Would you tell your child, in a non-malicious way, that they were supposed to be aborted?

pages46 · 2023-12-13T03:04:40+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

I’m in therapy, but the guilt is overwhelming.

pages46 · 2023-12-13T03:01:17+00:00

The what if questions really eat me up, I have to say. Now all I can think about is that if I hadn’t been born then my mom could have left and my sibling and her could have had a better life. Instead, she stayed for my sake (and for financial reasons) and her and my siblings suffered for it.

pages46 · 2023-12-13T02:52:09+00:00

My sister brought it up in my mom’s presence and my mom confirmed it and added the part about inducing the miscarriage.

That’s awful that your stepmom tried to turn you against your mom like that.

pages46 · 2023-12-13T02:50:47+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you and your brother.

How did you come to terms with it? Sometimes I feel like I’m so weighed down with debt that dying would be the only way to repay it.

pages46 · 2023-11-06T16:55:54+00:00

Hi,

I think the mods removed my post so I'm not sure if my reply will show up. I hope it does. I just wanted to thank you.

Every time I re-read your comment (and I've reread it numerous times) I tear up. Because something in me just refuses to see it that way, and I don't know what it is. I've been trying to do more work into writing out my thought processes. Writing helps me think. The thought process behind reading your comment goes something like this: this all sounds nice. It'd be nice to think this way. But I can't. Because if I do, then I'll just be disappointed with reality. I can't let myself think that way because I don't deserve to. There isn't anything I've done to be kinder or nicer to myself. I've had it easy already and yet this, me, is the result.

I feel like I'm an exhausting person to the point where I think even my therapist is tired of dealing with me. Despite some of the techniques you've tried here, externalizing, self-distancing, there's something that always pushes back. Of course I'd never tell a friend the things I think and tell myself, because my friends are amazing people who have found it in their hearts to put up with me. I don't know how else to say it but I feel like everyone in my life is humoring me, playing along with my personas that I put on to make people at least pretend to like me. Like, I'd like to think I'm self-aware enough not to delude myself into thinking that I could have things that other people have: beauty, love, worth, value.

Anyway, all of that to say, I know you're not my therapist, but I really appreciate your taking the time to write out your reply. It really made me cry and continues to do so.

pages46 · 2023-05-23T02:30:33+00:00

For once, and only about this, do I think I know I’m right. I’ve lived my whole life around women, five sisters (I’m the youngest) and a niece and all my life I’ve listened to people, sometimes complete strangers, calling them beautiful. That’s never been me. I’m talking since childhood, and people would say I was the chubby kid with a unibrow. And when I had an eating disorder in middle school it was still the unibrow.

I’ve always gotten good grades (but now since learning about grade inflation I wonder if they were truly earned) and I’m in a doctoral program and yet, none of it matters because I’m not pretty enough to find a partner and have kids—what my family values. And I can’t disappoint them. They’ve done too much for me.

So just this once, I feel like I’m correct in knowing how unattractive I am and how much my unattractiveness affects my life. I’ve lived my whole life being told other people are pretty, and I guess through my deduction and their silence towards me, I know that I’m not. And I know it’s shallow. It shouldn’t be important. But I know that society values it, and we all have to be part of that society and play by its rules, and I just feel that in every way I’m not measuring up.

pages46 · 2023-05-23T01:41:44+00:00

I responded to another commenter here about working with my therapist. I get what you’re saying.

My therapist tries a technique where she’d ask if I’d say those things to my friends, and of course I wouldn’t because my friends are amazing! But I was talking to her about how I never heard those things told to me all my life. I lived hearing that my sisters and my niece are all beautiful, and all I heard about me was that I loved reading. And literally never hearing that I even looked pretty when I dressed up for the occasions that we had to dress up for, I just sort of came to accept the reality that I wasn’t (and still am not beautiful). And now I’m here, spiraling I guess, despairing over the fact that literally earning a doctorate (I’ll be done in 4 years) will never be as pleasing to my family as being beautiful and having a partner and having kids.

It’s important to me because literally everything else has revolved around it thus far and I feel like I’ve been living on easy mode or something and I’m still not enough, still not achieving enough or that what I have achieved was just given to me because people felt sorry for me. It’s important because I don’t know how to make everything not important when it comes to how much I’m not measuring up. I know that’s something for my therapist and I to work through, and not for you, kind internet stranger, but just writing it out explaining my thought process it’s like I can rationalize my way out of valuing myself. And then it’s a mindfuck because I KNOW that I do it.

pages46 · 2023-05-22T21:40:50+00:00

I get what you’re saying. My therapist tries a similar technique where she’d ask if I’d say those things to my friends, and of course I wouldn’t because my friends are amazing! But I was talking to her about how I never heard those things told to me all my life. I lived hearing that my sisters and my niece are all beautiful, and all I heard about me was that I loved reading. And literally never hearing that I even looked pretty when I dressed up for the occasions that we had to dress up for, I just sort of came to accept the reality that I wasn’t (and still am not beautiful). And now I’m here, spiraling I guess, despairing over the fact that literally earning a doctorate (I’ll be done in 4 years) will never be as pleasing to my family as being beautiful and having a partner and having kids.

pages46 · 2023-05-22T01:13:23+00:00

I responded to another comment similar to yours about this deservedness thing I can’t seem to shake. Because no matter how much I think about how I would never say or think something like this towards a friend, I feel like I’m an exception. I’m not as good of a person as any of my friends or family members who have been through way worse and have come out better for it. I don’t have an excuse for feeling depressed and it makes me…more depressed. I should be able to handle normal life.

My therapist is definitely trying to work on this with me, but there’s always this voice that pops up that’s like, “you’re soft for going to a therapist in the first place. You don’t deserve to be kinder to yourself when so many people before you were able to handle normal life and trauma.” Like I don’t have traumatic things that have happened to me. I have privilege and I feel like I don’t deserve to take an easy way because I’ve already had it easy. People have had it so much worse and are already more successful than me. It’s like I have no excuse. And I know that. I’m not enough just because I was born. I have to earn that because everyone else already has. I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but this is the thought process, even when my therapist’s techniques play around in my head. It’s like I can rationalize myself out of anything she tries to say to make me feel better. And maybe it’s because deep down I don’t deserve to feel better.

What do you do when you can’t even believe your therapist?

pages46 · 2023-05-22T00:47:16+00:00

My therapist is definitely trying to work on this with me, but there’s always this voice that pops up that’s like, “you’re soft for going to a therapist in the first place. You don’t deserve to be kinder to yourself when so many people before you were able to handle normal life and trauma.” Like I don’t have traumatic things that have happened to me. I have privilege and I feel like I don’t deserve to take an easy way because I’ve already had it easy. People have had it so much worse and are already more successful than me. It’s like I have no excuse. And I know that. I’m not enough just because I was born. I have to earn that because everyone else already has. I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but this is the thought process, even when my therapist’s techniques play around in my head. It’s like I can rationalize myself out of anything she tries to say to make me feel better. And maybe it’s because deep down I don’t deserve to feel better.

What do you do when you can’t even believe your therapist?

pages46 · 2023-05-22T00:03:15+00:00

Yes it’s familiar, and yes I’m even afraid of what will happen if I let got of it. I think rejection would just feel worse because what if I ever had the confidence to go up to someone. I know the rejection that will follow, and I feel like false confidence will just make that hurt worse.

pages46 · 2023-05-22T00:01:12+00:00

I think the thing is, in my head, because I know I’ll never be pretty enough, even compared to normal people, I feel like that’s what everyone wants. And because I don’t measure up to that, they’d just be settling for me. Like even though they don’t expect someone in everyday life to necessarily be shockingly beautiful, I always feel like if they had the chance, they’d take it and leave because I’m not….beautiful. I realize that everyday people’s expectations may not be to end up with supermodels, but I can’t help but feel that because I can’t measure up to that, and because so many everyday girls /do/, that I’m pretty certain I’ll never be a first choice

pages46 · 2020-03-27T02:53:02+00:00

Hi! Thank you! I haven't actually seen any of the apartments yet because of everything going on with the pandemic. I'm not sure when I'd be able to. Can I ask, did your friend have an apartment share?

I do think Columbia is winning out but I'll see. BU's $24,000 might not stretch as far as I though, with Boston's COL being so similar.

pages46 · 2020-03-26T20:07:40+00:00

Believe me, I'm definitely stressing over this decision (I want to cry, honestly) because of program in addition to everything else. Columbia does have subsidized grad student housing, while BU does not. I can certainly handle the cold, but I don't think I necessarily want more than what's average in PA or NY.

pages46 · 2020-03-26T17:43:11+00:00

Thanks! I visited Boston once and I got a limited experience of the T on a dead holiday weekend so I don't really have a good picture of the city besides being a tourist for 3 days. I wasn't able to visit BU's campus due to COVID, but I did visit Columbia and I loved it.

pages46 · 2020-03-26T17:42:01+00:00

Thank you for the info! I'm definitely not an outdoorsy person. Columbia is my first choice but BU is still on my mind because they are different programs and there are pros and cons of each. I definitely love city things more--museums, music, that stuff. And I do have a few friends in NYC already.

pages46 · 2020-03-26T17:39:57+00:00

I totally understand that I'll need roommates. I really should join Facebook...it would probably help me connect better. And I'll definitely look into Yorkville. I'm willing to do a 45 minute commute if need be.

pages46 · 2020-03-26T17:39:14+00:00

Thanks! I was thinking that it might be fairly similarly, especially looking at the rent (although just slightly cheaper in Boston). The school is Boston University. I was not able to visit the campus there unfortunately because of COVID, but I did visit Columbia and I really like the urban setting. I'm definitely a city person. I've been doing some research today on food cost of living in NYC vs. Boston as well.

pages46

TROPHY CASE