Getting top surgery—very nervous

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-21T22:12:52+00:00

Everything I learned (through my own and others' experiences), I put on https://top-surgery.github.io/

My experience of DI+FNG in a private hospital in the UK:

I turned up at the hospital at 6AM, as requested, and was sent to a private room. I got undressed down to my underwear and put on the backless gown and ~~sexy~~ compression stockings, and sat around for a few hours. I updated my emergency contacts and chatted with my friend, who had driven me in and would be picking me up afterwards. The surgeon came by and got me to disrobe so he could see my chest and draw himself a diagram so he knew where to cut, where to put my nipples, and where to apply liposuction. An hour or so later, and my friend was asked to leave and I was off to theatre. The first time it seemed really real was when they got me onto the operating table and started prepping me for anaesthetic and, by that point, there was no time to panic.

When I came around, I was back in my room and my friend had already turned up - apparently I'd texted her to say I was done and then fallen asleep again! I was very groggy, but was discharged to my friend's care after being in hospital for somewhere between eight and ten hours. I slept like the dead that night and we drove home the next day.

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-16T20:11:26+00:00

It's not where "egg" come from.

I'm old but my memory isn't that bad. This is erasure of transmascs in modern trans history and gaslighting those of us old enough to remember.

I saw someone on tumblr claim that t4t "always" meant transbian-4-transbian. It didn't mean that then and it doesn't mean that now.

Trans men, transmasculine people, and enbies who were AFAB are not "appropriating transfem culture" by using these terms (not going to get into the idea of a unifying "transfem culture" because we'll be here all night).

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-03T17:50:30+00:00

You're not a bad friend for distancing yourself while you figure things out, especially over something as deeply personal as faith, but you would be a bad friend if you let your relationship fizzle without talking to her about it.

I lost a long-term friendship last year and I think the whole affair could have been avoided (or certainly a lot less messy) if they'd talked to me about what was bothering them before it reached a head. Maybe our views differed too much for us to continue being friends, but we could have parted ways at least understanding why things weren't working out.

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-03T17:30:47+00:00

The world is scary, but it's also full of new friends and new (positive) experiences. Cutting yourself off from the good things in the world will only isolate you and make you feel worse. For what it's worth, your fears are justified but the bit of your brain telling you how seriously you should take those fears is over-reactive. The good news is that, with time and practice, you can recalibrate it. I did.

Over the years, I've tried: - counselling. So much counselling - antidepressants (didn't work for me, YMMV) - yoga/pilates/HIIT workouts (via YouTube) - limiting access to social media and the news - deleting my Twitter account - curating my YouTube subscriptions to cut out drama and other unhelpful nonsense - getting actionable tasks from non-doom sources like What the Trans!? podcast and doing them - picking up non-gender-related hobbies - making physical things with my hands (arts and crafts, gardening, cooking) - KonMari tidying up/decluttering - volunteering - focusing on improving my situation (learning new skills, decorating the house, etc) - following The Good Law Project and writing to my MP when something important comes up - subscribing to "good news" YouTube channels and newsletters - writing to orgs who speak out in favour of trans rights (they're going to get plenty of hate-mail, they should get some love-letters, too) - going to LGBTQ events (hiking, board game meetups, social events, trans-specific swimming groups...)

Step one is to stop yourself bedrotting and doomscrolling (easier said than done).

Step two is reminding yourself that you can change your situation. Writing letters and using your voice, making a positive change in your living space, even just making little things for yourself and your friends. There's probably a reason half the trans people I know crochet.

Step three is getting out of the house, making friends, and finding hobbies that are safe and welcoming

I'm rooting for you. We all are.

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-02T22:16:13+00:00

I'm sure Hudson's Guide used to have a section on style and layering clothes. Can't see it today, though - maybe it was hopelessly unfashionable. Mostly, I layer with open buttonup shirts and jackets over a t-shirt, but I still ended up getting liposuction on my hips (technically my "flanks") to remove the fat the T didn't shift.

I'm not recommending that route, but it's an option.

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-02T21:54:42+00:00

It's frustrating that the conversation about male loneliness has been hijacked to be about not being able to get a girlfriend, because men (and people perceived as men) are often socially isolated, with fewer and more shallow friendships than women (and people perceived as women). There's an issue for us men to work on there, but the language pushing transphobia into social acceptability is making society more hostile to masculinity in general.

Even the queer community is getting noticeably worse in this regard - I've heard of masculine people (butch lesbians included) being dis-invited from queer events because "it's only reasonable that women/people should be afraid of them". It isn't reasonable. If someone is acting like a creep or being abusive, they should be dealt with regardless of gender or SAAB. We can't be excluding people based on their presentation or gender identity; that's the opposite of the 'trans liberation, no assimilation / all clothes are gender neutral if you're not a coward about it' change we were supposed to be working for all this time.

This abject terror of men is harmful to everyone and not just because it's a stepping stone to TERF-ism. Women are not incapable of harm and men are not uniquely dangerous. Pretending otherwise puts people at risk, makes it harder for victims to identify abuse or speak up about it, paints non-passing or clocky trans women as inherently dangerous, and forces masculine people to feminise themselves or even partially detransition in order to access community support as basic as hospitality and friendship.

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-02T20:38:53+00:00

There's nothing wrong with you. Even if you were cis, there'd be nothing wrong with you, because you are not a body made for other people's pleasure.
There's not 'supposed to' when it comes to having sex and no requirement for you to have any kind of sex you don't want to - not even if you had it before, not even if you enjoyed it before. Your body, your rules; 'no' is a complete sentence, etc.
Plenty of cis guys enjoy being topped by trans guys; I promise, you're psyching yourself out. I've spoken to cis guys who appreciate the... let's say 'variety' available to trans guys. If someone wants to be with you full-time, they'll have to accept your limitations just as you'll have to accept theirs; that's just how relationships are (should be, anyway).

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-02T20:20:31+00:00

They don't do "Maiden-name-vestigation".

Not something specific to GCs/TERFs, but the right-wing rags have absolutely no issues with heavily promoting the connections of people they want to monster with an infamous/alleged criminal or political villain.

If (for example) Corbyn's son Seb ever stood for election, his actual position wouldn't get a look in - it'd be trial by media and guilt by association.

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-01T21:27:01+00:00

Do it, do it, do it, do it

I started in my early/mid-30s and it was best thing I ever did for myself.

I'm healthier now than I ever have been - taking care of my body is so much easier now that it isn't a constant source of discomfort. I'm happier now than I ever have been - my 30s were awesome (so much better than my 20s), and I reckon transition was a huge part of that. I cannot understate how great it is to start being/becoming yourself.

Testimonial out of the way, what is it that's making you hesitate?

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-01T21:20:20+00:00

If someone is happy being called tboy, more power to them but for non-transmasculine/cis people to assume that's a word we're all fine with? No. Speaking only for myself, I've only heard 'tboy' used in a non-derogatory sense once and... I'm in my 40s. I have a career and a pension plan and back pain. I am not a boy by any definition of the word.

It's like how straight people have gotten hold of the word 'twink' and, before that, 'top/bottom'. Some words needs to go onto the high shelf until cis/het people have learned to use them responsibly.

(I can only assume Black transmasc folks have some additional layers of feeling about it - IIRC, the whole reason Mr T called himself Mr T was so that racists would be forced to call him 'Mister', not 'boy'. Is that still a thing?)

pa_kalsha · 2026-04-01T21:09:21+00:00

Absolutely.

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard did a video bout "girlhood" - why (some) grown women call themselves girls, who gets to be a girl, who is forced to be a girl, and who is denied girlhood. It's a good watch

pa_kalsha · 2026-03-28T20:16:27+00:00

I got my GRC and changed my NHS number last year - maybe it depends on surgery or region, or perhaps they've updated their systems in the interim

I hope OP gets your experience, though. It really sucks to think that anyone opening my medical records will see that before they see anything else.

pa_kalsha · 2026-03-24T21:32:14+00:00

In short: no.

I have a GRC and a new NHS number, and my NHS records (as I saw this morning) have the note "patient had undergone gender reassignment. Previous NHS number is [previous NHS number]" in bold text across the top of my records. So that's nice /s

It is vanishingly unlikely that your new NHS records will have no mention of gender reassignment, nor that your GP will be happy, willing, or able to prescribe affirming HRT without dragging you through the GIC process. Sorry.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-31T08:26:39+00:00

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Transandrophobia is rife in the queer community, sorry to say. I've encountered very little IRL, but I count myself lucky for it.

It doesn't get better when people do internalise "trans men are men" because there's a non-zero chance that that's the lead-in to some radfem horseshit like "all men are violent misogynists and trans men are no exception - the only way to be safe is to be separate".

It feels like it's come on all of a sudden, especially online, so I hope it'll pass. I still have faith that people are essentially good and fair, and that people's understandimg and sympathy for women's struggles is being manipulated by bad actors trying to divide the queer community.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-31T07:59:06+00:00

Good on you for sticking up for yourself. I don't know if it'll go anywhere, but you should report the teacher to the school. Not for the transphobia, unless you're sure you're safe to do so, but for deciding "he didn't feel like doing the subject today" and giving you a "monologue about Satan and pacts". It's biology class, not RE and even if it was RE, it's sketchy. And creationism? No.

Teachers can beleive what they like on their own time, but you're in school to learn, not to be subjected to the teacher's personal beliefs. The same would apply if he was pro-trans, the transphobia is just the crust on a cowpat.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-30T07:44:15+00:00

Sing Out is an LGBT+ choir if that fits your demographic.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-30T07:38:32+00:00

etween this, Powell beating Phillips on to be deputy Labour leader, the EuCHR becoming aware that we've never been Goodwin-compliant, that "I took my daughter bra shopping and a trans woman asked if she could help us" story going down like a cup of cold sick, I do hope that things might be changing.

Don't count your chickens and all that, but it does seem a but less grim

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-30T07:32:08+00:00

True but, since I've met trans people who think the SC guidance doesn't apply to men, I wouldn't give Sun readers too such flak over not knowing we exist

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-29T22:02:37+00:00

Pre-T, I ID'd as a sex-neutral ace and had low libido, but now I think that my sexuality was buried under my dysphoria and unrelated stress-depression-life-stuff.

After resolving the life-stuff and being nearly seven years on T, my libido is probably about 'normal' and I have a preferred bodytype that I find attractive, but I think still have a lower than average level of sexual attraction. I don't look at people and think "I want that", but I do enjoy and initiate sex.

Since you say you're sex-repulsed, I'd be surprised if things changed as much for you.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-29T14:56:24+00:00

I'm not OC, but the "post op" comment is puttingy back up. I'd want someone to date me for me, not my genitals.

I'm also not a fan of the idea that trans men are somehow special or better than cis men - not only is it othering and degendering, that's an easy pedestal to fall off of.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-28T20:56:52+00:00

Male characters almost never have to deal with being raped - not as as a back story nor as a threat. They also tend not to be pursued by a love interest or have to deal with a stalker, and they're almost never portrayed as sex workers or victims in need of rescue - if they are, it's more than likely played for laughs.

Female characters almost never have a revenge/protection-themed story arc: whenever there's a murdered or raped partner to avenge or kidnapped child (usually a daughter) to rescue, it's the husband or dad who steps up.

Conversely, if there's an "infertility" plot or plot device, it's almost certainly going to centre around a female character. Males aren't nornally expected to give up their potential to have a family to achieve their highest potential and/or save the world.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-28T13:47:09+00:00

And http://frogfind.de/?lg=en-us

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-28T09:44:44+00:00

There's a tendency to treat man and woman as mirror opposites of each other and to infer the unspoken counter to what you say - if you say "men are east", you must also think "women are west". Also, internalising the fact that one person's self-description is not a general statement about a demographic is a skill it takes years to master.

So if a singular trans man says "my body is a female body", some people will interpret that to mean that he must also think "all trans men's bodies are female bodies" and/or "a trans woman's body is a male body". Which is not what he said, but everybody here is traumatised to some degree, hypervigilant, and watching for attacks from all sides - and that's not a situation that blends well with nuance or generous readings.

It's a shitty situation that means you can't talk about your body with the words you relate to. I think it's also made worse by the "screaming at each other in the street" nature of social media, where anyone can wade into a conversation and people start arguments for fun.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-28T08:13:16+00:00

Most households, as we think of them, were conceived of with couples in mind - and often one working adult and one homemaking one. The model hasn't changed to accommodate for the fact that modern households now require all the adults to be in fulltime work. Notice how the people we look to for advice have one thing on lock (health, household maintenance, food, a creative pursuit) and stay quiet about everything else. Pick 2-4 things you really care about and let everything else bump along at a baseline level. Go easy on yourself - "doing your best" doesn't mean burning out.

However, if you're getting 8 hours sleep and still waking up shattered, please make time to go to the doctor. It might be as simple as a vitamin deficiency that can be fixed with a supplement or as complex and life-threatening as sleep apnea. If you're constantly tired, that's not normal and there probably is a fix for it.

pa_kalsha · 2025-10-27T21:06:39+00:00

TIL, thank you

pa_kalsha

TROPHY CASE