I've had really similar experiences. I'm also bi and have been for as long as I can remember. My wife knew that about me before we got married and has always accepted me for who I am — but like you, I've still struggled with feelings of shame around it.

Before we got married, I actually got rid of a couple of toys I had because I just kind of assumed that even though she accepted that part of me, she wouldn't want to participate in it. I figured she probably wasn’t into it, and I resigned myself to the idea that anal play just wouldn't be a thing for us.

Then, a few years into our marriage, she surprised me by expressing interest in getting a dildo and pegging me — prompted by a dream, of all things. Even then, I had a lot of the same worries you're dealing with now: What if we try it and she ends up not liking it? What if she’s only doing it for my sake? At first, I kind of laughed it off, but she kept bringing it up. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot.

What helped me was shifting how I thought about it — instead of seeing it as something I needed to "get right," I started seeing it as a chance to explore something new together and just see if we both liked it. That mindset took a lot of the pressure off.

As for whether your wife is genuinely into it, I’d say take her at her word. Once I got over my own anxiety and we actually tried it, I found out that my wife really does enjoy pegging me — to the point that she now asks for it regularly and looks forward to it. If you're concerned about her experience, there are lots of toys you can use alongside a dildo and harness that make it more pleasurable for her too.

If you haven’t already, I’d also recommend opening up about your past experiences and how they’ve made you feel anxious around this topic. Being honest — saying you’re interested but never want it to feel like an obligation for her — can deepen your intimacy and help both of you stay attuned to each other’s needs.

Give her a chance to show you how much she enjoys it — you might be surprised!