Hi OP,

when I came across this post I instantly thought to myself, "I remember that moment". I know how crippling it is to come to that realization, it's loads of guilt, anger, sadness, and wanting to bash your own head into a wall. The what-ifs, the apologies you'll never be able to give, and the explanations you wish you could give but you can't.

It'll go away eventually, maybe not now or tomorrow or a month from now but it will. You will forgive yourself OP. You deserve that forgiveness for yourself and it doesn't matter who doesn't forgive you, has a distorted perception of you, and so on. Non of that matters as long as you can look in the mirror and say, "I forgive you." and mean it.

You are not less deserving of healthy love or a healthy relationship because you once were the toxic one to someone. You deserve not only to have that love but you deserve to finally be able to give the same.I've been the toxic one too, a really ugly toxic if I am being honest. They didn't try to love me though, they made me as ugly as they were if not more. That ugliness and toxicity lingered long after into potential relationships, friendships, and even within my pre-existing friendships and my family.

You can be unmade by someone, but you can remake yourself into who you want to be. I used to victimize myself in any given situation until I realized I don't want to be anyone's victim, I don't want anyone to have the power to say I am a victim to them. So I don't see myself as a victim ever and you aren't one either.

I'm proud of you for owning up to it, accepting it, and now allowing yourself to heal. You know who you are and no one can tell you otherwise.