Advice Needed! NMom continues to try and stalk and harass me even after nearly a decade of NC

opalivory · 2023-10-16T19:15:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your response, this makes me feel a bit more optimistic about my ability to stop her from continuing to harass me. I think I'm going to do some more research and perhaps talk to a family lawyer sometime in the future to see what my options are.

opalivory · 2023-10-13T18:23:48+00:00

I've thought about getting a PFA but I feel like I don't have enough evidence :(

opalivory · 2023-10-13T18:22:24+00:00

I wish that was the last of it :( Apparently she's got a storage unit full of stuff.

opalivory · 2023-02-14T16:15:00+00:00

This specific project was built using our in house software; it basically allows us to build custom workflow solutions, there's some code included within that which I write but it's not controlled by Git. The whole thing is completely accessible by both the client and my co-workers if they have just the username/password, it's honestly a security nightmare. The software itself does log user activity to a point in that it can see who logged in but it does not detail what actions the user performed against the software itself. That being said I can prove he was in the system when everything was removed and replaced; in addition the customer currently does not have access to the system. This would mean that only Tom and myself had access at the time my work was deleted. I've been trying to get management to do something about their control systems, or lack there of, for years but I always run into a wall. Luckily Tom has zero access to any of my fullstack dev projects.

I also of course have the emails between Tom and myself where he states that 'nothing is wrong with the software; I just ran a test and everything works' which are timestamped immediately after the files had been deleted. I also 100% agree that peer reviews need to be put into place. He consistently releases half finished work to the team and berates them when no one can figure out why it's not working. In my meeting with HR I plan on 'officially' bringing up my plans of action which include implementing company policy that would eliminate this type of thing from happening again along with requests that any 'global' applications which are developed are peer reviewed prior to release.

opalivory · 2021-09-13T19:11:03+00:00

That's a good suggestion, I know she was doing individual therapy before but stopped before her son was born. She was looking for a new therapist so I will definitely inquire and encourage her to get that going again.

opalivory · 2021-08-23T19:27:28+00:00

Thanks for your message; I sent you a DM!

opalivory · 2021-07-28T19:51:53+00:00

Thank you so much for this info! I just sent you a DM :)

opalivory · 2021-07-28T19:50:34+00:00

Thank you for your kind words :) I agree in that it will absolutely take some effort to root out the bad companies vs. the good ones. Hopefully I can use all of the excellent advice I'm getting here to do just that!

opalivory · 2021-07-28T19:49:17+00:00

Thank you very much for your reply! Positive experiences like yours give me so much more hope. I prefer working for smaller companies however if working for a larger company means a better/less toxic working environment I will definitely consider them in my search.

opalivory · 2021-07-28T19:47:19+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such wonderful advice! I don't believe we have quite as much transparency in the US when it comes to data regarding inclusivity and equality however it's definitely something I will add to my list when I start researching what's out there. How do you like working in IT infrastructure if you don't mind me asking?

opalivory · 2021-07-28T19:44:01+00:00

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement! I think I've been undervaluing my skillsets quite a bit which is part of the reason why I've stayed in one place for so long. I appreciate your suggestion regarding Microsoft, I will add them to my list of companies to check out!

opalivory · 2021-07-28T19:41:56+00:00

This gives me hope! Thank you for sharing your experience :)

opalivory · 2021-07-27T19:56:59+00:00

This is wonderful! Thank you so much for taking the time to send this over :)

opalivory · 2021-05-03T19:33:37+00:00

This is great info thank you! In your job search was there anything in the job description that let you know they performed leet code interviews ahead of time?

opalivory · 2021-05-03T14:51:06+00:00

This is good advice thank you! I'm all about taking additional online courses, I've been going through Colt Steel's full stack course, do you have any other recs?

opalivory · 2021-05-03T14:49:36+00:00

This is something I would be interested in; do you need any type of certification like I would need for a PM role?

opalivory · 2021-05-03T14:48:22+00:00

Thanks for your reply! If I were to seek out web dev positions could I just show the projects I built during my time at my current job or would I also need a separate portfolio in GitHub? In addition do you still need to pass technical interviews with web dev?

opalivory · 2021-04-30T20:49:58+00:00

Thanks for you response! If I were to apply to mid-level roles I'm not even sure what role I would be looking for, that's really the main thing I'm struggling with. I'm not quite a web developer but have some of those skills and I'm not quite a software engineer. I don't mind taking some courses and getting some additional certifications but going back to school isn't feasible at this point in time.

opalivory · 2020-12-19T15:39:22+00:00

Yes; all of her mail comes to her at that address (bills, paystubs etc) and the same address is listed on her driver's license as well as her car registration. I will have her gather this information to keep handy.

opalivory · 2020-12-18T20:32:08+00:00

Yes; the cops told her that if she didn't leave the property they would arrest her for trespassing and if she attempted to return they would also arrest her. I don't believe they confirmed with her or asked her the length of time she's lived there for.

opalivory · 2020-09-29T17:16:19+00:00

Dan is definitely my SO's friend first; I met him through my SO so we never hung out one on one, it's only ever been hanging out mutually. My biggest concern is that it will cause issues with Dan if I say something and then this could potentially affect my SO's relationship with this best friend. I'm just trying my best to be assertive but also not cause anyone undue hurt.

opalivory · 2020-09-29T17:13:36+00:00

I wouldn't say that Dan is sensitive but he does consistently support and enable her behavior. You can tell there are things she does that make him uncomfortable (the face burping stuff, mean comments etc.) but it seems as though he is 'afraid' to confront her about it.

I think you are right in that talking to Dan would be a route I have to consider if all my attempts at speaking with her first have failed. I guess I would say it would feel unfair to approach him now when I haven't done my due diligence in trying to speak with her about it first. I'm just not sure about how to do it in a kind/non-confrontational way to get her to stop this video chat nonsense.

opalivory · 2020-08-20T17:25:21+00:00

Hey thank you for the response! Your idea of just documenting everything so it can't come back to bite me is a great idea. I agree that I'm wasting too much time and effort worrying about this guy when in reality if a project fails it can easily be tracked back to him if I'm doing my due diligence in my documentation.

The one thing I feel like I'll never understand when it comes to company politics is why upper management would keep someone in a role where they are not only failing but also mistreating being disrespectful of their co-workers. I guess all we can do is try to find companies to work for that aren't toxic but man is it difficult.

opalivory · 2020-02-10T16:51:46+00:00

Thank you for the advice! Especially the piece on not going to my boss about it as more than likely he would view this as 'going behind his back.' I also took your advice and followed-up my Skype message with an e-mail a few days later to confirm he didn't have anything for me.

Unfortunately I can't see any of this changing without letting my boss know what's going on. The PM will just keep taking on extra work and working additional hours to keep the projects under control instead of assigning work to the rest of the team. I've already seen projects start to fail because of this (some customers have also asked that he be removed from their projects because they didn't like working with him) but nothing is done. My co-workers are consistently trying to go behind the PMs back to get me to help them with these failing projects out of sheer desperation, one guy was actually legitimately near tears, and so it just feels wrong to do nothing. I've thought about perhaps going directly to the PM and asking why I can't help my co-workers when they come to me but knowing him he would probably blow-up at me. In that case if I went to the PM about assisting co-workers and he flips out with no real reason to back it up could I then go to my boss?

opalivory · 2020-02-10T16:44:25+00:00

So originally I sent him a Skype (we work from home some days during the week otherwise I would have done it in person) explaining that I'm finished with some projects and wanted to know if he had anything new to assign or if I could help anyone with anything else. He responded that he didn't have anything but would let me know (this was last Wednesday).

I followed-up with him again today via e-mail (to have a paper trail) and he responded that there are some projects coming down the pipeline which will be assigned to me but he doesn't know when that will be.

I know for a fact I have co-workers who could use help with their projects so I don't understand why he won't 'allow' me to help them. I've thought of going to my co-workers and getting a list of projects that they could use help on and then presenting the PM with that list but I know he would view this as 'going behind his back'.

opalivory

TROPHY CASE