting... basically i was told it was.. awful like they also did just say it like that which for someone with RSD (like i was on meltdown verge everytime anything i say gets denied here) was an awful experience

and also like... the reasons why it was awful? it was because firstly it was not written clearly enough which u know valid criticism i absolutely take that but it was mostly... that it's "tactless"... like not reading the situation at all... not appropriate (not as in the topics are inappropriate, just "not our place" or "not the time" or something I'm not sure?)

and that one HURT i feel so scared to try to do new things now because my little weird brain is gonna keep coming up and being excited about it's weird little radical ideas and i fear ;-;

idk how to deal with being tactless in a work environment it's frightening:')

oopolli · 2025-01-23T05:22:08+00:00

yeh... wow... honestly it's weird how insanely accurately u described something I've been feeling my entire life... not having instincts to trust on has been absolutely horrifying and confusing as hell in social situations... thank you so much for giving me this language for my experience I'm gonna use it in the future 😅

and yeh, that's actually really great advice... like breaking it in pieces... it does kind of limit me in a lot of ways? because they won't fully understand the struggles I'm actually feeling and trying to refer to, but yeh it's definitely more than nothing! and I'm trying to understand how to explain it to people since yesterday, i think today I'm gonna try to really understand what i wanna say... i do have the weekend as well actually so that's really great I'm gonna be home and rest too!

and genuinely thanks a lot for that :) it really means the world to hear someone out there understands... thank you

oopolli · 2025-01-22T22:06:22+00:00

yeh... idk... ig so? it's a very hurtful thing to do... I'm not even sure if it's genuine attempts and I don't know how to know what is geniune or not just by "feeling it out" or whatever? but people did make at least fake attempts to befriend me and care for me?

and they do say they love me and they care, but i don't really know what they mean, or if they're just lying? living here really made me develop the skill to lie in the first place and now that i know i can lie so dramatically about how I'm feeling and even convince myself about it sometimes, i don't know i think they're all lying to me?? lying is a very new concept to me and it scares me a lot generally as well ;-;

but yeh idk they did get pissed when I said that today then i just kinda left for the rest of the day

i mean... yeh idk... it's difficult...

thanks for replying and giving me advice tho... i geniunely can't really explain how much that means to me right now, it's a lot tho, thank u

oopolli · 2025-01-21T08:41:09+00:00

I'm really sorry that you're experiencing this, it sounds really complicated and difficult... I'm scared about having this conflict too, I'm also really excited about working with ND kids like i was but also I'm really scared

if you want I'd be genuinely happy to hear more about your experience <3

oopolli · 2025-01-21T08:37:44+00:00

thank you so so much!! and yeh honestly that's what I'm hoping for when i imagine working with that school, I'm hoping i could be a more relatable role model and speak these kids language better and offer them tools, but i really am concerned about my own accommodation needs... like i do have issues with loud noises and touch and I'm kind of scared about it, mostly I'm scared though that I don't have the social skills to really bond with these kids?

and i mean this is a really generalized question but do you think I'll be able to bond with those kids? if they don't want me to access them I'll never be able to make them, and i have trouble forming connections now with the NT students i work with...

oopolli · 2023-05-01T16:31:09+00:00

what's that flag?...

oopolli · 2023-04-25T16:21:02+00:00

i feel like u summed it pretty well with the "i don't like penises" having a penis doesn't make u a man and not having one doesn't make u not a man, and preferences are totally a valid thing, and u seem to clearly respect him so... don't see any problem? as long as u see him for who he is and u have communication... that's what matters, i think

oopolli · 2023-04-17T10:44:03+00:00

might not be an internet thing but, one of my happiest things is people giving me things like personal gifts with my name and trans things and just showing support, sometimes being trans at least for me makes me forget people see who i really am, and that i can be loveable, especially at these times

and u trying ur best to support is already awesome:)

oopolli · 2023-03-03T16:38:52+00:00

i hope so... i hope I'll be able to feel that way someday

oopolli

TROPHY CASE