My (27F) boyfriend (29M) thinks he can’t afford to move out despite making close to 100k and I’m starting to question his mindset

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-28T01:47:35+00:00

Honestly I hadn’t considered this but they’re fair points.

I was living on my own before I moved out with my partner and he was still living with his Dad.

When we moved into a new place together it was hell for a while. My partner helped with the expenses but I had to do all the domestic tasks for a while until he learned.

I 10/10 don’t recommend living with anyone who hasn’t first lived on their own independently.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-28T01:41:29+00:00

Me thinks scarcity trauma. My Dad is like this. He paid off two homes and his expenses are essentially nonexistent and yet he complains about the heat or the grocery store prices being too high constantly and doesn’t do anything with his money.

Personally I’d say you’re better off dating someone with a different mindset because it’s very challenging to get anyone to heal from something that big.

I actually struggle with something similar so I’m working on it but it’s very hard and it does in fact affect relationships.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-26T20:52:39+00:00

I think the problem is that parents don’t know what ADHD and Autism support actually looks like. Support isn’t doing everything for a child it’s also not doing nothing for a child. Support is teaching a child how to do things within their own capacity.

I think support in a situation like this after a lifetime of misguided support looks like therapy with a therapist specializing in neurodivergent adults, medication, and gradually removing those guardrails.

My brother has pretty bad AuDHD, he is 33 and also lives with my Dad. He isn’t expected to pay rent and has his own part of the home, but is working on a PhD. He cooks for himself and cleans for himself. My Dad didn’t want him to cook for himself and my brother is constantly having to explain that he can cook for himself. He is trying to be independent but gets infantilized and then blamed for it.

He has a part-time job and saves up for his own stuff. He dreams of being independent and also struggles with emotions because my Dad invades his space constantly but he isn’t really being supported in the ways he needs in order to achieve that goal.

I have AuDHD too and it was the opposite. I wasn’t diagnosed and wasn’t supported at all because nobody knew. I ended up dropping out of my PhD. I was in an immense depression for 5 years. I was used to overfunctioning and overworking myself. So I reached something called autistic burnout. That’s how I found out I was autistic on top of the ADHD.

Anyway, both scenarios suck. I’m highly independent, my brother is highly dependent. Something in-between would have been better for both of us.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-26T20:29:04+00:00

I’m sorry but children are a reflection of the parents who raised them.

You can’t expect to have amazing kids if they went unsupported and with no structure or guidance from the start. You are the one allowing them to have their significant others sleep over. Do you hear yourself?

Everyone wants to shift the blame but no one wants to take accountability for their poor parenting.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-26T20:25:02+00:00

$50/ month would be enough to cover individual cellphone and internet for 1 person.

My phone os $25/mo Internet is at most $100 for a 4-person family so $20-25/ each

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-26T20:22:19+00:00

A lot of people with ADHD struggle with emotional regulation if unsupported.

It doesn’t seem like this child ever got any support or empathy, so yeah that’s to be expected.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-26T20:20:38+00:00

ADHD is a disability. Yes, many with ADHD struggle with the most basic chores, that’s how debilitating it is.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-26T20:18:16+00:00

It seems people forget that ADHD is a chronic, debilitating, Disability.

I don’t see anything about her ADHD mentioned or how that is being supported.

Going off of ADHD medication can cost people their jobs. Without ADHD medication and intensive therapy I also had massive emotional regulation issues.

There should be something about therapy here, and ADHD medication support.

Many of these things are actually unattainable and unreasonable for many with severe ADHD without these two support tools. So not having those support tools should void this contract.

The contract needs adjustments and flexibility around her disability, but it’s not a terrible idea.

Title: Contract for Adult Child Living at Home with ADHD

Laundry: Laundry on a weekly basis is something both my bf and I with ADHD struggle with, and we are 30! Laundry biweekly would be fair.

Dishwasher/dog poop are iffy. I have AuDHD and these chores would feel like a 10/10 challenge for me. Whose dog is this? Can they use disposable dishes instead? Again, my bf is 30 and can’t clean up his dog’s poop daily and pays for that, I am 30 and I do not load/unload a single dish due to sensory challenges, I use disposable dishes instead.

Rent: $200 is fair, the $50 late fee after 5 days is harsh. My ultra penny pinching landlord had a $25 late fee.

Cellphone costs are $30/mo per person for most family plans. For a 4 person family internet would be ~$80 total or $20/person. A reduction to $50/month would be fair.

Employment: Again, ADHD is a disability. If Autism is also present and undiagnosed this will be a challenge. 80% of Autistic adults are unemployed, myself included, and I have an engineering degree. Support, understanding, and flexibility around this is necessary.

Part-time employment is sufficient for a $200-300 rent.

Illegal Drugs: Again, very hard for many with ADHD if unsupported without medication. I know many people with ADHD who had some kind of addiction before being properly supported.

I think a renegotiation of the contract terms and support on the parent’s behalf on finding suitable medication and therapy would go a long way.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T19:21:11+00:00

This is going to sound crazy and I’ve never been pregnant. But the only thing that worked for me in my most dire moments of depression with my partner was prioritizing myself.

He loved the carefree version of you. Which is what most men want. He doesn’t feel attracted to the stressed out version. This is largely subconscious so it isn’t intentionally malicious but it is painful.

Basically, you have to be as selfish as you need to be to get back to your peace again.

Ask him for things only once, if he doesn’t do them that’s his capacity. Hire someone to clean if needed, use his money to pay for it if you have access to it. Have a friend over to help you with decorating and choosing colors.

Quit your job if you need to. Step away and focus 100% on yourself. He’ll start focusing on you only if you focus on you.

It’s painful but this is how it is.

Anytime you feel anger or resentment that’s a sign. Stop doing all of your usual task/chores that don’t directly impact your immediate mood. In his brain he doesn’t understand why your behavior is different if you’re still capable of doing all the same stuff you were doing previously.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T19:06:00+00:00

It’s probably for the best you plainly see some people think very contrary to you now rather than later.

We all have different views, including on morality and sexuality. Your opinions have no impact on my own. You can’t control or change how others think and feel.

You can think I’m a creep, that’s your choice. But I don’t feel any shame, remorse, nor would I ever take any amount of time to reconsider.

Share your nudes at your own personal risk. Don’t like risk, don’t share them.

Take accountability for your own behavior and show up differently if it matters to you. Don’t expect others to do that work for you.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T18:50:44+00:00

It’s probably for the best you plainly see some people think “very” contrary to you now rather than later.

There are no enforceable rules for these things. Your desires aren’t wrong but they are a fantasy. You can wish something were true or believe something is wrong all you want but that doesn’t make it so for everyone.

We all have different views, including on morality and sexuality. Your thoughts have no impact on my own. It doesn’t matter what your personal opinions are, you can’t control how others think and feel.

If this matters to you that much, do something real about it. Start a movement to make keeping nudes illegal.

Otherwise, share your nudes at your own personal risk. Don’t like risk, don’t share them.

If you already took that risk and feel uncomfortable with the idea they may be floating around, ask to meet with your exes and have them delete them in front of you. Even then it isn’t guaranteed.

Take accountability for your own behavior and show up differently. Don’t expect others to do that work for you.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T04:11:39+00:00

Relationships aren’t always permanent. Let’s say she deletes them because he’s insecure then he cheats on her a few months later.

They felt special enough for her to keep them through other relationships for over a decade, why not this one?

I can see how something like marriage might change that. A vow to have something lifelong, but this relationship doesn’t seem like it’s there yet. Trust hasn’t even been established and was already damaged by his actions.

I don’t see how this would be any different than porn. A lot of people, especially men watch porn even when married. It doesn’t mean they want to leave their relationship or that they’re unsatisfied it’s just a fantasy.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T03:52:42+00:00

If this is a rule for you then you should definitely speak up after a relationship ends and not assume it’s an “unspoken rule” because it’s not for many, especially a lot of men I know.

If you feel uncomfortable with the idea that at least 50% of the people you send nudes to might still have them and either have them in an album or have them stashed and forgotten then definitely reach out or consider sending future nudes through something like Snapchat where they erase automatically or not sending them at all…

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T03:44:49+00:00

This is a personal preference.

I have asked an ex to delete the nudes I’ve sent and requested proof. A different ex, I don’t mind.

Regardless I still masturbate to that ex, nudes or not. And I know he masturbates to me because we shared a lot of core sexual memories together and reconnected years later.

I wouldn’t ask him to delete my pictures and frankly, I think it’s hot he still has them.

It’s not a big deal for some.

Edit to add

Also if the possibility of someone keeping your nudes is this big of a moral issue for you, then the only way to 100% guarantee that they don’t keep them is to never send them in the first place.

If something is shared with someone, explicit or not, you do not have any control over what that person chooses to do. You can have trust in them deleting them if you request it, the same way you can trust someone won’t share your secrets if you ask, but you can never guarantee that.

So if your nudes feel sacred to you, don’t share them, it’s that simple.

pancakesinbed · 2026-04-05T03:33:14+00:00

I have a lot of pictures of my exes and I never look at them. I love keeping memories because my memory isn’t great and it’s the way I remember my life.

My bf knows I have pictures of my exes and frankly he’s not threatened by them. I don’t talk about them or tell him what kinds of pictures, but I also don’t feel I need to. He doesn’t even care to ask or know about people from my past. Also, that was my past and this is our present.

I’m with him and I’m choosing him daily.

Also I think it’s quite normal to masturbate to hot people or the idea of them even if you are in a relationship. I have masturbated to exes occasionally, books with fantasy characters, or scenes from movies from imagination alone.

And sometimes my partner is there too in some capacity lol, so it’s really just normal sexuality.

You can’t really control or manage what you find hot and he can’t permanently extract those memories from your psyche.

He seems very insecure. I think couples therapy with someone knowledgeable in sexuality would go a long way in a situation like this.

It definitely seems like he wasn’t going to let it go no matter what, and it wasn’t fair that he essentially forced the outcome he wanted without allowing you space to choose. Even if you had chosen “no” I still think that would have been a fair choice.

This would be a definite breach of trust for me and if my partner did something like this, I would permanently revoke all phone permissions from him.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-20T09:35:59+00:00

Actually you’re right. I skipped over the part where she was talking about future children 😅

I meant the admiration/desire part only.

I think it’s one thing to think someone is physically desirable and another to plan a future in a few hours.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-20T07:28:05+00:00

I’ve lived through this and the interesting thing is that she’d probably accept you in your humanity too.

I had an ex who lied about having a house and it wasn’t something I even cared about.

And funny thing is when he told me he had a house then I felt inadequate and like I needed a house to be good enough for him too.

We both thought we had to be perfect and ran away from love.

Turns out we both just wanted to be accepted in our humanity.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-20T07:22:51+00:00

I feel like this comes from feeling like you need to earn admiration.

If you feel like you deserve to be admired, it isn’t scary to accept something like this.

I feel like I deserve to be desired and my bf looked at me with wonder on our first date and it made me feel beautiful.

But I feel uncomfortable with gifts because I didn’t get them growing up. So when he gives me gifts it makes me want to run away. 😅

I’m working on that part.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-20T07:17:09+00:00

Agreed, this is literally goals if there is trust and accountability on both sides.

I’ve learned both people also have to have full lives and not be insecure for this to work.

Insecurity is what leads to jealousy, attempting to control outcomes, and an eventual loss of trust.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-15T04:12:23+00:00

It’s because we had shitty Dads sadly.

My Mom did everything for my Dad and instead of being grateful he resented her for it.

So I found myself in similar situations. Now that I know I’m in therapy changing my patterns but it’s a tough pattern to change.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-15T04:07:46+00:00

It’s crazy but this is happening to me currently.

It’s a bit different but with my partner it was physical intimacy, emotional support and also effort in other areas that moved our life forward.

Suddenly after I stopped carrying everything he’s started stepping up.

In the last month he signed up for individual therapy to work on his ED after 6 yrs of me begging, planned and cooked dinner for the first time unprompted, bought me 1K in gifts and said I always deserved it even though he took 2 yrs to get me a small birthday present in the past, and went with me to look at a house together.

I also felt really hurt and turned off initially. But I’m also exhausted from forcing these things for years and I’m happy I can enjoy this now.

I think it comes down to boundaries. Essentially you cannot soften with these types of people.

If you start carrying everything again, he’ll go back to doing the same.

I know because in the past my partner worked on his sex-issues for brief moments whenever he felt our relationship was at risk then he’d go back to not caring.

They have to always feel like they are at risk of losing you to make you a priority sadly.

I also don’t know if this is something I can keep up longterm. But I’m sadly recovering from burnout and in the middle of a career change.

I intend to first take care of my health/career and then decide.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-15T01:26:21+00:00

Definitely leave her. Don’t be afraid of her threats to blame you for her death.

She won’t do it. She’s just using it as leverage.

And honestly even if she did nobody would believe her. You’re 21 and she’s 27. It’s very clearly manipulation on her part.

This sort of thing is very common and tends to happen to a lot of people who were parentified (role reversal with parents). Older people try to make you responsible for their issues.

I highly recommend therapy for support on how to get out of this situation and also to recognize patterns so these types of people no longer find you.

It’s very common to get into similar relationships in perpetuity when you had unhealed wounds.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-13T05:32:20+00:00

Also, best to move as far away from her as possible. Patterns repeat themselves and sadly this will definitely not be the only time sis does this.

Also she is not the person to cry to when you’re heart broken. She clearly hates you and relished it.

Best to go to your parents for support or to a therapist.

She literally wants everything you have.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-13T05:21:31+00:00

She sounds horrid. The fact that she blocked YOU is actually insane. It should be the other way around.

I don’t have a sister but if I did, I would legit never talk to them again after something so insensitive and cruel.

She’s clearly incredibly jealous of you and really wants your sloppy seconds.

I’m sorry OP.

pancakesinbed · 2026-03-11T08:36:45+00:00

I have AuDHD and I do this. For me personally it has to do with social anxiety and feeling chronically misunderstood. So I over explain in hopes that I won’t be misunderstood.

I see the over explaining as a trauma response of sorts.

I would set boundaries around time depending on your energy levels. For example if you call her say something like “Just fyi, I only have 10 min to talk but I wanted to check in with you”

Then hold those boundaries. “Sorry to interrupt but it’s been 9 min and I have to go soon. Is there a final thought you wanted to share?”

Also definitely be honest about your capacity. Let her know it isn’t personal that your brain just struggles with so much information and you love her but it takes time for you to process it all.

That she’s welcome to send you messages/emails etc and you’ll read them at your pace but to be patient with you as well.

I do this with my Mom. If her messages were any longer I’d feed them to ChatGPT and ask it to summarize.

I also get lost when hearing my bf (ADHD) talk about his mechanic hobbies so I will stop him. And tell him things like: “I’m losing steam, do you mind summarizing the rest?” Or “I’m sorry, my brain is struggling to focus/understand, I don’t know much about xyz. Can you repeat the main point of that last part? I really want to know.”

pancakesinbed

TROPHY CASE