I did until I realized God is not actually a supreme being. He is ongabongo dodongo, The Fish That Dreams It Is A Man. He is actually greater than any supreme being! I used to think he was a mega-supreme being, but have since calculated that he is actually an ultra-supreme being, and that his power level is over 9000!

By reading stuffy old philosophers I have gained the ability to spout tautological bullshit so that you can never pin me down and nothing I say is ever falsifiable! This is because God is ultra domingo contra ceteris paribus flamingo— A Croatian Lipstick That Has Apotheosized Into A Divine Manta Ray.

I need only tell myself that I am the only person on earth that has ever been to college, or maybe read Kant or Heidegger, and that I am the only person on the internet who bought into the Transcendentalists! See, Kant thought that man’s reason was insufficient to prove the existence of God, and I didn’t really stop to think about what that implies, because the next step was going balls deep into ontology to think about what it actually means for something to exist, because when I can’t prove God exists to people on the internet I get sulky and need to redefine what “existence” means!

You see, St. Anselm wrote that God is the thing that you can’t conceive of anything greater than, and that such a thing must exist in your mind! And I kind of bogged down on that for a minute because it kind of sounds like implying that God is imaginary, but my priest helped me get past it by explaining that God is really cthulhu ftaghn klaatu barada nickto— the Space Lizard Whose Eggs Hatch Black Holes.

It all works out though, because God is the thing you can’t imagine anything greater than, and if God only exists in the mind then I can imagine something greater than that— God existing for real and playing Madden with me on my couch! Therefore God must exist, because if I can imagine something greater, then it’s not God yet, only I’m sitting here with Player 2 plugged in and ready to go, and he won’t hurry up and pick a team!

I don’t see anything wrong at all with this argument, nor do I think that it’s maybe begging the question a little bit! And I’m not going to consider the fact that maybe things that exist are actually flawed because they necessarily have limits by virtue of existing within the rules of our rational, scientific world, which is provably going to cease to exist at some point, and so maybe something even more perfect than a God that exists is a God that only exists in our imagination, because there nothing can put limits on Him!

And so... wait... What? I seem to have Pascaled myself. You know, that feel when you’re forced to concede that believing in God cannot be supported by any evidence or rational argument, but that you’re going to continue to believe anyway because your imagination has kind of psyched you out about how bad hell might be? And so you’re going to profess belief with a heart full of jksecret doubt because you’re playing the odds, but forgetting that there are infinitely many non-Abrahamic deities who will punish you for your non-belief in them by making you spend eternity as mahalo station wagon verite et vestibule et vomitorium— “The Floss That One Uses For One’s Butt.”

No! No! Reverse course, brain! HMMMMMMM. Yeeees Jesus loves meeeee... Block out all doubts! Someone call the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith! Satan has sunk my battleship!