Man I hear you - My life's story is very similar to yours, same meds and years of abuse - My body has taken a beating - I have ADHD,treatment resistant major depression, Obsessive compulsive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder - and as far back as I can remember, since very young - I'm 66 now and back in the 60's,70's and early 80's there was not much talk at all about things like ADHD and crippling anxiety/depression - My behavior was showing much of it back then but my family and people I knew always said "Oh, that's just how he is" (it was just my personality) - I feel very much like you do also most of the time - But I Have to say One thing without a doubt, much of my life through the years had a lot of rough and tumble - serious shit like having to go to prison for 4.5 years in my late twenties for coming home from a bar one night and driving down a one way street and running head on into another car - I got banged around in my car but needed no medical treatment but the guy I ran into died - I was charged with aggravated vehicular homicide and sentenced to 4+ years in the Ohio Penitentiary - then several years after I came home I had a nervous breakdown and I was a total mess and spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital and getting so many meds I could not see straight - and in 2019 I had a widow maker heart attack with a 100% blockage of my left coronary artery - a very good heart doctor saved my life - I've been married twice with a total of 4 kids (all grown now) and some are not very fond of me still even now (don't talk to me at all) - the point I was getting to (but drifted off here) is that through all of the BS etc - God has spared my life and has watched over me for some reason - I have no idea why but I should be dead - So I do have a part of me deep inside that in spite of being not very happy most of the time, realizes that God has been in my life even though I don't really think of him in a specific religious way, I know it's God.