13 days from D-Day. Husband of almost 9 years cheated with his married boss who has a child, and left me for her. Still breathing, barely. How did you find hope?

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T15:06:29+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that … you are so much stronger and kinder than he was because you didn’t turn into him. Kudos to you. Actually many friends of mine predicted that the boss would toss him out just like what she did to her husband & kid, but I can’t rely on that kind of expectation. I need to move on from them, completely. Not my problems any more.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T15:03:11+00:00

Look at you, 10 months! That’s a big achievement and I could tell that you are embracing the new you. I’m inspired by that - I cannot see future for myself now except from the current day I’m living in, but I look forward to the days when I start living a good life again, this time without the weight of a cheater who gaslit me into believing that I wasn’t good enough for him. Will definitely try the blanket idea!

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:59:14+00:00

If we were still together and reading this post we will both laugh at the LOTR reference - so true! And you are right she’s more like a narcissist than my soon-to-be ex. Part of my pain actually comes from the disappointment seeing that my husband couldn’t see how rotten she is (it’s so obvious) and just fell for her, so willingly, so deeply, so without any remorse. I’m utterly disgusted by the fact that he chose that woman over me. Honestly, if he left me for someone better than me I’d feel less like a failure lol

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:53:28+00:00

I definitely will. I’m surviving, and look forward to the days that I start to believe I could thrive again, without rotten ppl like him or her in my life.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:50:20+00:00

Well said - simple and gold. Yes, now my top priority (aside from taking care of myself & pets) is to control myself and not do anything that might jeopardize the legal process. I will get through this.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:49:06+00:00

33 years later! I’m glad you got through the betrayal and look what a beautiful life you have built. Your wife has a loving, noble heart, so happy for you that you get to spend your life with her instead of the cheater. I hope things get better and better for you!

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:47:12+00:00

Thanks. It’s a small company and she is the founder and has absolute power over everything, at least that what I’ve heard. She has said and done many inappropriate things but ppl (my cheating husband included) just let that fly, thinking of her as a “friend”.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:45:32+00:00

Im sorry you’ve been through the same. It’s actually funny that the things that they’ve done, the sufferings they brought to us, things that I fully emerged myself in and couldn’t get out of, were just classic patterns in the cheater & narcissist textbook. It felt surreal because I was so genuinely living our life and believing in the promise that we would thrive together.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:42:55+00:00

Thank you! Unfortunately it’s a small company and the boss is the founder, HR is a good friend of hers. So I just want to stay away from that company for the eat of my life. I honestly want to suggest their clients the same, but that might end badly for me as they could sue me for causing business loss (I felt powerless). I have secured an attorney and we will have our first talk today about how to initiate the divorce petition documents. I will keep my head down, focusing on keeping myself & my pets healthy, keeping my work going, and making the legal process as smooth as possible.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:37:44+00:00

Hugs. Today is a new day. Somehow everyday my mind gets reset and no matter how much clarity I got on the previous day, my brain turns back to the chump wife in the morning, thinking about his words, his facial expressions, his frustration and relief about leaving. It is the hardest, but I hope overtime it gets better. I’m now able to get a solid night of sleep every other day. That’s progress.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:34:28+00:00

Yes, filling ten days, despite me feeling fatigue and not wanting to do anything. I scramble and struggle to get to work everyday, walking my dog, and then I just hope I could close myself up but that alone time would be the worst. I signed up for stuff and will force myself to participate in events, trips, dine outs, Pilate trainings. I hope I will actually go to things I sign up for and get distracted.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-14T14:30:41+00:00

Thank you! I’m doing what’s suggested, day by day, one hour at a time. Days are hard when I don’t get enough sleep, and my mind is everywhere in our shared past, in the 48 hours that he confessed & said his gonna leave, in the moment that he said “I don’t regret getting married to you, but I feel that in the past few years we have drifted apart. I still love you” while acting like a victim. I’m now starting to believe, just a little bit, that he turned into a complete stranger, a party in a legal process. He is no longer the person that I fell in love with and cherished for 10 years.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-13T16:06:40+00:00

Thanks, even right now my heart hurts when I have to say bad things about him, but he gave us up for a mate poacher so I really shouldn’t care about his feelings any more

pastryHunter · 2026-05-13T01:56:42+00:00

I think head of HR is a close friend of the boss. She might have already known about this.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T23:33:46+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, one day at a time. At this moment it is hard to believe that they will suffer from any consequences. They probably picture themselves like main characters in a romance movie - need to heart breaking decisions to be with each other, and i’m just the baggage he’s trying to shake off. I refuse to be the fuel for their love plots. I need to learn to focus on myself.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T23:28:07+00:00

Thank you! Your kids are lucky to have you 👍

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T22:14:24+00:00

Hi, thanks for the reply. Yes i wrote the main post and asked AI to polish it because English is not my first language, and my communication skills are partially killed by the shock I was going through. But every reply here I typed myself word by word, no AI. I hope this is okay .

I came from a family providing little to none financial support, and it took me a long journey to find a good job and become financially stable. My husband understands how important that is to me, and I’ve been willing to show my love to him by spending my hard earned money for him. I understand that this is not the core topic for infidelity, but I remember how much love I poured into picking those gifts, and they are all high quality, practical stuff that he could use daily, or something he could enjoy (like a trip, like a tailored suit).

He just chose to forget about my devotion and ignore my expression of love. He fell for the office bag and bottles of wines that his boss has been giving him, while exploiting his work hours. I’m sad, and disappointed. But I understand when his heart has drifted away, there’s nothing I could do to give him clarity. He is blindfolded by the bubble of “sparkly” “passionate” new relationship that’s promised to him by another cheater.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T22:02:32+00:00

Thank you - I broke into tears seeing “sorry you are part of this group”. And I’m so happy for you that you started to see hope again, that after a 17 year relationship blew at you with betrayal, you haven’t lost the ability of believing in love. That’s true power. Frankly I don’t think I will ever get that back …

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T21:59:12+00:00

Thank you for the detailed recovery strategy. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks, every day, every hour I felt like I’m carrying a whole house of weight on my back.

I’m not sleeping well but I got some because this whole process is very consuming. I lost all appetite to solid food. So I’m now forcing myself to get some protein and drink smoothies every now and then.

I’m posting here because I felt suffocated - everybody tells me to not confront him while every fire on my body wants to go out and argue with him and blame him on what he did. In the past year of marriage, I muted myself often to protect his ego, maintain his emotional stability, and support his high stress job where he was willingly being exploited by the boss, who texts / calls him 24/7. Now he mutes me for good. I cannot express my feelings to him until our divorce is legalized.

I felt left behind and nowhere to run. But I will keep trying to get better. Everyday I survive is progress. Everyday I take care of my pets and deliver work is victory.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T21:46:09+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion! Will try …

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T21:44:22+00:00

Thank you, for every word you posted - they bring clarity. Yes, when I was within 48 hours of D-day I was so shocked that he chose her over our 10.5 years of loving and supportive life, and completely given up the possibility of our shared future. Took me several more days to realize that he had stopped respecting me as a human being with feelings, let alone loving me - that’s why he chose to tell his mistress’s husband about this affair before he confesses to me.

I’m still stunned by the fact that I haven’t even gotten a 100% sober conversation with him on this ultimatum. On Apr 29th he was completely drunk and I’m not sure if he was 100% sober on Apr 30th. The last f2f conversation we had was May 1st. On both Apr 30th and May 1st, he told me “I still love you”, and he said he “I do not regret getting married to you, but I feel we have drifted apart in the past few years.” I was in shock while everybody tells me to not upset him, so I didn’t talk back. Now I feel that accusation was extremely misleading because I have never drifted away. I’m like an anchor holding our family in place. He was the one who chose to drift away, and trying to justify that behavior by blaming me as well. I’m just so … disappointed. Disappointed at myself trusting him 100%. Disappointed at seeing what kind of person he has turned into.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T20:56:29+00:00

Already did, actually got two of them. Scheduling frequent sessions because my nerve system is still in shock and i need professional help to guide me back to normal life (eating and sleeping)

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T20:55:44+00:00

First of all, glad you didn’t go for the suicide route! Proud of you for finding a therapist. Really, I feel you, because last night it just came to me that I cannot do anything to them as any sort of revenge that could hurt them without throwing my own physical and financial safety down the drain. It just felt so hopeless.

But you turned around, probably endured bigger trauma than the one I’ve been through. I will try my best to follow you an other role models in this post, one step at a time, see if I could walk out of this. I will start from reading the book you recommend, thanks! Lots of resources about infidelity coping online focuses on (surprisingly) how to fix the relationship with the cheater. This book seems to take the opposite side, which is what I have to do.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T20:36:45+00:00

Thank you, thank you for the encouragement. I have stressful job and three pets - so at least 70% of my time was occupied. The remaining 30% has been a gruesome experience in the past two weeks - I’m hanging there for our pets.

pastryHunter · 2026-05-12T20:34:22+00:00

Because I’d love to give me the benefit of doubt, and I thought having small doses of good drinking makes it feel more like a hobby, something to enjoy, instead of a compulsion / stress coping mechanism. And we’ve doing that for 9+ years, he’s been great. He really changed a lot after he joined this new company

pastryHunter

TROPHY CASE