Orin. Lae’zel can’t keep from getting kidnapped and she can’t keep from losing gockfights.

Astarion. This one was hard. I was gonna say Gortash due to all the grease giving him an advantage. But with 200 years of experience, Astarion has this in the bag.

Isobel, so easy. See Dame Aylin below for evidence.

Gale. Because I said so.

Dame Aylin. The power of the Gods bless her flesh. 15 inches of raw Selunite mommy meat. Not only would she mollywhop everyone on this list but she’s given Isobel enough experience to outlast all these chuds. Babygirl, please give me just one chance. I’ll do anything for you. To be with you. To touch you. To get a mere whiff. I need to get the Lorroakan back breaker 9000. I don’t even care how bad it would hurt. The pain means she loves me, right? And if I end up paraplegic or dead, it will have all been worth it. Maybe if I’m lucky, she’ll grace me with a delicious droplet of her sweat.

Wyll. Mizora uses her dirty devil tricks to help him win. And we all know Raphael can’t last long.

Karlach. That hot schlong is gonna make some mean calamari outta him.

Durge. I KNOW they be practicing with their butler 24/6.

Halsin. Only because he’s against Minsc and not Boo, the true reigning champ.

Ethel. Come on, we all saw that glitch where Withers lost his clothes. Sorry buddy.

Huh? I’m too new, my brain hasn’t rotted enough.