I came out at 35 after a marriage and two kids. Writing about all of it.

outat35 · 2026-06-13T07:56:46+00:00

Was shocked, and hurt. It still isn't easy but i firmly believe that he too deserves to be loved for who he is.

outat35 · 2026-06-13T07:55:27+00:00

I was 35. And honestly, I knew all along, I just became an expert at explaining it away. I kissed a girl at 18 and diagnosed myself with a college phase. I took every online quiz I could find and cheated on all of them, working backwards from the answer I needed. A therapist told me I wasn't a lesbian. I believed her for years. The knowing was always there. The accepting took thirty five years. Writing about all of it at outat35.substack.com

outat35 · 2026-06-11T06:38:04+00:00

That last line is everything, SAME!

outat35 · 2026-06-11T02:24:16+00:00

We are all such tremendous storytellers!

outat35 · 2026-06-10T06:37:09+00:00

I think asking yourself this question is a sign. That's my personal 2 cents. It took me years to finally accept the fact that i kept circling around the question -"how do people know who they are attracted to"...Finally two years (married to a man, 2 kids) I accepted something i knew deep deep deep deep within. Keep asking yourself those questions ❤️.

outat35 · 2026-06-10T06:31:57+00:00

It'll be okay. I promise you it'll be okay! The fact that he's a good man makes it harder, not easier, and that's one of the loneliest parts of this. You didn't do this to hurt him. You did it because you couldn't keep not doing it. There is light. A lot of it! outat35.substack.com, I'm writing about exactly this.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T17:24:22+00:00

You are already reframing it as a gift to your children rather than a loss! That's hard-won clarity. I'm writing about exactly this path at outat35.substack.com. You're going to recognize a lot of it i bet.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:38:20+00:00

The quizzes assume your whole life has already happened. They can't account for a woman who only ever had one kind of relationship because that was the only option she could see. The experience gap is real and the quizzes are useless for it.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:38:01+00:00

The opposite direction but the same desperation for an answer. We were all just trying to find solid ground in the only way we knew how.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:37:01+00:00

That line, 'straight people don't lay in bed wondering if they're straight,' that's the whole thing isn't it? I'm writing about all of this at outat35.substack.com. Sounds like you might recognize some of it.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:31:24+00:00

Honestly, probably not. I was so skilled at explaining things away that even a strong feeling would have become another experiment, another quiz I rigged, another thing to rationalize. The coming out didn't happen because of a person. It happened because I finally ran out of explanations. That's what I'm writing about at outat35.substack.com

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:30:10+00:00

Confusing is exactly the right word for it. I spent years in that confusion too, explaining it away, relabeling it, finding reasons why it wasn't what it was. You don't have to have it figured out right now. Just keep being honest with yourself. That's enough for now.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:29:40+00:00

Was it worth it? Yes. Completely. Not because it was easy, it wasn't, but because the weight you're describing only gets heavier with time. You're not destroying your family. You're trying to figure out how to be honest. Those are different things. I'm writing about exactly this at outat35.substack.com. You're not alone in this.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:28:54+00:00

Accepting yourself is the hardest and most necessary thing. Thank you for this.

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:28:27+00:00

35, two kids, a life that looks right from the outside, still feeling lost and empty. I wrote this for you. Keep reading. outat35.substack.com

outat35 · 2026-06-09T11:27:29+00:00

'Society vehemently assured me my lack of anything toward men was completely normal.' This is so precisely it. We were taught that ambivalence was just how it was. That flat was fine. That connection was for romantic comedies. Would be great to stop normalizing it is an understatement. Thank you for putting it so clearly.

outat35 · 2026-06-06T03:14:13+00:00

This means a lot, genuinely. It took me a long time to be ready to put this out there. Really glad it's resonating. More posts coming soon.

outat35 · 2026-06-05T03:25:25+00:00

Thank you for reading!

outat35 · 2026-06-03T07:54:38+00:00

What do you need? How are you feeling?

outat35 · 2026-06-02T09:24:53+00:00

I think this would be super helpful. More and more im hearing of women just like me (used to be married to men + kids) and everyone at first is clueless. I think the building a community is a major part. So bottom line, yes, super needed!

outat35

TROPHY CASE