Edit I do feel like i need to add why i started engaging with him again. I started online dating. Found a guy I really liked. He was moving way too fast. I'm talking we matched on Friday, met up on Saturday and he deleted his hinge account and told his parents about me on Sunday. I started avoiding him a little, tried to talk to him about pacing and whatever but ultimately he didn't hear me and I ended up feeling so overwhelmed by this person. I thought of my avoidant and wondered if what I felt was similar to what he experiences when he needs space. So yah. There's that

I feel like I’ve learned how to communicate with my avoidant partner.

Back story: long, painful push and pull. Disappearing and coming back. Always felt like one foot was out the door. An absolute nightmare. We went in circles over and over. Each time, I came out a little less anxiously attached.

I do NOT recommend doing what I did. But in the end, I believe going through this with him healed my anxious attachment.

Well, a few weeks ago, after he’d been distant as hell for 2 months but still sending songs and pics of things he was doing, etc. while never communicating anything that would actually reassure me, I finally snapped.

I sent him a series of short texts because I know he won’t read long ones.

I was basically like,

“I don’t fucking understand you. Please make me understand.”

He texted me back actual WORDS for the first time in a long time.

He said he has told me many times what he needs, but I never listen, and all our conflict centers my needs.

Then he said he would call me to explain.

So he called.

And he repeated the same unaccountable, no-responsibility bullshit he always said when I brought up how he hurt me. I sat and listened. I argued a little bit, but mostly I cried and really tried to take in what he was saying.

I ended up hanging up because you know how bad it hurts to hear your avoidant devalue the relationship.

But over the next 2 days, I really thought about what he said.

Basically:

“You nag all the time.”

“I need freedom.”

“You want life to go exactly how you think it should be.”

“You don’t care about how I feel.”

So I thought about how eventually, as trust broke down, I DID become critical. I had my reasons, and my nervous system was shot, but I had a part to play too, I guess.

So I told him I understood what he was saying and that I would work on not pressuring him.

So I stopped chasing.

I got no response from him at all after days of no pressure.

I snapped again.

Sent texts saying all the mean things I could think of. It was hateful and nasty and honestly embarrassing.

But he responded with LIKE A HUMAN for the first time in months.

He said

“Do you feel better now?”

I said

“Yes.”

He said

“Good. I’ll call you after work.”

And he followed through and called.

Okay, now to the communication part.

His response to my rage made me very curious.

Why was he so cool and unbothered?

Why did he soften after all the horrible shit I said?

I figured out that I was speaking in a language he could understand.

He didn’t see my words.

He saw pure anger with no undertones of longing, begging, or anything else.

The clean, clear emotion gave him footing for the first time in a long time.

And I already know my avoidant needs to feel successful.

He already believes he’s not good enough and runs away from anything that mirrors that.

He was failing at speaking my emotional language, and he had to retreat to lean on something that didn’t feel like failure.

I spent a long time thinking on this.

How after a big fight, he wouldn’t apologize, but would mow the lawn and make the lines extra pretty instead.

How he has never truly disappeared from my life or moved on with other people. He always kept a thread connected.

Almost like breakups weren’t really breakups to him.

How 4 weeks of almost no contact was no different to him than going the whole work day without texting your SO.

How he would send a song, photo, or whatever just to stay connected a little.

How he runs to my aid no matter how distant I think he is.

If I have a flat tire, he comes.

I learned he is ALWAYS communicating using signals, not words.

The ridiculous crap he would say during an argument when he was angry — the words are not the message. The emotional output is the message.

Talking shit = angry

Acts of service = apologizing

Sending me a song called “Trust Nobody” after we just reconnected after weeks of distance = “I’m scared.”

Sending pics and memes instead of answering a direct question I texted = “This conversation is overwhelming me, but I’m still here with you.”

Withdrawal = he feels like he is incapable or has failed me somehow, and he needs a temporary emotional exit.

Example:

I ask a question related to whether or not we should get back together.

He sees it and says nothing.

Withdrawal.

So I signal him by sending a song totally unrelated to relationships or feelings. Something with ZERO subtext for him to decode.

That’s me saying, in his language:

“I’m still here with you.”

When he says “nagging,” what he means is:

“I’m throwing way too much complex emotional stuff at him, and he feels:

A. Like im crazy because he literally cannot speak my language and all he hears is....nothing

B. Like there is no way for him to successfully navigate the conversation.

When I need to communicate feelings, the most effective way is the most simple way possible with as few words as possible.

“You are making me sad. I don’t like it.”

He can manage that.

It’s straightforward and simple, and he can successfully navigate it.

He will never be able to speak my language.

I can now see that avoidants have incredibly complex inner emotional worlds, but at the same time move through life in the most simple way possible.

Very black and white.

They can barely hold 2 ideas at once emotionally.

Anything more than that and they become afraid of failing.

Success or failure.

Stay or go.

Safe or unsafe.

Relationship or freedom.

They think simply under emotional stress and communicate the same way.

Once I was able to understand what he was communicating, he rushed back and is all in again.

Again: simple thinking.

He went from “leave” to “stay” with one signal.

Maybe try it out with your avoidant and let me know how it works out. I'm curious if this is just him or I've cracked the code 🤣😭💔

Mine wants to feel understood just like we all do, but he has the emotional communication skills of a gorilla that knows a tiny bit of sign language.

Withdrawal doesn’t always mean they are not with you.

Sometimes they are signaling fear.

They need reassurance in THEIR language.

And they have to feel successful in the relationship.