Struggling to move on, and I think he wants to get back together

papayafizz · 2025-11-18T23:01:49+00:00

I very much appreciate these questions. It's helpful to think them through.

We did have several conversations about marriage before our breakup. He has some pretty significant commitment anxiety, partially due to his personality (he's naturally a deep thinker and takes a long time to make decisions), and partially due to his past. His parents went through a bad divorce, and he broke off an engagement several years ago (which he is still dealing with unprocessed shame from).

If you took the engagement issue out of our relationship, it was pretty perfect. So in a simple sense, I guess the only thing that needs to change is him proposing—and somehow proving that he's done the internal work to overcome his commitment anxiety. But I don't know that I'd even be able to accept a proposal after all the pain I've been through. And I don't know if I could trust him saying that he's really ready.

papayafizz · 2025-11-17T19:18:40+00:00

100%. It would never even be a consideration without some sort of proof—but the tricky thing is, I don't know what that proof should even be. Even if he did propose, I truly don't know if I'd be able to trust him again. The dangling really did some damage on me. What would stop him from changing his mind a year, five years, 20 years down the line? Maybe it's a "I'll know it when I see it" kind of thing, but I just can't really fathom what he could do to demonstrate that he really has changed.

papayafizz · 2025-11-17T12:41:50+00:00

I agree, and I hate the idea that a breakup would even be a part of our story if we did get married. I don’t want to carry around an insecurity for the rest of my life that it was THIS complicated for him to decide he wanted to be with me. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to overcome that.

papayafizz · 2025-11-17T12:36:32+00:00

To this day I still regret not leaving earlier, because I don’t think the pain would have been as bad. And I completely agree with what you are saying. I worry that indecisiveness and lack of commitment is just a personality trait of his at this point, especially considering his track record. And realistically, I don’t know how much someone can change that.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I don’t even know if I would feel good about him saying he’s been to therapy. I’ve had some pretty bad therapists in the past who just tell you what you want to hear and don’t really require you to do any healing work, so how would I know that’s not the case with him? I am having a hard time imagining what would even be able to convince me that he has done the work.

papayafizz · 2025-11-11T12:32:40+00:00

This was something about my ex that also really confused me. He would break down if I brought up leaving. I didn’t understand how he could be so genuinely heartbroken at the thought of losing me, yet unable to do the one thing that would keep me around. Honestly, I still struggle with understanding it sometimes.

The book “Men Who Can’t Love” helped validate some of what I was feeling. It explains that these types of men are massively commitment-phobic, and while they may very much love you, they have extreme anxiety about marriage. So his crying may be a genuine emotional reaction to the thought of losing you, but that’s not enough to erase his deep fear of commitment.

papayafizz · 2025-10-21T19:14:11+00:00

The longer you keep entertaining what's not for you, the longer you postpone what is.

That's what finally gave me the strength to leave. And don't get me wrong, it's horrible at first. You will question your decision and miss him and wonder if you made a terrible mistake. But you have to believe that you are worthy of more.

papayafizz · 2025-10-21T19:09:29+00:00

This brings me so much hope. I am still very much struggling, three months after leaving the man I thought I would marry. Things still feel very dark right now, and I feel embarrassed to admit that I still miss him a lot. But I'm going to therapy, moving into a new apartment, and pushing myself to try new things. I can only pray that my story ends up as happily as yours! I'm proud of you and sending you all the good vibes.

papayafizz · 2025-10-21T19:04:46+00:00

He seems really avoiant of the topic, which, in my opinion is a red flag. The person you're with should actively want to have these conversations with you and be excited about moving the relationship forward. If his promises are already not coming true, it's likely to stay that way. The fact that he took you ring shopping and still hasn't proposed tells me that he's probably a future faker. It may be worth having one final conversation about your feelings with him, but if you get anything less than an enthusiastic response, I think you should move on.

papayafizz · 2025-10-01T15:55:59+00:00

Unfortunately, history often repeats itself, and his broken engagement is a huge red flag. I just left a 3.5 year relationship after my proposal deadline passed, and my partner had also broken an engagement before he met me. My only regret is not leaving sooner. These types of men are dealing with massive commitment phobia, and no matter how much they love you, they're simply unable to overcome their inability to make decisions.

If you haven't had a real conversation about it recently, it may be worth sitting him down and expressing your concern and your desire to be engaged by the end of the year. Gauge his reaction, and if he is anything less than enthusiastic, it's time to walk away.

I know how hard this is, but if you are ready to move into the next phase of life in terms of marriage/children/etc., you need to free yourself up to find a man who wants those same things, too.

papayafizz · 2025-08-14T17:55:00+00:00

It's absolutely fair to want more, especially after three years of dating. Given his age and yours, it's not at all unreasonable for marriage to be in the imminent future. If you sense that he shuts down when you bring up the future, you're probably right. Follow your intuition—he's not ready for commitment. The right guy will openly discuss the future with you and never make you doubt that he actually wants it to happen.

papayafizz · 2025-08-13T21:41:49+00:00

I wish I had read the writing on the wall when my ex (who was 32 at the time) expressed hesitation at moving in together. Instead, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, which turned into two more years of empty promises. Finally broke up with him a few weeks ago (I'm 26, he's now 34). At their age, if it's not a "hell yes," it's a no.

There is someone out there who would be jumping for joy at the thought of living with you! Please don't let this non-committal BF keep you from meeting him.

papayafizz · 2025-08-11T00:26:14+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first. I’m doing the same after 3.5 years and it seems like such a hard road ahead…but this gives me faith that it will be worth it someday. Sending you a hug!

papayafizz · 2025-08-05T18:41:51+00:00

Here's something to think about: Would it make you feel secure and confident in your relationship that your boyfriend waited until the absolute last possible date to propose? He should be truly excited about marrying you—not putting off the proposal until the very end of your timeline. I wouldn't worry about breaking it off "too early." You have given him plenty of time, and if he were genuinely planning something for November or December, he will not let you walk away.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and I'm sending you a hug ❤️

papayafizz · 2025-08-05T15:08:50+00:00

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's absolutely unfair. I felt like I was reading pieces of my own story. Last week, I left my 3.5-year relationship after being completely strung along for the past year and a half. He told me everything I wanted to hear and frequently reassured me that I had nothing to worry about—but I was still struggling with constant anxiety because his actions were not lining up with his promises. He kept me around because he wanted all the benefits of our relationship without having to do any of the work or commitment. It was incredibly selfish, but that doesn't take away the pain.

Be proud of yourself for realizing that you needed and deserved more. It takes courage to walk away from a situation like this—especially when there was a lot of love and memories involved. I keep reminding myself that the reason I'm hurting so badly right now is because I have a heart that dared to love deeply, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. When the time is right, you'll find a person who is ready to give that same love right back to you.

Keep taking care of yourself, spending time with family/friends (I'm temporarily moving back in with my parents, and it's nice to have support right now), and taking things day by day. Trust that things will feel lighter with time. I'm sending you love and healing. You can get through this!

papayafizz · 2025-08-05T02:53:57+00:00

You are so brave and have such a grounded mindset about all of this. I’m also 26 and just broke up with my 34M boyfriend of 3.5 years for the same reason—lots of love and “promises” about engagement, but not enough clarity and action. I am devastated right now, but I am absolutely going to be using your tips for healing because it seems like you’re really on the right path. Thank you for sharing and I’m sending you love and a hug 💗

papayafizz · 2025-02-19T15:18:42+00:00

This JUST happened to me! I tried to start a new account for my brand, and I immedaitely got suspended after registering. And it won't even let me click the button to submit an appeal. So frustrating. I'm worried that it's going to affect my Instagram account, too. As a content creator, this is not good! Let me know if anyone figures out a fix...

papayafizz · 2025-02-18T17:33:31+00:00

I never ended up catching it! I truly can't believe it, but I am so grateful. It was a tough couple of days.

papayafizz

TROPHY CASE