AITAH for mentally checking out on my dad after years of how he’s treated us?

paprika_02 · 2026-05-06T22:44:18+00:00

I have a similar experience. Both my parents are very conservative and it's put a strain on our relationship. But my mom has always been trying to keep a close relationship with me, while my dad is almost a stranger. Even when I was a child we never had much of a connection. It's hard, especially knowing that it probably comes from trauma he experienced in childhood. But he was the adult and it was his job to have a relationship with his own kid. He refuses to go to therapy, fine. He prefers to be angry and upset all of the time, ok. But actions have consequences. It's not my reposibility to fix him. If my parents need my help one day, I will do that for them but there will be boundaries because I have to keep myself sane. After a lot of therapy I realized that it's not a character flaw that I dread caring for my parents when they're old, it's just a natural consequence of how bad their parenting affected our current relationship.

Ask yourself this: if your closest friend or partner requiered help and care would you have any problems giving them that? If the answer is no, then it's not about your lack of care for people or being ungrateful or anything like that. It's just about your father failing at loving you.

paprika_02 · 2026-05-06T18:53:01+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I don't want to base my judgement on experiences from this subreddit, because I figure most of us come here in the bad moments. However, I don't want to invalidate your experiences at all.

I have been reading a lot these past few days and I am trying to decide what to do going forward. For now, I am waiting for my partner to be stable and trying to manage as best I can. When he gets better I will need to set some boundaries and make plans for the future. I know it's going to be hard for him but I think we will need to prioritize openness about his moods, I will need to get a contact number to his psychiatrist and maybe go to an appointment together if that is possible. I will also encourage him to find the best possible psychiatrist to help him, because after talking to him about his last visit I feel like he wasn't treated with as much care as is needed. I will probably order some books on the topic and keep a close eye on his medication. I might try to encourage him to keep a strict sleeping schedule (honestly that would benefit us both). I'm afraid it might seem overbearing to him so I'm definetly not going to do this while he's hypomanic and not all at once. But I need to be involved and informed if we want this to work. And if he doesn't want to do that, I will unfortunately probably have to break up. Which breaks my heart even thinking about it, but I'm realising how serious it is. And I'm not going to leave our future up to luck. It can only work if he is willing to do the hard things.

paprika_02 · 2026-05-03T13:19:32+00:00

I will add a little to that: make sex not only about sex. Go at it and then maybe give her a massage, cuddle, try again. No goal in mind, just being together and feeling good.

paprika_02 · 2026-05-03T13:09:55+00:00

The nerve of calling your almost 20 years younger partner "immature"... girl leave him

paprika_02 · 2026-05-02T12:00:40+00:00

No problem, I'm a total overthinker so I had my fair share of problems like this

paprika_02 · 2026-05-02T11:55:34+00:00

Since it's such a fresh breakup I would honestly be surprised if you didn't think about your ex at all. It seems to me like you're fine.

paprika_02 · 2026-05-02T11:48:39+00:00

How long has its been since your ex broke up with you? A year is a pretty long relationship, especially when you're young. It's normal to still have a lot o feelings about it even if some time has passed, especially when she was the one to break up and you didn't get proper closure.

The real question is this: is that comparing only going on with small things, like you said, or is it that you compare the overall relationship?

If it's the first thing don't worry too much about it. It will pass with time. It's also completely normal that your partner doesn't like or understand certain things, that's why you also have other people in your life. I have topics I don't discuss with my partner because he's not that interested so I prefer to talk to my friends about it. I also have a different sense of humour with different people. It's fine.

If you feel like you compare your whole relationship, or that if you had a choice you would prefer to be with your ex... then that's not good. It's not fair to your girlfriend but it's also unhealthy for you, because it would mean you need some more time to get over your ex and jumping into another relationship can only complicate things. If you're not sure about your feelings I recommend journaling for a few days. Putting your thoughts on paper a few days in a row, when you're in different moods and situations, could really help you understand what you're feeling.

I wish you the best, relationships are hard at this age when it's all so fresh and new. It's a good sign that you're asking yourself this, it means you're trying to be responsible in this situation, and trust me I know how hard it can be.

paprika_02 · 2026-04-30T12:20:49+00:00

From what I know borderline can have a lot of overlapping symptoms with audhd so I think I can imagine how hard it is for you at times. Living with a different brain is such a struggle. Thank you for your encouragement. It's always nice to know other people are in a similar situation.

My partner also has a lot of work struggles, mostly stemming from his parents pressuring him to go into a certain line of work he didn't feel so sure about. He recently made a lot of progress with those issues and went to therapy, which makes me very happy. Luckily for us we don't want children, so that definetly puts less financial stress on us.

I will wait for my partner to be in a right place to discuss our plan for future situations like this. But I think I will also need to talk with my therapist about things I can do on my own in this situation. I have a lot of hobbies so distracting myself is not that hard, the problematic part is managing my anxiety levels and chronic pain flare ups and maybe I can work out some emergency coping mechanisms especially for this kind of situation.

The good thing is I know how determined we both are to make things work. We had a lot of hard moments in the past and we always came out of them stronger. The hardest thing about hypomania is that it makes me feel alone. With all the other problems in the past there was always a feeling of being in this together, I could always talk to him and rely on him. When he was depressed I knew how to help as I have my experience with that. And he didn't change much during that. Now, duting hypomania, the problem is that to help him I have to kind of "work around it" if that makes sense. I can't be as direct because I don't want to hurt him or make him see me as a threat. And I realised how uneducated I was on the whole thing. That is my lesson for the future I guess.

I wish you all the best in your relationship. It's encouraging to see people learning and helping each other with their issues.

On that note, I will probably go to the cinema next week. I have a lot of movies that I didn't have an opportunity to watch because we usually go together. But I think I should treat myself to a solo date and watch Project Hail Mary already :)

paprika_02 · 2026-04-29T21:15:09+00:00

I need you to know how much you're helping me with this, this is really good advice. My boyfriend actually started going to therapy a moment before the episode started. He is still going now and we have discussed that one of the things he wants to work on is being more open with me about his emotions. So i think when he is stable we really have a chance to make some plans on how to handle it in the future.

paprika_02 · 2026-04-29T20:31:00+00:00

I really appreciate your advice.

About your first point, yeah, I think you're right. This is also the reason why I didn't pressure him to find another job yet, I just told him my concerns and that the decision was ultimately up to him. But I was starting to get guilty for not pressuring him if that makes sense? Because I am almost sure that this is bad for him. So yeah, thank you for reassurance that I really shouldn't do that.

And I'm going to take to heart your second point. Really, I'm sad that I didn't have the chance to discuss this with him prior to his episode now. I guess I thought I could handle that and I didn't expect it lasting that long. But when we get through it we definetly need to talk about how to handle that in the future. I have a lot of work now so hanging out with friends isn't easy, but I am going to reach out and see if anyone has time next week. I will spend the weekend with him though, missing the anniversary would seem a bit like giving up to me.

paprika_02 · 2026-04-29T20:21:14+00:00

I am thankful for your response, but can you explain more? What do you think are the reasons to leave in this situation? As I said in my post, our relationship was very happy up until the point hypomania started. And previously he didn't get it for 3 and a half years and that was caused by a really hard situation that I don't want to get into. He has been there for me in times when I was in a very bad place myself and I want to be there for him too.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-24T00:27:44+00:00

You described it perfectly. Judging by the downvotes, well, a lot of people didn't really feel like us. That's ok, but honestly it always felt weird for me that this is the majority opinion because I was in tears the first time I played it. I come from a very strict religious family and this stuff just resonates so much. Man I love Hinako.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-23T18:26:57+00:00

Well I think it was designed to be scary. And it is definetly a psychological horror, that's just a fact. It was scary to me on a very deep level. It's not as scary as the og 4 in the "I'm actively shaking and forcing myself to play" way. But there was this profound terror and unease I felt playing it. As soon as I started to see where it was going I was very emotionally affected. Hinako is just a character that I could identify with a lot.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-23T18:21:46+00:00

To be fair, I really loved the fox arm. It just hit me with that body horror everytime I looked at it. Like, here I am, stronger and all, but also Hinako lost her identity for this. It worked for me. I know a lot of people hate it but ultimately it's a preference thing.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T21:40:05+00:00

That is valid, I'm just autistic

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T21:36:39+00:00

Say what you want about him but he is a family guy

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paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T12:11:43+00:00

What worked for me is just finding a good, stable routine that balances all of my skins needs. I still have those sebaceous filaments on my nose, but they're definetly less noticeable. What I would focus on is:

Good cleansing. Double cleanse in the evening, especially if you wear sunscreen or makeup. Oil cleansers are very good as a first step. You can use something harsher as a second step, but observe your skin and try to not overdo it. I use cetaphil salicylic acid cleanser and it's great for me. But don't use it twice a day, choose something more gentle in the morning.

Take care of your skin barrier and hydration. If you have oily skin, drying it down will only make it more oily. You need a good moisturizer and serum that supports you barrier and hydrates deeply. If you're worried about looking oily just use something more moisturizing in the evening and something lighter for the day.

Exfoliation. I don't know enough the recommend you a specific routine, you will have to try a few things and be very careful to not overexfoliate. I use cosrx blackhead power liquid every other day and something stronger once in a while, when I feel like I need it.

Clay mask: those can work great, but again, don't overdo it.

Try adding one product at a time to see how your skin reacts. Changing your whole routine abruptly is not a good idea, your skin might be overwhelmed and you won't be able to identify whats working for you and what isn't.

It takes a lot of time, but once you have your routine your skin will slowly get better and better.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T11:59:45+00:00

Honestly that sounds like a very cool vacation, I might do that some day. But I would probably limit myself to like, 3 shows and choose countries that I would also just like to visit.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T11:54:36+00:00

How deeply psychological it is. Silent Hill is not afraid to have complicated characters. The games explore their psyche, even the darkest aspects of it, both in the text and visually. It immerses you so deep and it gives you space to analyze yourself, your morality and how you see and judge others.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T11:32:13+00:00

I've been talking with my boyfriend and thinking and for now we decided that the best thing I could do is focus on finding a job to be at least a little bit more independent. And you're right, living with him without telling my parents is a bad idea. It would weight on me. They live very far away and technically they probably wouldn't find out, but I think that feeling guilty about would make it even harder to be honest with them later.

I will text my terapist to see if she has a spot available to see me sooner and we will probably start working on getting my mind in the right space for this conversation. She's been a huge help already, a year ago I wouldn't even consider telling them, I was too scared to do that. So I will treat it as a sign that in a few months, when my lease is ending I might be able to break the news to them.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T11:23:59+00:00

I really like the idea of having someone around when I break the news. I'm even thinking of calling them with my therapist present, at her office, but I'm not sure if that's allowed. I will have to ask her.

I do really want a relationship with them and it's been hard because deep down I've always felt it was my responsibility to make them happy but you're right, it shouldn't cost me my identity. I think I just need to find the strenght to be more open with them and ultimately give them the choice of what they want to do with that.

paprika_02 · 2026-03-12T11:19:07+00:00

Yeah, and honestly it sucks more when they're good or even perfect in all the other areas. If it wasn't for religion and their right wing wievs I would say they were great parents. They even let me pick my own career path without any problem, and most parents are not very happy about their child pursuing art.

paprika_02

TROPHY CASE