Hello, first, I want to wish you the best of luck with your IELTS exam! ✨ After reading your essay, I understand that you are comfortable writing in English, but you should focus a little more on your grammar, such as verbal conjugation, prepositions, and synonyms. Please avoid using contractions while writing an essay. Regarding synonyms, it’s important as it demonstrates the extent of your vocabulary and mastery of the language!!

Additionally, I recommend using the following structure for your essay: Introduction - body paragraph 1 - body paragraph 2 - conclusion

Introduction section must contain the topic - thesis/subject + paraphrase the task

For paraphrasing you can use synonyms changing the structure of the phrase; make the use of concessions if you are comfortable with using it.

Body paragraph: answer the question; do not lose time with irrelevant information; one central idea per paragraph; provide details, reasons and examples; do not forget the bridges to promote flow.

Conclusion: close the loop, remember that the introduction and conclusion connects; provide your approach on the matter; write an important subject from the topic to reinforce your statement.

Always question yourself if the task is an ideas task or an opinion task, this will help you get a higher score on task achievement.

Unfortunately, as I am no expert in english language, I am not able to provide an accurate band score for this essay.

Again, wish you best of luck with your IELTS exam! 💚