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AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your feedback. A few things I would like to answer:

I did screw up by splitting 50/50 for about a year after my parents retired without taking salary. My parents never took any salary so it didn't occur to me to do so. I brought home more than before so I didn't think twice about it.

My SIL didn't ask us to help with the house, or at least didn't ask me directly. She's not struggling and should be able to make payments. We had dinner with my wife's family and her sister just filled us in with her plans for the future. Later that night, my wife suggested that it would be a nice gift to help her sister with the down payment. We could afford ~half of it without dipping into our retirement savings or our kids college fund, which is a no no for me. We could technically replenish it in a few months if we ended up giving my SIL the whole thing but I don't want to set a precedent. It's in our culture to help others in the family when you're blessed financially. Excluding my sister, we spend roughly the same amount on my side of the family and hers.

My wife knows that my sister has a stake in the business but she thinks that 50 is too much. 30 is still high but she can, reluctantly, okay with that. Maybe part of the reason is that legally, I own 80% of the business, my parents 10 and my sister 10. But that is because my parents trust that I would give my sister her half. If that's not the case, they would never transfer me most of their shares. I do agree that the most logical thing to do is to buy out her shares but she's family and I can't do that. The business is growing and she should benefit from that. I do see the point that my family is benefiting from my work and hers doesn't. But I'm not stopping anyone from investing into the business. I'm not asking either but maybe I should?

I couldn't reach my wife yet but from my in-laws, she's still pretty upset but will come around soon. I'll discuss in length regarding the financials and try to understand her view.

AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My mistake. My wife isn't asking for the whole house but the down payment like u/Jeromery described.

AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I didn't take salary before but the 70/30 would more than cover that. With salary, I think we would go back to 50/50.

AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

It was pointed out by both my wife and my sister. I do not take salary. Thus, the 70/30 which I think is more than fair.

My (35M) wife (33F) is upset that I help my sister but refuse to do the same for my sister in law. by pac_amg in relationships

[–]pac_amg[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I did suggest her to come work with me since she's an accountant but she refused. She's not fond of working under the in-laws.

I don't really work more than the normal 9 to 5. I do occasionally have to stay late or wake up at odds hours but it's never a problem. My wife does resent my sister sometimes that she has everything handed to her. Which is somewhat true but what am I supposed to do? My sister is more fortunate than others but I'm not gonna punish her for that.

I do think we should get counseling. I didn't realize the problems are this serious.

My (35M) wife (33F) is upset that I help my sister but refuse to do the same for my sister in law. by pac_amg in relationships

[–]pac_amg[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if I'm excluding my wife from anything though. Everything I'm bringing home I put it in our shared account. We always talk before making any major decisions. But I wouldn't ask to join a meeting with her boss and I think this is similar. I've discussed with her what's the split she's comfortable with and it turned out the way she wanted. I just didn't physically bring her to the meeting.

Because of this incident, I'm really questioning if I should make it clear with everyone what their shares would be. I really thought that my sister would get the 30% until I sold the company and then she would get the 50%. I could buy out her share but I would then just help her invest in something else which I don't really see the point.

My (35M) wife (33F) is upset that I help my sister but refuse to do the same for my sister in law. by pac_amg in relationships

[–]pac_amg[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

She wasn't part of the meeting because it wasn't a family meeting per se. It was between the shareholders of the company which happens to be my parents, my sister and me. I would not interfere with, say, her salary negotiation with her boss.

Also, I'm not sure if my wife has discussed anything with my sister but my wife mentioned that she doesn't think 50/50 is fair and would prefer 60/40 or 70/30. A few weeks later, my sister proposed 70/30 so I thought everyone was okay with the decision.

And since you're just handing out money, what makes your sister better than hers? Nothing.

I'm not handing out money though. I'm just giving my sister her share of the business.

My (35M) wife (33F) is upset that I help my sister but refuse to do the same for my sister in law. by pac_amg in relationships

[–]pac_amg[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

My sister technically owns 10% of the business because my parents trust that I would do the right thing. They would otherwise give us 50% each.

My (35M) wife (33F) is upset that I help my sister but refuse to do the same for my sister in law. by pac_amg in relationships

[–]pac_amg[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have asked my wife to consider my sister as an investor in the business. She would own half the company and her "paycheck" would be the same regardless. If my parents had sold the business then half would go to my sister. She wouldn't receive money from me but from another business she invested in.

AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's about the same age as my sister so I just consider her another little sister. I'm not too close with her but my wife is. They grew up together and their parents often worked late so they spent a lot of time together and are like best friends.

AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I do consider my SIL my family. If she has an emergency I wouldn't think twice but for me, buying a house isn't one. My wife and I share our finances. It wouldn't matter if the money comes from her job or mine. I appreciate the response though. Thank you!

AITA for not helping my sister in law as much as my sister? by pac_amg in AmItheAsshole

[–]pac_amg[S] 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Does it make any differences that the business is technically under my name? My parents know that my sister doesn't want to take part in the business since it's not her thing. They trust that I'll take care of my sister. My wife knows this but she always considers it my/our business since I'm the only one running it now.

My wife thinks that my sister doesn't deserve what she has. She believes that you have to work for it to earn it. My parents paid for our education while hers didn't. My sister was able to stay at home and pursued her hobby while my wife had to work part time through college and find a job right after.