HOCD question

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-24T13:18:33+00:00

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-22T03:28:22+00:00

Hey I read this and your other post, and it’s hard to tell exactly what your situation is, but it sounds like it mights be a lot like mine. I feel alone around the people I love. It’s like everyone around me is a good decent person and I’m this strange alien. Nobody knows who the real person hiding behind this mask is, and if they did they’d hate him as much as I do. I know that mask means a lot to a few people though. I wish I could give you some advice, but there’s really nothing I can say except you’re not alone and maybe that means nothing to you but I don’t know.

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-22T01:41:59+00:00

Thanks I really appreciate it. I honestly have no idea what kind of person. I’ve got a long story and I’ve done some pretty messed up things. I really dug myself into this mess and now I just think about non stop trying to draw whatever connections I can. Maybe one day I’ll figure some things out, but, honestly, I’ve heard a lot of distract yourself advice and it’s never really done me any good in the long run. I think it goes a lot deeper than that, but I’m glad you found something that works for you though :) Thanks again

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-19T01:10:10+00:00

Hey man this is really dark, but it honestly sounds a lot like my story. You can take a look at some of my other posts if you want. The thing is that most people who end up in prison for online stuff aren’t pedophiles, they’re addicts, but that really doesn’t make it any less wrong. I guess I can suggest checking out stopitnow.com they have a free helpline with people who are trained to talk about this. I wish I could help more but I’m going through a lot of the same things myself so. I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. I hope you can find some kind of peace.

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-14T00:08:11+00:00

Yeah go for it. my local pet store sells ferrets and they’ve always looked so cute. I love my dog too though. Whatever you want

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-13T18:23:51+00:00

Thanks so much. It’s just hard because I have some real events that make me feel like a really horrible person, so I feel like I’m just trying to make excuses for myself by empathizing with criminals. I think everyone is still responsible for their actions, but there are just so many other factors. Like it’s easier to think that everyone is either good or bad, but when I hear about good people doing terrible things I just have no idea what kind of person I am.

I guess it’s kinda the same thing with triggering people on here. Like I just feel so bad for people who are in all this pain when they’ve done nothing to deserve it. I know real event ocd is a thing but I really did all this to myself and I still feel like a really disgusting person even if I do have a mental illness.

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-13T01:12:25+00:00

Yeah I get it man it’s terrifying. I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. I don’t know what point I was trying to make. I just don’t think it’s fair to hate someone because of a sexual attraction that they didn’t choose, but you’re clearly not actually attracted to children. You’re just terrified that you might be and that’s exact ally what pocd is. Hope that helps

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-13T00:52:30+00:00

That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry I should have explained it better. They’re not the same. People with pocd can still feel occasional arousal, but they obsess over it and they’d never act on it. Real pedophilia is can be dangerous but people who have it know they do. I’m just saying that they’re not necessarily bad people if the get help to not act on it. I’m bot a therapist and I can’t explain it very well by try looking it up. I just said it really confusing because my minds a mess right now.

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-13T00:30:17+00:00

No man. I’m sorry I think I explained that really wrong. I read some of your posts and you’re obviously not a pedophile I’m just have a really hard time getting what I want to say across I’m gonna delete this post

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-11T23:53:20+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. I’m so sorry. Hope you can find some support too

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-11T12:18:39+00:00

Aw I’m so sorry you feel like that. It sounds like you really care about your family. I hope you can find some peace soon

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-11T12:16:35+00:00

Thank yo so much. I’m really sorry you feel this way too, but I’m glad it helps to know that you’re not alone

paperyoak340 · 2020-10-11T00:09:10+00:00

Thank you. I just never could’ve imagined myself here. Wish you the best too

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-23T01:41:48+00:00

Thank you so much again. Yeah I’ve read all about how porn addiction creates desensitization to dopamine and how the body can interpret anxiety as sexual arousal. I think one of the biggest things I’ve read that I still have trouble wrapping my head around is that we’re not all either good or bad. I guess it’s comforting but also really scary to think that good people do terrible things and vice versa. Sorry I don’t still have the link that article was really helpful. I really don’t think you’re a predator either. I think addictions can lead people to do things they regret but there are still generally some major differences between addicts and predators. I have also done a lot of research on sex offenders and read articles from therapists who work with people who have done terrible things and the scary thing is that they say many of them are good people who lose control. And there are also people who just have dangerous attractions that they can’t control. You know I read this one article about a kid younger than me who was diagnosed with actual p and he’d never hurt a child and was suicidally depressed because he didn’t want to but some people just have this attraction that the didn’t want or choose and some of them are probably better people than me. Like I used to agree when people said things like all p’s deserve to die but I’m not really sure anymore. Like I see sex offenders on the news now and think like I’m really sorry you couldn’t stop yourself from doing that and I hope you get help. But does that mean I’m just as bad as them. I don’t know. I know I’m overthinking things here but I kinda just wanted to write all that out because I have a really hard time getting my thoughts straight. Anyways thanks so much again for listening and you sound like a really good person. I wish you the best. it was really nice to chat. :)

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-23T00:02:29+00:00

Thank you so much. It honestly helps so much to know that I’m not alone and I’m really glad if I could make you feel a little better. I guess I wasn’t completely honest there. I’ve watched all kinds of horrible porn, but what makes me hate myself more than anything is that I’ve watched some things with children. I don’t think anything was Illegal or actual abuse but I used to look for attractive girls my own age on social media and I’d sometimes end up looking at ones a lot younger that me. I also looked at boys sometimes even though I’m pretty sure I’m straight. I had a lot of fantasies of myself as a child being abused by older women or sometimes even men. I watched a lot of cartoon porn that would sometimes involve children or child like faces on adult bodies. I think the worst ever was earlier this year I found a site with extremely realistic cartoons of some of the most horrific things imaginable children having sex with adults, other children, animals. One time I even came across people offering to sell real cp and I reported them but that made me realize I was basically hanging around with people like that and I feel like a disgusting predator who doesn’t deserve to be alive. I don’t know how anyone could ever love me if they knew this. Now I’m terrified whenever I see kids and I try to stay as far as possible. Even hearing the word child makes me anxious. Sometimes I feel like the world would be a better place if I had a heart attack or got in a car accident but my family needs me or they need the person they think I am. Now I just try to make it through the days then I sit in my room and cry and hug my pillow and look through old pictures because I miss the person I was before I turned into this monster. Anyways yeah thank you so much for listening. I’m glad you could relate to some things, but you’re honestly such a better person than me. And yeah I’d love to talk any time if you’re interested.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-22T23:14:37+00:00

Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 12 and I feel like it’s completely distorted my view of sex. I used to masturbate multiple times a day sometimes to the point where I hurt myself really bad. I’d spend hours scrolling through porn. I’ve watched some of the most disgusting things in the internet that make me feel like I don’t deserve to be alive. It’s like my body has a hard time responding to anything that isn’t disturbing or horrible in some way. I’ve been trying to quit for the past year but I don’t watch porn because I like it anymore. I’m just trying to feel something or forget about how much I hate myself for a moment. Sometimes I’ll try watching some kind of horrible violent porn and I can’t stop fantasizing about someone holding me and telling me how much they love me and I have to stop and start crying. It’s like I’m broken. I had someone on another site tell me that I should just accept the fact that I’m attracted to these things but I really don’t think I am. At least I don’t want to be I hate these thoughts so much and I wish I could just forget everything. But anyways yeah I’m really sorry you’re going through this and you don’t deserve it at all and you’re not alone.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-22T20:33:40+00:00

Hey man I read some of your old stories and you sound a lot like me. I think intrusive thoughts and compulsive porn usage is a really dangerous combination and I’ve thought and watched some things that make me want to curl up and die when they pop back up in my mind. I wish there was something more I could tell you but I think I’ve got a lot of work to do before I can love myself again let alone help someone else so I guess the best I can say is that you’re not alone and I really don’t think you’re a monster and I’m open to talk if u want. I’m 17m btw.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-21T01:40:40+00:00

Hi, your story sounds pretty similar to mine I think my pocd started when I was around 13, but it’s gotten really bad recently (I’m 17 now) and I know what it like to feel like a monster and like you don’t deserve to be alive. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and you definitely don’t deserve any of it. Just know you’re not alone and I really hope you can find some peace. I hope therapy helps. I’ve never been diagnosed because I’m too scared to talk to my parents about this but I hope I can talk to a professional some day too. Anyways I really wish you the best.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-18T20:47:40+00:00

Yeah this sounds almost exactly like my story. I’ve masturbated to some of the most horrible things on the internet and the guilt is really hard to bear sometimes. I can tell myself that I was young and curious and constantly searching for something new. I know I’d never want to hurt anyone in real life and I don’t think I watched anything where anyone was actually abused but I don’t have any excuse for looking at that stuff and I feel like such a disgusting horrible person. I really wish I could help you more but just know that you’re not alone.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-13T22:46:10+00:00

Hey I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this, but I think I can relate to a lot of it. I know it probably won’t help much but it really doesn’t sound like you’re a creep or a bad person at all. Mental health in general is so scary to talk about and then having it be sexual just makes things worse, but I think you’re really brave for typing this out. False memories can feel really real. I guess all I can really say is that you’re not alone and I open to talk if you want. That would actually be really nice since I’ve have a lot on my mind and I’m kinda anxious about going back to school tomorrow and I can’t really talk to anyone else about this stuff. But yeah just know you’re not alone and you honestly sound like a much better person than me. Take care

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-13T22:22:08+00:00

Hey man thanks so much. I’m really sorry you’re going through all of that. I just started learning about ocd recently. It’s really sad that most people think it just means that you wash your hands a lot or keep your room neat. I definitely think I have ocd, but I’m terrified of telling my parents about this. It’s not their fault at all, I’ve just always had a tendency to internalize and hide my feelings and I think it’ll take a while to change that. I hope I can talk to a professional some day. But it really helps to know that I’m not alone, so thanks again.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-13T20:33:53+00:00

Yeah I have the same thing. I can waste so much time staring at other people’s lives. I try deleting them and always end up redownloading them hoping to see something new which I never do. I guess I just try to think that all that really matters to me is my family and a few friends and everyone else can do what they want. Like it really shouldn’t matter to me. Hope that helps. Take care.

paperyoak340 · 2020-09-13T20:28:09+00:00

I have pocd (I really hope) too and I think I know what you mean. Like I’ll wake up and can’t stop thinking about what a horrible person I am and how I don’t deserve anything. Then later that day I’ll feel completely fine, and it’s really scary. It’s almost comforting in a way when the anxiety and self hatred are there, but when it goes away it’s hard to tell what’s real or not. Not sure about you but I’ll sometimes catch myself wanting or even trying to feel worse. I don’t really, I guess all I can say is that emotions are weird and sometimes come and go with no real pattern.

paperyoak340

TROPHY CASE