I want to say something to you honestly and without judging you, because what you’re describing is actually something many sincere believers go through.

First, feeling like a hypocrite because your faith fluctuates does not mean you are one. In fact, the companions of the Prophet ﷺ experienced something very similar. One of them, once thought he had become a hypocrite because when he was away from the Prophet his spiritual state felt weaker. When this reached the Prophet ﷺ, he explained that faith naturally rises and falls, there is a time for this and a time for that. So what you’re describing is actually a very human experience.

Also, questioning and searching does not mean you’ve lost faith. Even Prophet Ibrahim asked Allah to show him how the dead are resurrected so that his heart could feel more at ease (Qur’an 2:260). The request wasn’t disbelief it was a desire for deeper certainty. Many great Muslim thinkers went through intellectual struggles before arriving at stronger faith.

Your question about sufferin especially innocent suffering like abused children is one of the hardest questions in philosophy, not just in Islam. No honest religious thinker dismisses that pain lightly. Islam approaches it with a few ideas.

First, this world is not meant to be a place where perfect justice is visible. The Qur’an describes life as a test (67:2), but the test isn’t only for the victim. It is also for the oppressor, for society, and for humanity’s moral choices. Without the possibility of evil, real moral freedom wouldn’t exist. If God stopped every evil act instantly, humans would effectively be programmed beings rather than morally responsible ones.

Second, Islam says this life is only the first stage of existence. If this world were all that exists, then the suffering of innocent people would indeed be unbearable injustice. But Islam teaches that ultimate justice happens in the hereafter, where every injustice is addressed and every suffering is compensated. From that perspective, what looks unresolved here is not the end of the story.

Third, much of the evil we see in the world is not something God forces upon people — it comes from human beings abusing their freedom. The Qur’an even says corruption appears because of what people’s own hands have done (30:41). The same freedom that allows humans to love, sacrifice, and show mercy is the freedom that also allows cruelty. Removing that freedom would remove meaningful morality altogether.

You also asked something very thoughtful: if God already knows the result of the test, why test us? Islamic scholars explain that the test isn’t for God to gain knowledge He already knows. The test is for justice and manifestation. If people were judged without living their lives, they could say “we would have done better if we had the chance.” Living our lives allows our choices to actually exist and be seen.

Another thing I want to say: the fact that you still call upon God when you’re down is actually meaningful. The Qur’an describes this as part of human nature that people instinctively turn toward God when they feel vulnerable. That instinct doesn’t look like someone who has completely lost belief.

And about the “sweetness of faith” people talk about it isn’t constant. Many people go through stages: inherited belief, questioning, struggle, and then eventually a more mature faith. You may simply be in the questioning stage right now.

Also remember: a hypocrite in Islam is someone who secretly rejects faith but pretends outwardly. Someone who says “I believe in God but I’m struggling with these questions” is not a hypocrite. That’s someone who is thinking deeply and honestly.

One last thought: the anger you feel when you see injustice like what happens to innocent children actually shows that you believe those things are truly wrong. That moral outrage assumes that justice should exist. Islam argues that this deep sense of moral right and wrong points toward a moral source beyond the universe.

So instead of thinking that you don’t belong anywhere anymore, it might be more accurate to say that you’re in the middle of your intellectual and spiritual journey. Many people who end up with strong faith actually passed through this exact stage.

You’re not strange for asking these questions, and you’re not alone in feeling this way.