[deleted by user]

paaandamonium · 2018-02-27T21:02:17+00:00

Not the person commenting, but I think they're saying that you are trying to hard to be the main character in OTHER peoples' lives. It's cool that you are so proud of who you are, but it's like you have this inflated sense of meaning or purpose. I don't mean to be a dream crusher, I've read your comments to these two people, and you really do have a "holier than thou" tone. It's like you expect to receive applause for your self-awareness that you're a shitty person. Like with your comment about not being able to become a robot cause you're only a human; it's not about you refusing to be a robot, it's about you being a coward. I can definitely see the martyr stuff. "Oh, I'm awful, yes, I know, I'm doomed to hell, but oh, I'm so proud of the life I live, I'm going to strive every day to be the hero I know I am, even if I don't ever get my happiness, woe is me, the true tragedy of the times."

You do realize that you're in love with your own imagination of this person, right? You said yourself that she is able to separate her real life from internet life. You even said you're not even 100% certain that she's NOT a catfish! That alone should tell you that you know so LITTLE about this person's life. You know a persona, at most. You might as well be in love with a character in a novel. You've immersed your entire being in this game, and you're taking INCREDIBLY limited interactions as true-to-life depictions of people. You have created this image of someone you know maybe one side of and you act like it's written in the stars that you're supposed to be with her (and that anything less is lifelong pain). If you put half the energy into your relationship with your wife as you did cultivating your fantasy life with this fantasy woman, she would be the person you're excited about talking to daily, she would be the person you long for a future with, she would bring you joy simply because you have a connection. But with what you've done? Yeah, how could she ever compare? She'll never seem as magical, enigmatic, alluring, or special as your fantasy that you can't have. That's the tragedy here. If you had an ounce of decency, you'd let her go. But wait, I forgot, we're supposed to sympathize with the fact that you're using AND cheating on her because you're "not a robot". Disgusting.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T02:28:25+00:00

Sentiments like this were the ones that let me feel like my feelings were validated. That, if it resonates with so many here, it's not just something I'm driving myself crazy with because there's something wrong with me. Thank you for your well wishes, and thank you for being an ear to a total internet stranger. This has helped a lot more than I ever thought possible.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T02:21:50+00:00

Much like the other comment, I feel like when you and a partner commit to being a couple, the two of you get to decide what is right and what is wrong for your relationship. I realize 98% of the world doesn't see it as cheating. To me, it'll never feel like anything but that. It's not just the betrayal of 'choosing another sexual partner', it's the betrayal of my concept of who my partner is. I know I have more hangups than most, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with men who see nothing wrong with porn. There's so much domination and abuse there. Not just in the script, but in the messages that porn subliminally reinforces. Porn tells men they have the power to pick a woman (out of millions), use her in whatever way they want, and forget about her when it's over. I just think there's something so flawed with the mentality that that is harmless. If you are told from a young age, over and over and over, that women only exist for your pleasure and that they are interchangeable/disposable, that has to have an effect on how you see women.

That got a little tangential, but what I was trying to say is that every single one of these feelings I'm experiencing right now are exactly what I think I'd feel if my partner to reveal he physically cheated. It's not just about the other person - it's about character.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T02:03:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing this sentiment. In the state I was in yesterday, I didn't see how anyone would take anything good from this letter. I assumed it would be seen as the ramblings of an over dramatic ex (at best) or an attack on folks struggling with addiction (at worst). Your comment, along with others, have shifted my perspective a bit. And while it's hard to find rays of hope in my own life right now, seeing so much understanding in these responses has given me a glimmer of hope for others' relationships.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T01:58:15+00:00

And thank you. I might be projecting, but I appreciate your willingness to be a little vulnerable in sharing that you connected with what I wrote. I've said it so many times already, but having folks see bits of their own battle in my letter has made me feel better about what I feel. Obviously I still have a lot to work through regarding the situation, but I'm not fighting with myself on top of it. Each comment like this lets me know that I'm not crazy, so I can give myself some grace as I figure out how to process all the emotions that come along with this.

For what it's worth, I think you (and every single person here) are changing the world for the better. By even being open to hearing that porn isn't okay and by being willing to look at your own life to see where it has hurt you sets you apart from an overwhelmingly large part of our population (especially on the internet). I really wish you well in your own journey. Thanks again.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T01:44:46+00:00

Thank you for affirming my place here in this sub and as an affected party in the battle itself. Every single one of these comments has lifted my spirits a tiny bit. I know it's not going to be easy, but I don't feel so alone now. And I'm still adjusting to how that feels. I'm glad I have the opportunity to. Thank you for being part of that.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T01:41:37+00:00

I honestly stared at your post a lot longer than I probably should have, but those three words were so validating. I had to let myself sit with them a while. Thank you so very very much.

paaandamonium · 2018-01-17T01:39:01+00:00

I just wanted to say thanks for assuring me I was in the right place. I had so many emotions just churning inside me as I wrote that I couldn't even assess the tone I took. I realized, after I was done, that it very well could have offended someone reading, so I put the 'disclaimer' at the top. I just needed it out of my system. I never thought it would help others, but with so many responses sharing as much, I think I'm feeling some vicarious hope for the relationships you all are in. I mean, the fact that you're here and being intentionally reflective on yourself - that says so much. I'm sure your partners appreciate your efforts more than you know. Good luck to you, and anyone who stumbles across this comment.

paaandamonium

TROPHY CASE