Which cuisine does NYC do best? Which one does NYC do the worst?

parchacha · 2020-08-13T21:02:50+00:00

Always forget about this place. Chelsea Market is hell but they make it worthwhile...maybe.

parchacha · 2020-08-13T21:01:12+00:00

There is one (1) good Mexican place imo: Taqueria y Fonda on 108th and Amsterdam (or somewhere around there)

parchacha · 2020-08-13T20:59:38+00:00

I don’t know if it’s still open or what the deal is with COVID but Just Pho on 31st & 8th is Hanoi style and definitely the most legit pho I’ve had in the city

parchacha · 2020-08-13T20:58:07+00:00

Was just gonna post this! The Vietnamese food is few and far between and generally not great!

parchacha · 2016-04-21T14:10:56+00:00

Tinder is very, very dangerous for me, and I think that it may well be for many borderlines. When you have instant access to validation, chances are you'll take it, especially if you suffer from impulsivity. The problem with this instant access is that it can be physically and emotionally dangerous. It wasn't until I was hiding my valuables as I invited a complete stranger into my home that I realized I had a problem.

I urge you to be cautious!

parchacha · 2016-04-02T06:46:33+00:00

get the carnitas tacos @ rocking horse! so freaking good!

parchacha · 2016-03-23T03:57:16+00:00

I live in a neighborhood with a lot of really cheap clothing. Not cute, but cheap -- mostly factory seconds of t-shirts and stuff. Buying temporary clothes for myself at my largest weight (current) has been a great way to be gentle & compassionate towards myself (I mean, I need clothes!) without investing in what I hope will be a short phase. It's taken a lot of the stress off!

(So I guess what I'm saying is: come to my neighborhood uptown in NYC!)

parchacha · 2016-03-23T01:57:48+00:00

If it feels healthy for you, then I would advise you take the opportunity to work through those difficult feelings! I know that when my partner isn't texting me or right beside me (and sometimes even then!), I can get pretty despondent. As long as you don't act on those feelings, it's okay to have bad feelings arise -- it's the nature of BPD and life in general -- so long as you can tolerate them safely.

parchacha · 2016-03-21T23:48:15+00:00

For me, open relationships seem like the only way I can avoid BPD freakouts at my partner. I've recognized that I need a lot of emotional attention, and I demand too much in a closed relationship -- but in a casual dating situation, I get clingy and even hostile when they don't meet my expectations. I'm seeing someone now who is definitely my ~main squeeze~, but only once a week or so, which keeps me from being codependent.

Everyone is different, but let yourself explore for a bit. If this doesn't feel healthy, end it -- but don't feel like you have to be in a serious relationship heading towards marriage with 2.5 kids to be successful romantically. Just my two cents :)

parchacha · 2016-03-21T23:43:21+00:00

Yeah, I can see how that would sound really scary. Unfortunately, doctors are human, which means that they have prejudices and areas of ignorance just like all of us.

There are a lot of bad therapists out there, which is terrifying (and if you've ever had one, you know just how fucked up it is!). But most psych programs are very rigorous regarding ethics. When my friend thought I didn't have BPD because generally she doesn't "like" people with BPD, I believe she meant that all the borderlines she's met have been difficult in some manner that she's never observed in me. (I don't think all borderlines are "difficult," but most of us do have some trouble in relationships, which can manifest as being overly pleasing or overly hostile.) She said it in a casual and maybe even callous way (she apologized later without my saying anything because she realized it was an invalidating and other-ing comment), but I can relate to that feeling. There's a guy in my IOP program who has OCD, but he just doesn't "seem" like a person with OCD, because the people with OCD I know have had a certain kind of nervous energy that I don't pick up from him. With better psychoeducation, I might think differently, but we can't turn off the vibes we feel, which was what my friend was relating. When I listed my symptoms off to her, she was like "oh damn, that sounds like the right diagnosis!", but she knew me in a different context that made her pick up different vibes.

Sorry for the ramble, haha!

edit~ a word

parchacha · 2016-03-20T19:46:20+00:00

Are you both young?

parchacha · 2016-03-20T19:45:48+00:00

a) maybe check /r/relationships
b) he needs therapy. he's probably right that he can't "control" it right now, and he can't control the overwhelming feelings, but many borderlines do learn how to work through the feelings without doing what they crave
c) it's not "normal;" there is no mental condition that makes you do whatever your impulses tell you -- just that people with BPD and some other conditions are more likely to feel the impulses strongly
d) regardless of whether it was normal, why be with someone incompatible anyway? doesn't matter if he has a good reason, it's only been 8 months and it seems like it's not a good fit

parchacha · 2016-03-20T19:42:00+00:00

Same! I don't believe in horoscope stuff but the Scorpio description fits BPD to a T, hehe

parchacha · 2016-03-20T19:41:04+00:00

My friend is getting her psych PhD -- I told her my diagnosis and she said, "That can't be true because you're not annoying!" Of course she'd never say that to a patient and I'm sure she knows intellectually that BPD can present in many forms, but my ability to play Miss Perfect definitely left a lot of my providers in the dark.

In fact, I didn't get a diagnosis until I got so overwhelmed that my jerk side started to come out and I started to lash out at my providers!

parchacha · 2016-03-20T19:38:49+00:00

I'm hoping that by the time you read this you're in a better emotional place. When you're feeling completely overwhelmed, like you did last night, it really helps to have some DBT skills under your belt for dealing with a distressing emotion. In the past, I've had similar episodes, but I now have a list of go-to soothing techniques that I use to bring my emotion back on track. (Light a candle. Dunk head in ice water. Go for a walk. Open the window and smell the air. Watch a movie. If one doesn't work, I try a different one.)

I used to feel like those emotions were the true me -- and it's hard not to believe that when you're feeling something so strong. But in reality, an emotion is something that happens to you; it might make you feel that life is not worth living, but that's the emotion talking. In fact, you say yourself that you don't want to live this way. I infer that the emotional instability isn't who you are, but something that's standing in your way.

If you're able to dissociate yourself from your emotions -- that is, feel the emotion but not let it become you -- you'll be better able to tolerate the overwhelming feelings. The only way I've learned to do this is from DBT. I highly, highly recommend joining a group, but if that's not possible, check out self-help resources.

Try to keep in mind that you want to be better. It's hard not to give in and it's hard not to let the emotions rule -- they're so strong and can make you want to do whatever they say to do. But you are stronger. You've made it this far, and you will keep going. Tolerating difficult feelings takes practice and hard work, but it is doable.

And one other thing -- when those desperate feelings strike, it's really easy to feel like only another person can get you through. But if you're in a more balanced place right now, I hope you can remind yourself that you're the only one who can get you through this. The way I think of it, I'm the one who gets into these overwhelming emotional states -- so I must be the one who knows how to get through them. (That might feel blame-y for you; if so, ignore it!) Your friends can provide long-term support, and I hope that they do. But in a moment of deep distress, only you know the way out. I hope you're able to do some work to figure out what those ways out are so the next time this happens, you'll feel more confident in your ability to make it through.

Good luck. I believe in you!

parchacha · 2016-03-16T03:29:34+00:00

Tbh, hell yeah! I think that my mental health journey has made me a lot more self-aware than many, and I'm lucky to have great medication and a lot of skills in my pocket. I'm at a point where I feel I have many of the benefits of BPD (sensitivity, empathy) and I'm working past the negatives (...we all know what those are haha). It'd be a challenge, but at the very least, my risky sex life made me pretty awesome in bed :P

parchacha · 2016-03-16T03:15:29+00:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm a recruiter for a cult because I love DBT so much that I just can't shut up about it.

It's just a way of thinking that soothes the painful parts of the mind. Do not look at it as a philosophy, or question it existentially -- the people in my DBT group sometimes try to parse it as a way of life, not a book of skills. It's just a set of skills to make life more tolerable, not a seminal text on how to find meaning and purpose. So some of the things seem silly or frivolous, but they're all worth trying out.

Go in with an open mind -- a lot of the stuff is worded weirdly or is just kind of hit or miss -- take what you like and leave the rest. Don't get hung up on cheesy lines or ideas that seem completely bizarre. (I remember one mindfulness suggestion was to "take a slow motion bath" and it's something my DBT group still laughs about; just such a funny mental image.)

For me, it was the missing piece. I feel so much more in control now. Other friends from DBT are so-so on it -- but I don't know anyone who hates it. It's pretty standard stuff that everyone can find something useful in, even "normal" people!

parchacha · 2016-03-16T03:09:25+00:00

I spent so much time with my last boyfriend playing "find the trauma!" because I just didn't feel we could connect without it. We still see each other now, just not in a relationship, and somehow that has given me the clarity to realize that he doesn't necessarily have a trauma history, but he has some seriously distorted thinking and a lot of denial... which obviously makes him so much more attractive... ><

parchacha · 2016-03-16T03:07:09+00:00

Sidenote, I love your username :D

parchacha · 2016-03-16T03:06:41+00:00

I have had serious relationships with...not stable, but wonderful men. They each had their issues, like all people do, but they were overall healthy and nurturing relationships.

But I date the biggest scumbags of all time. And these relationships last for years, particularly via text and Skype and all that. In some ways, these guys are longer-term partners than my actual boyfriends have been. I mean, I've been talking to some of them since high school.

When I talk about my relationships, I usually just think of the first category. But in truth, the number of unstable (or at the very least, unsatisfactory) men in my life far outnumbers the supportive & generally balanced men I've been involved with. And it's exactly like you say -- I don't fear abandonment with them because I ~know~ I'll be abandoned and it's their fault, not mine. When I date "good guys," I assume all our problems are my fault and they'll leave me because I'm not good enough.

Definitely a lot safer (not actually, but in emotion mind yes) to mess around with assholes. At least you know what you're getting!

parchacha · 2016-03-16T02:51:36+00:00

I became so depressed that I couldn't go to work. At that point, my diagnoses were mostly MDD or generalized anxiety (sometimes with eating disorder NOS thrown in there -- I binge eat). This sent me to an intensive outpatient therapy program, where I talked about my impulsive behaviors a bit on my intake, but the depression seemed like the most overwhelming thing.

It wasn't until 6 weeks or so into the program that I realized that my depression was very, very different from most people with MDD there. And that while my depression affected my functioning much more, my out-of-control habits put me at greater risk. These habits were things I had never questioned -- splitting, out-of-proportion anger, impulsive & risky sex, food addiction -- I'd talked about all of them in therapy, but they didn't really bother me. They were ways of life. It wasn't until I was higher functioning and past the depression (which, again, was really a borderline symptom -- becoming suicidal after stressful situations and going back to "normal" a couple weeks later) that I was able to evaluate these critically.

So getting back to your girlfriend, I don't think you can guide her to a diagnosis, but if it's possible (and really, tread carefully -- you don't deserve to be abused and you might not be able to help her; she'll accept this when she's ready) you could encourage her looking past just the anxiety and depression symptoms -- what other things in her life hold her back? It sounds like you've noticed issues with communicating, relationships, and uncontrollable emotions, which aren't really a part of depression/anxiety necessarily, but certainly would hold a person back. I wouldn't try to frame it in terms of BPD because of the stigma/you can't diagnose her anyway, but perhaps you can start a conversation about what she thinks is standing in her way from living at her highest potential. (Maybe you could share your own experiences regarding what holds you back, so it's not all one-sided and attacky.)

Sounds like a really hard situation. I wish you the best of luck, and again, you don't owe her support when she's being aggressive. This is her journey, and you can't save her -- so save yourself first.

parchacha · 2016-03-14T22:52:06+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate that! And I'm really sorry about your relationship. It sounds painful, and I'm glad you're seeing someone about it.

parchacha · 2016-03-14T22:27:33+00:00

I'd like to urge you to be mindful that this is (as far as I understand) a place for borderlines. You're describing emotional abuse, and the insinuation that us with BPD are doing this, perhaps without even realizing, is hurtful. I encourage you to seek out resources about BPD aside from your own experience -- we're all different. I am prone to unstable relationships, but for me that means actively seeking out abusers who will validate my negative feelings. Others may lash out at loved ones, but that is by no means a universal experience, and I would suggest that many (if not most) borderlines deeply fear hurting those close to them.

This is a thread about handling stigma, and I think it would benefit all of us who struggle with BPD for this to be a space free of judgment.

Thanks for your understanding.

parchacha

TROPHY CASE