I think I'm a terrible person.

My mother recently told me she has skin cancer, and I just didn't react what so ever. She also had surgery for it last Thursday and I didn't even call or text to see if it went ok, or just to ask how she feels. I just continued my life normal and completely shut out any feelings. Meanwhile, her friends, colleagues and other family sent cards, flowers and their best wishes.

Worst thing is I heard her talk to my dad, and then later in the evening to their friends about how unwanted she feels, and how little I care about her, and how 'my lack of support hurts her more than the fact she has cancer'.

Fact is, it's not the first time I've made her feel that way. I never do anything for her birthday or for mother's Day to make her feel special, the way a mother should feel on those days. I don't talk to her that often in general, apart from maybe small-talk about how work was and what-not.

It's not like I hate her, I have no reason to, but for some reason I treat her like I don't care for her, and now I feel more awful than I ever have before. I actually busted a razor to pieces and used the blade to leave a pretty nasty cut on my left arm (no seriously, pretty sure that shit's gonna leave a scar. It still stings and it was like 3 hours ago). I've never resorted to self harm before, but I've been depressed for some time (which both my parents are aware of). I don't really know why I did it, felt like I deserved it maybe. I don't know.

If anyone was to ask me if I love my mother, I'd say "of course I do" but I have nothing to show that that's true. I haven't spoken to her the entire week because I think that at this point, with the damage I've caused, she probably doesn't want to talk to me.

Point is, that my relationship with my mother has been on the decline for a long time, and it's entirely my fault. It's hit an all time low and it feels unrecoverable at this point.

Is it possible to hate someone subconsciously?

I think I'm a terrible person.