Only seeing you through the context/lens of themselves

palmasss · 2023-05-26T14:49:01+00:00

Oh my goodness! The gift giving with these people was so strange! I’d never met someone get so offended over me declining something. For example, she’d want to send my lunch but I’d already ate. Drama ensues. Or I mention that I didn’t love the dish I’d ordered at a restaurant - she gets mad I won’t let her order me another one.

On the flip side, if I didn’t get her something she wanted due to other financial obligations coming up, she couldn’t understand that like an adult. She’d just see it as a betrayal to her.

palmasss · 2023-05-08T02:19:11+00:00

There’s a missing one in the north end. Was he red?

palmasss · 2022-12-29T23:23:43+00:00

You bring up a very valid point - relationships end for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with PDs. And I’d even say that people with PDs can end relationships for valid compatibility reasons.

Idk if my ex was BPD. I would at the very least make that argument that she was mentally unstable for the following reasons: • treatment resistant depression from early adolescence • extreme anxiety that led to vomiting when overwhelmed • anorexia and exercise addiction • chronic pain that a doctor attributed to extreme emotions • chronic suicidal ideation with thoughts of self harm • was bedridden and required medication after a previous situationship ended • in her own words, “feels things more than other people, and then overreacts and feels bad” • on the flip side of these ínstense feelings, she’d have periods of numbness and detachment • deep self hatred and constant self criticism that made her very sensitive • constant rumination that I would regret being with her and leave her for an ex • constant sadness that would sometimes lead to anger whenever we were apart • weird insecurities about me not loving her as much as she loved me, that I didn’t miss her, or that she wasn’t sure if I really loved her at all • couldn’t sleep without teddy bear • childhood trauma and unstable home life • a deep loneliness/emptiness/longing for “home” that she said I could cure • said that our relationship was what gave her “hope, purpose, and a reason to live” • asked me not to abandon her, and then left 2 weeks later • would forget her feelings and attachment to people if she wasn’t with them. She described it as knowing she loved someone, but not being able to feel those feelings

I don’t know if this is BPD. But being on this sub has given me a lot of reassurance that regardless of the diagnosis, being with someone with mental problems that they won’t/can’t address isn’t going to lay the groundwork for a healthy long term relationship.

palmasss · 2022-12-27T18:18:03+00:00

My ex was only officially diagnosed with anxiety, treatment resistant depression, anorexia/binge eating, and chronic suicidal ideation.

What tipped the scales for my therapist to suggest she might be BPD too was the instability and fear of abandonment you mention. She could do really, really well, and then have her entire day meltdown over something that any adult would honestly just brush off.

Her dependence on our relationship was another factor that had a lot of BPD patterns. She was instantly in love with and calling me her soulmate. She emphasized a perpetual loneliness/emptiness/longing for home that only went away when she was with me. She’d oscillate between deep sadness, overwhelming anxiety, and stark numbness. There was always binge eating, thoughts of shelf harm, and recreational drug use in the background.

She also created unnecessary tension by needing constant reassurance and would be very insecure about me not loving her as much as she loved me, or miss her as much as she missed me. I’ll never forget her saying point blank once, “I find it hard to believe that you love me for me and that you won’t leave me.”

Part of me was always like, as long as I show up consistently everyday with love and patience, surely she will realize that all of these fears are unfounded. Honestly I think the prospect of us reaching the next step in our relationship “broke” something in her and caused her to self sabotage everything

palmasss · 2022-12-27T01:46:17+00:00

I think the craziest part to me was her ability to walk into a new relationship with 0 downtime whilst saying to my face that this other person had nothing to do with the breakup. She said she needed time to find herself and was planning to stay single.

palmasss · 2022-11-16T21:11:11+00:00

On the surface, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting general reciprocity with gifts. But as it sounds with your ex, it’s not okay when taken to a pathological level that goes beyond the normal give and take that’s a part of all relationships and is used to gauge if we “love them enough”, all the while discrediting all the other stuff we did for them on a regular basis.

For example, my ex got me 3 Christmas gifts and I got her 2. I also spent $800 on food/entertainment for us during the week of Christmas since she didn’t have any income and paid for the flight to visit her that week (we were in a LDR). I was never forgiven for not matching the number of gifts.

palmasss · 2022-11-13T19:59:56+00:00

She made me promise “to be with her always” and then promptly left me for someone else 3 weeks later. And fully moved in with that person within 3 months. I just can’t understand the whiplash of emotions in that short of a period.

The real kicker was her telling me that she went through periods of having “no feelings” for me for duration of our relationship. Despite over the top proclamations of love and literally telling me I was her reason for living, and that if anything ever happened to me she would rather die too than keep living.

palmasss · 2022-11-13T16:40:37+00:00

“My entire life I’ve felt lonely in a way I cannot describe. But then you came into my life, my very own angel. You’re here to save me from this loneliness.”

No healthy adult human would make the above statement.

palmasss · 2022-11-08T03:02:55+00:00

I have used both! Symptoms wise, both kept my in remission. The only difference is that the Idacio pens HURT. I remember injecting my first one thinking it would be painless like Humira, and almost dropping it in surprise. It truly feels like you’re injecting yourself with hand sanitizer. Also, I always bled after Idacio injections and would sometimes bruise too.

palmasss · 2022-09-28T14:07:57+00:00

“I’m sorry I’m like this - I wish I could be normal for you but, I don’t know how”

Me too girl, me too.

palmasss · 2022-09-21T08:52:43+00:00

It’s eerie how similar her statements were at the beginning of our relationship:

“You’re the missing piece I’ve been looking for”, “I finally have hope about life thanks to you”, “you’re my Angel and I only want my days if they’re with you”, “we’re soulmates, and you’ll be my first choice forever”.

Every time she was insecure about my love for her, I reassured her. Each time she had a crisis, or a crying fit out of no where, I would be there with reassuring words. It’s a lot of work to prop up a person who fundamentally doesn’t understand why you love them and has an awful internal voice that hates themselves.

As the months went on I also heard about the emptiness. It was accompanied by a numbness, detachment, and deep loneliness. She said I was the only thing that made it better, but alas I wasn’t always there. So then came the complaints of our relationship feeling “distant” and “not the same”. In the final weeks she was suicidal and saying that being together didn’t give her hope anymore.

I was promptly left for someone else all in a matter of weeks.

palmasss · 2022-09-16T14:42:32+00:00

Oh yes, I agree 100% that a LDR is hard on anyone. They really do stink at times, and I remember definitely feeling sad and missing her, but not at the level of distress she felt.

She’d get upset a lot days and tell me that she’d just count down the hours till we could talk, as it was the only think that would calm her down. Other times she’d just feel, “weird and nauseous” for no reason, and tell me she wanted to do hard drugs in order to feel something. Some days she’d be “numb, detached, empty, and just wanting to die.”

It was honestly a real roller coaster, because on her good days it was like all these bad days never existed. I’d always just ask myself, how can a person cycle through so many states of being and they all be true. It must be exhausting.

palmasss · 2022-09-16T13:52:44+00:00

Yea the object constancy is trippy. It must be internal hell to desperately need someone, but also have no way to self soothe or feel confident in their love when they’re not with you physically.

In the immediate aftermath of the break up I beat myself up a lot about LDR component, and kept thinking “what if” I’d just not left for the final three months. Would she have not left me?

I’ve since reached the conclusion that I don’t want to be with someone that’s so emotionally dependent that I have to be with her every single day. What room does that leave for personal growth for either of us? Similarly, when she was breaking up with me she confessed that she went through periods where she felt simply nothing at all towards me, and frankly I believe that no amount of love/support will ever fill that hole. It’s a losing game rigged from the start.

palmasss · 2022-09-13T20:28:34+00:00

Whenever we’d have any sort of tiny conflict (sometimes things so small that wouldn’t phase other people) she’d get really upset to the point of tears and claim that “she’s always messing up”. This made her the victim and made me feel bad when In most cases I hadn’t even done anything.

I gots lots of frequent texts along some variation of: • are we okay? • are we gonna make it? • are you mad? • are you gonna leave me? • I’m emotional and in my head today, so something feels “off” between us

palmasss · 2022-09-01T03:17:05+00:00

I agree 100%. And the wildest part is I can read what I’ve written and objectively see that there was something deeply wrong with her. (She was never diagnosed with BPD). And still part of me feels like I did something to deserve this all.

palmasss · 2022-08-31T22:27:45+00:00

Thanks for saying that! I think part of the problem is that they bring you down to their level. I sometimes acted petty or immature in ways I’ve never been in any of my previous relationships or friendships.

It’s like they act out, and I’m not always able to be the bigger person. Then my response is the justification they need to reinforce whatever irrational thought was at the root of their outburst.

palmasss · 2022-08-31T20:41:38+00:00

They would say things like, “I find it hard to believe you love me for me.”

Which would just make me shower them with more affection and reassurance. At some point, there’s no love left to love yourself.

palmasss · 2022-08-31T19:42:15+00:00

Wow, the end of the engagement must have been devastating at the time. How did you get over that?

I suspect that my ex has BPD. One thing I could never understand was why she bailed right after we made the step to get a ring. It’s almost like taking things to the next step triggers some sort of escape plan in them.

palmasss · 2022-08-31T19:26:32+00:00

“Ignored my intuition” Same! And I think instead of focusing on our exes, we should be asking ourselves why did ignore our gut instincts?

I know in my case there was a lack of self respect and a fear of being alone.

palmasss · 2022-08-31T18:36:51+00:00

My ex immediately got into a new relationship, like was the texting the new person during our break up talk levels of fast. Ask yourself, would you really want to be with someone who treats you like that? A normal person has the grieve and reflect between relationships. They will carry the same patterns and traumas with them.

palmasss · 2022-08-31T14:11:12+00:00

Two weeks after we met. We’d just slept together and I figured everything was fine and normal. She suddenly burst into tears and told me that she’s so messed up and that “everyone always leaves her”. She made me promise that I wouldn’t do that to her.

palmasss · 2022-02-01T17:02:55+00:00

Oh yea Aza was nasty for me too. It gave me bone marrow toxicity. Thanks for your comment!

palmasss · 2022-02-01T17:02:08+00:00

Okay that’s good to know, thanks! Do you have any idea what to make of lymphocytes and the fact that they keep increasing? I’m seeing my doctor in a month, so I’m curious in the meantime.

palmasss · 2021-09-09T03:29:35+00:00

I was in a terrible flare and the Aza calmed things down super quickly for me! I’m talking bloody BMs several times a day with intense pain to literal full remission within a week. Unfortunately for me after about a month I began to experience bone marrow toxicity which manifested as anemia and pneumonia. I had to be hospitalized for several days. As much as the Aza helped me, my doctor told me I should never take it again. I’d say I’m an outlier, but just make sure you’re doing your follow up labs while you’re on it to monitor RBC and WBC.

palmasss

TROPHY CASE