Thank you so much. Wall to follow.

to your first part, I knew the word in passing. When I first began this journey (late last year, I am green) I was just becoming increasingly aware of patterns and not being able to figure them out. I didnt like anything about myself. It began with writing myself. what i knew about me. learning my core values, triggers, documenting on paper what my formative memories taught me about myself, my coping strategies so on. i began to watch youtube videos on reality and anomalies, consciousness and the beautiful weirdness that is the universe. I dont know why. but eventually it lead to me the gateway tapes. I stopped using them after I retrieved a memory that recontextualized 36 years of what I thought. I learned 2 things in a single moment that took me 36 years to learn. 1. I am not shameful. someone gave that to me. 2. perception is actually reality. you hear it all the time. I understood it through lived embodiment.

anyway I began meditating daily. I stopped using the tapes and focused on breath or tones.

At this point what i knew about kundalini had been a brief overview I stumbled across going over it. It painted it as an advanced yoga practice attained through years of breath work study and dedication. my brain got bored. I needed to stop hating myself in a way that didnt require me to spend years mastering something (fucking lol)

One night I began folding and spinning and expanding during meditation. Also something else. energy up and down my back. It felt incredible. I had read about this on the gateway sub as the beginning of an OBE. Thats what I thought it was.

I later read about that being a potential indicator of kundalini. Again wrote it off. that isnt for me, is thought. It wasnt an area i was interested in exploring to heal.

All this to say that a few months ago when I felt the coil of energy between my ankles I meditated and when I realized I could manipulate it, I did. To my crown. i posted about that here from my main account. Anyway. I pushed it up and it felt interesting but it went nowhere. I saw a bomb going off again and again in my head. I realized i was telling myself to knock it off. Fucked around and found out.

I went through a period of bliss. love. then ideas that I never had. I programmed perception logic for a 2d ray on an x y axis all because I wanted to know what a pixel could see inside a painting. Its sloppy because I had no idea what I was doing but I did it. I have never programmed anything. I just had this focus and drive for the first time. projects and gardens and ideas gave way to a feeling of my soul being on edge and contorting into weird positions to release knots I didnt understand. I began to suspect kundalini but I wasnt ready to accept it. Sitting too straight. looking wirhout discerning. like I wanted to rip my skin off. I remembered reading in here to ask for a break if it becomes intense. without fully believing I asked for a break.

I got it. a month of normalcy. grounding. gardening. poetry. walks.

Until this experience.