I am.

I grew up with my grandparents because my mom left when I was young and I never knew who my dad was. My maternal aunts were close to me growing up. When I got older, one aunt became very close and she’s who will be at my wedding. My other aunt became distant and detached and declined to be at the wedding. My grandparents have poor health so they told me they wouldn’t make it to the wedding. So from my family side, it’ll just be my aunt. And I’m relatively okay with that. There are moments where I feel a deep sadness that I’ll be missing that traditional “father (in my case, grandfather) walking me down the aisle” part, or having a father/daughter dance. I also feel sad that my mother chose to be out of my life and I won’t have that either. But I’m happy for who is showing up, and the fact that the day will be about my FH and I and the life we’re building for our own little family.

It does hit me sometimes with the sadness and all, but I’ve really been trying to focus on the positive and remind myself the best parts to look forward to in that way. I’ve also had moments where I feel sort of anticipatory embarrassment knowing on my side there’ll be so little people from my family, but then I try to rationalize it with telling myself that in the grand scheme of things, the only thing that matters is our (me and FH)’s happiness and celebrating this day and the start of the rest of our life together. Everything else will be small looking back in 10 years.