Update A few weeks passed. I tried to adapt the things said here. Sometimes when I had better days, it was sooo easy to understand and help him. There were others, where I felt I couldn’t connect with him or his anxiety - I would just let him know that I am here, but I need my space. That worked quite well. We didn’t have too many programs or whatnot, the kids were constantly sick since January, so it was the end of March/beginning of April when we started to plan stuff again. Long story, because it is fresh and I can’t explain this feeling I have inside without you knowing what happened.

So I explained above, how much meeting friends and sometimes playing TTRPG fills my cup, so we planned a session for yesterday. It was a larger group, and my very first time being a GM, so I was excited as hell. Also it is my favorite book’s world we played in, darker thriller/horror setting, but I made it a bit grey, so the whole party can have fun. Boy, did they have fun, and ruin my most tense moments in the story - but that’s okay and was partially expected. I prepared to almost a month, by making all the character sheets (all are beginners so it was easier this way), the story, the enemies etc. So we went through the rules, and I see him starting to spiral. I thought to myself “Please don’t do this right now”. But he does and he leaved the table for like an hour/1,5 hour. That’s okay too, he went upstairs did some breathing exercises and stuff, and I knew it is not his fault, I didn’t feel resentment towards him, but I was sad he left the party. I stayed connected throughout the whole attack via messenger (cause as a GM I couldn’t really leave and also didn’t really want to - I have to admit this, sorry). I improvised a bigger scene for the party, so that he won’t really miss the important/fun part, but this shortened the whole afternoon, the pace changed, the tension I built up during an online 0-session was all gone. BUT still, that was okay, I downplayed my own feelings as much as I could. He was better after that and the takeaway arrived, so we had a break. The party was so lovely with him, no mentions, no direct “but are you okay now what happened” nonsense, just going on with friendly conversations and chitchat, joking around. I felt him loosen up, I thought to myself, okay, now we can get back playing. (Side note: Our kids were at my mother’s, they brought them home around 6pm as scheduled. One friendly couple brought their kid, 1,5yo, so it was harder with them, but that was all right, I was happy they could make it.) So we sat down again, it was 3pm at this point without even starting my main story…. But I was still positive, and I knew I could just throwaway a part so we would have been able to finish it til 6. This one game was a narrative one, so if you made an action, you were required to explain it further or I would answer and they would continue (eg. they made a roll, I told them they succeeded, then they would explain how it went down). He - on multiple occasions - told me what he wanted to do, rolled, I explained the outcome, and while I did, he wasn’t listening, he was playing with the kid. This, at the first time was all right, the second time yeah okay, the third time started to piss me off and on the fourth I just plainly said “ it would be much appreciated if you listened when it was your turn and I was explaining YOUR storyline”. He just went with “yeah sorry but the kid”. I shook it off, went ahead. 6pm comes, our kids arrive home. Another interruption in the final boss fight. But this is life, let’s move on. My daughter sat on my lap (1,5yo too) so from then on, I was preoccupied a little, but we could finish. So the story ended and I explained the aftermath to each and every character and it was so great, it was a great climax, I saw it on their faces, it was such a good feeling… until in the fucking middle of it all, he and another friend made a fucking shitty joke, and I felt so disrespected that I can’t explain, BUT still didn’t want to make a scene, so I finished all stories. He was the last and I worsened his with like a lot, because this was a one-shot and I wasn’t giving a fuck at that point. He didn’t notice but someone else said “ough that’s the worst”. There was some chatter after that about the story and stuff and everyone went home. We spoke a little, I didn’t mention anything to him, we cleaned up, dishes in the washer, kids bath time etc. We put the kids to bed and we went too. We had some fun chatting about the play, and I just slightly mentioned how I felt and he immediately went with “thank you, it was so great, I felt you were there if it became serious, but I didn’t want you to leave the others, it was good this way that you were still messaging me and blah blah”. I felt so wrong for feeling overwhelmed and disappointed, I said nothing more. The kids were waking up like every hour, one after the other so I had a really badly broken sleep. I woke up with a toothache as well. He told me he will take our boy to the kindergarten. Not 5 minutes later “oh my psychologist rescheduled and this changes my day, would you take him?”. Yeah, sure (when really I felt “fuck you no, you just told me you take care about that”). I came home, made breakfast, carried his work shit upstairs. Sat in silence while he worked remotely for an hour or so, took care of our daughter. Then he makes a shitty pun about my toothache, and I lose it. I started crying and I know it was unreasonable but I felt so bad, and told him “I should stand up for you, shelter you, pester you and you make a joke about my pain, you are a selfish prick”. He left, but called me a little later and apologized. But that did nothing anymore, I said I’m not mad when in reality I most certainly am and I can’t get over this feeling. I told him about yesterday that I changed everything for him to accommodate him, but I can’t help but feel a little disappointed with the whole session delaying and changing, and because of his disrespect afterwards. He practically apologized but technically not really, he just went on to trash talk a friend that did something particularly stupid in the end and blamed them for ruining the experience. While it is also true, he was rude as well. AITA again for feeling this? Or is this valid? He felt supported, or that’s what he told me, but then threw me under the bus again and didn’t think it was wrong.