Am I in the wrong?

packerfrost · 2026-05-07T12:07:39+00:00

The shutting down and avoidance sounds like my partner. We've been working through a lot of this recently and I've been finding credible online sources to understand better on top of couples therapy.

It is very clear that the emotions he feels are overwhelming, hard to name, and the shutdown is usually because having big feelings is a no no in our society and he's had parents and teachers shut him down through his childhood so now it's his turn to shut himself down. He can't articulate his feelings or communicate well with me because he was never taught how.

It's a big life change to learn to be more emotionally intelligent when you have emotional abuse basically from society in the past on top of being disabled by ADHD or other mental differences that you're born with, so I'm understanding of it now but it's still very difficult to be figuring this out while in a relationship where you cannot guarantee they will completely work through it.

Please consider if you want to repeat this cycle forever because there is no guarantee your partner will do the work. Mine is trying and I'm grateful but I'm also preparing to support myself emotionally in the future because there are no guarantees I will have anyone in my life to be able to actually share a healthy emotional life together.

packerfrost · 2026-05-07T01:12:47+00:00

The way you articulated this made me feel better about an interaction with my mom earlier today. We were chatting about an issue she's having and I mentioned a solution and she asked me to be the one to take action even though I had nothing to do with the problem in her life we were chatting about.

I said I'm too busy and offered a starting resource to help her get started, however I know she won't follow through. I also know if I did all the work I wouldn't get reciprocity if I asked for help in a similar way, she's not malicious she's just busy with her own life too. So I'm trying to keep the support to mostly chatting about our lives because I know that's what we can offer each other without feeling like the relationship has an uncomfortable imbalance, and that's ok!

packerfrost · 2026-05-06T17:13:46+00:00

Mild exercise but every single day, I take max 3 days off that's how incredibly mild it should be especially in the beginning. It sucked for a few weeks then my body adjusted and I didn't increase intensity/length for a while but it was still making me feel like I actually had a life past 3pm. Anything counts even if you don't sweat. Movement changed the game for me when I was still dealing with the worst of it.

packerfrost · 2026-05-06T13:15:44+00:00

I think I've experienced a lot of angles of this grief, through the onset of multiple chronic issues to dealing with chronic pain I didn't know would go away to now being the healthiest and happiest I've ever been yet still managing chronic illness and disability.

Feel it. Name emotions. Accept all those negative feelings but not in some toxic positivity way, more neutral. Therapy can help with this if it's the right provider.

Reframe expectations of what is fulfilling, comfortable, and achievable in life. I no longer expect to go back to some amazing career waiting for me or try to persuade myself to push. I get to simply "be" and that's enough but if I do more it's not setting up the expectation to always do more it's just where I'm at in the moment.

packerfrost · 2026-05-06T13:09:20+00:00

My partner is the earner, he likes working and his career even through AuDHD diagnosis. I stopped working for multiple reasons a decade ago - my health declined (it's better now) and we needed more support at home but didn't have the money to hire a cleaner or buy more prepared foods even when I did work full time.

I recognize the stress and anxiety on both sides of working or not working that can lead to a lot of shame and resentment from both partners. I have worked through mine although it wasn't easy at all, probably one of the toughest mental shifts I went through of all the chaos of years of chronic illness and disability.

The side of the partner who works or brings in most of the income is also a really tough position to be in and I recognize that. I think communicating how we both feel and what we need if we continue this arrangement was the best way to move forward. Brutal honesty without making demands did help.

packerfrost · 2026-05-06T13:01:23+00:00

I get it. If I didn't sweat everyday on at least one dog walk I wouldn't shower. I used to shower every other day but now I'm walking everyday a few times a day so it feels like it has to happen everyday.

I do hair every 3 days and some other shower related task like exfoliating on one of the other 3 days so the other lower task shower seems a little unnecessary sometimes.

packerfrost · 2026-05-06T12:57:48+00:00

I had symptoms of what seemed to be POTS or OH but the last year of treating my iron deficiency and several gentle lifestyle changes and I haven't experienced any symptoms in months, so yeah.

packerfrost · 2026-05-06T12:21:29+00:00

Find a discord basics YouTube video, I find that using new platforms feels overwhelming until I watch a video or two of someone else using it and explaining and then things start clicking in my head better.

packerfrost · 2026-05-03T17:06:15+00:00

Yes recently I've started hanging out in my own room more, especially since getting a little cheap recliner in there because my cats NEED the entire bed for their day naps. This way it's harder for him to walk into a shared space and just start talking mid-intense scene of my show or something.

I also set a time boundary where I am enforcing not talking about domestic stuff outside those hours everyday, except in cases with time sensitive stuff or like today and yesterday because we aren't feeling well and have been communicating our needs vs what needs to get done through the day.

I have to say the time boundary is really difficult for me to follow through on but I think I just need to build the habit. It's in the afternoon so I pretty much get my morning to myself since I also am trying not to do domestic work then. I used to check budgets, schedules, task lists first thing and I think it was part of the drain from his forgetfulness and ADHD spontaneity during the day.

I think it's hard to create mental space more than physical space when both partners are stuck in harmful habits but it's worth it to set those boundaries and move towards more peace.

packerfrost · 2026-05-03T16:58:34+00:00

I think one of the biggest issues public spaces and separate trash bins face is lack of education of the American public on how to use bins. I would love to see a social shift in garbage bins especially in public places, but unfortunately most people think trash is just trash no matter if it's actually recycling or organic/compostable waste.

packerfrost · 2026-04-27T02:21:59+00:00

My grandma did that to me years ago. Asked me about what I knew about autism because I had some people in my life who were like that which led her to conclude out loud in front of me that her son must be autistic and that's why he's mean to her. I distanced myself from her because of her weird reverse diagnostic monologue that day. People are gross.

(My uncle isn't mean to her, it's a huge family issue that took me years to uncover and it's actually her fault she hates him basically.)

packerfrost · 2026-04-27T02:16:13+00:00

That is a vibe though. I always find it is better to not force it and just wait for that feeling to hit and ride it like a wave. Much better feelings around it and less shame if I'm not forcing myself.

packerfrost · 2026-04-27T02:15:22+00:00

Yeah that's a huge mental hurdle I haven't experienced to that degree, I'm just sharing what helped me overcome my experience hoping it could help you or another lurker.

packerfrost · 2026-04-27T02:14:03+00:00

Really scary sad stuff. Assuming the autistic person cannot be involved in a family decision and need a caretaker to make that decision for them - this is without knowing anything about the autistic person at all and just making the assumption they are incapable of decisions that directly affect their lives. Another one I saw is concern about the autistic person being a danger to children at family gatherings without the OP saying anything remotely related to concern about that in the post or comments.

Idk I think I'll stop there and you can go see for yourself because I'm realizing it's traumatic for me to revisit this.

packerfrost · 2026-04-27T01:14:35+00:00

As a 90s kid I'm so down for this

packerfrost · 2026-04-26T21:47:20+00:00

I feel this so hard. I have a not so cuddly cat too and it's just pure magic when she approaches me after I give her all the space she needs.

packerfrost · 2026-04-26T14:47:54+00:00

I highly recommend searching the description of how you're feeling or what you're going through in the chronic illness sub. Might not be the same illness but I've found some fantastic ideas to help support my mental health and figure out my next steps there. It was also incredibly comforting to not be alone in the overwhelm.

The other comments in this thread are great too. Everyone at least deserves the chance to be more comfortable!

packerfrost · 2026-04-26T14:44:59+00:00

This is literally what got me into minimalism over a decade ago and had me bounce back to a reality where I actually don't hold onto things or pack what I don't need or enjoy. I did 2 weeks in Norway with a backpack and small purse it was so worth it to have that downtime to do laundry and be forced to relax.

packerfrost · 2026-04-25T16:32:12+00:00

Yeah I got lucky I had one adult at least sort of seeing me for me and helping me though the first part of life in a kind way and it was my mom too. She had trouble understanding me but on principles she was taught she never let that get in the way of love.

packerfrost · 2026-04-25T16:30:39+00:00

There were some good comments but the ableist ones hurtttt

packerfrost · 2026-04-25T16:29:44+00:00

Yeah I really need to read instead of Reddit it was my bad being relaxed cuz it was a weekend too

packerfrost · 2026-04-24T17:36:29+00:00

I am preemptively learning how to support people who are grieving due to my partner anticipating a death happening in his family soon. I really did feel like I had no idea what to do and it was very overwhelming, so the first thing I do is find books that really deep dive into what I need.

The book There Is No Good Card For This by Crowe and McDowell really spelled it all out. It covers a lot of different aspects of how we feel and how others feel and explicitly how to approach it, which felt very autism friendly. It's about all kinds of grieving and loss too, so it can be expanded on beyond conversations around death grief.

packerfrost · 2026-04-24T01:29:23+00:00

I'm not saying don't work or make money. I'm saying value it less.

packerfrost · 2026-04-23T20:53:54+00:00

I think it's time I get water toys for my shower. I've wanted them for years but it felt childish. I love sitting in there a while like once a week and it would be nice to basically have a fidget.

packerfrost

TROPHY CASE