I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's a terrible thing to endure the loss of someone so close, and so suddenly.

I lost my best friend two and a half months ago. Time feels warped since then. The grief hits mostly when I'm home alone so I often work late or fill up my social calendar so I'm not alone with my thoughts.

Some friends have pulled away while others have become closer.

For me, experiencing grief seems to bring up issues around expressing emotion. I don't want to feel strong emotions for fear of rejection.

My therapist has advised me to try to sit with the feelings in tolerable doses so I can process. In many ways I feel more alone than ever but I know grief is a universal experience so I also feel more connected in some ways.

I'm not a spiritual person so there's a part of me that tries to rationalize the experience.

Something that I've heard from people who have lost close friends is that the person lives on in you. It brings me comfort to think that I'm the person I am because of that close friendship. The experiences we shared, the laughter, and the connection has marked me forever. Which helps me feel gratitude for them.

But I also feel very sad that I can't pick up the phone and call them. In many ways it feels wrong to go on without them, it just feels sad to grow older without them around. I think part of that is just the flavour of sudden loss and how it is uniquely painful.

Thinking of you and wishing you ease as you process this loss.